


The Gamer and the Vlogger

by Sincerelyyoursanonymous



Series: The Gamer and the Vlogger - Youtuber AU [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anxiety, Clarke is a clutz but Lexa finds it cute, F/F, F/M, Gen, Lexa is basically a hermit, Minor Character Death, Youtuber AU, anya just wants to be a good big sister, major anxiety, mostly clexa - Freeform, past lexa/costia, probably a lot of fluff but I'm a sucker for angst, some linctaven, some ranya probably
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-07
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2018-08-20 00:54:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 70,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8230621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sincerelyyoursanonymous/pseuds/Sincerelyyoursanonymous
Summary: Clarke Griffin, aka "SkyPrincess", is what you would call a "vlogger" on the wonderful world of YouTube. She does challenges, collabs, and films her day-to-day life on most occasions. 
Lexa Woods, aka "CommanderHeda", is the complete opposite. She plays video games on her channel, doing everything from series to indies to comedic games-- but she never shows her face. 
When Lexa takes the chance and decides to reveal herself to her viewing audience at VidCon, she learns that one of her biggest fans is the blonde beauty who stumbled into her life on the beach. 
Or, the one Youtuber AU where Clarke is a fan girl and Lexa doesn't want to leave her house, ever.





	1. Chapter 1

Her fingers moved easily across the keyboard, typing in the description before she clicked upload on the video. She had spent the last few hours filming, editing and exporting her VidCon announcement video. Clarke had been one of the lucky creators picked for a multitude of panels, all ranging from musicians to daily vlogging to even, which surprised her, a creativity panel. She had only been making videos for a few years, but within that few years her fan base grew from her mom keeping updated from Georgia to thousands of people all around the world. It amazed her; how much she had impacted people. From comments saying she was someone's idol to emails from potential sponsorships, Clarke's impact on the internet was a constant growing that she had never imagined. And now she had her first chance to really interact with those people at VidCon, all while at the young age of twenty three. As her video uploaded and the views started to stack up and comments flowed in, she leaned back in her desk chair with a smile on her face. 

"You're taking me to Anaheim, right?" Raven, her long-term roommate and best friend asked from the threshold of their living room. 

"Of course. Why wouldn't I share this experience with my oh-so-caring best friend?" The blonde teased. 

Clarke had gone to high school with Raven; the two of them having bonded over their love of trashy reality television and various forms of art. Clarke had been painting sets for the drama production of _Annie_ while Raven worked on lights, and it was Clarke that accompanied Raven to the nurses office when the brunette accidentally electrocuted herself while trying to make the spotlight brighter. They had gotten to talking and became inseparable; even driving across the country together to share an apartment while they went to school in California. 

"Good. Because you know I'm the reason why your fans keep coming back. They love my witty comments in the background of your videos." 

"Sure, Ray. That's why they keep coming back." 

She pushed herself away from her desk and stood, stretching her back before going to put away her filming equipment. Clarke only let one other person touch her expensive materials-- that being her other best friend, Octavia. She only let Octavia work with it because the other girl had experience with the equipment as well. 

Octavia lived a few blocks down from Raven and Clarke in a shared townhouse with her older brother Bellamy. They met at a block party and it was them that introduced Clarke to the wonders of youtube, having both being a "beauty guru" and "gamer", respectively. 

Once her equipment was safely stored away in her room she returned to the living room, plopping down on the leather couch and grabbing the controller to turn on the tv. She could smell the food that Raven was making from the kitchen and her stomach grumbled protesting the wait. Clarke only hoped that this meal wouldn't result in _another_ kitchen fire. Working multiple jobs between the two of them didn't cover all the expenses that came with one of those. Clarke was lucky; only having to pick up a shift at the diner a few nights a week because somehow her YouTube channel managed to give her a steady income as long as she continued to post. Raven on the other hand didn't like sharing money, much to Clarke's insistence, and not only had multiple shifts but also had a few more odds and ends jobs. She shifted in her seat, about ready to ask Raven when it'd be ready when their front door opened. 

"Raven said food is almost done-- I brought sides." Octavia called, kicking the door closed on what Clarke assumed was her brother, who groaned from the other side of the door. The blonde shook her head and stood from the couch, walking over to let him in. 

"Why does she text you before telling me? You'd think it'd be easier." Clarke scoffed, walking into the kitchen. 

"Because I had my phone on me and didn't want to yell. Grab the plates?" Raven asked her, turning off the stove. 

They each made a plate and congregated in the living room, Clarke occupying her seat from before. Raven sat next to her roommate and Octavia next to her, leaving Bellamy to choose between the chair or the floor. He chose the floor. 

"What're we watching?" He asked. 

"Some trashy tv show I found because nothing else was interesting enough. You can change it." Clarke suggested and Bellamy was quick to grab the remote and change the tv setting altogether. 

"There's this gamer I found-- she's really cool. Has a big fan base and everything-- goes by Commander, or Heda or whatever." He rambled, hooking up his phone and going to the gamers channel. "Pick a video." He turned to the trio with a grin. 

Clarke groaned, she never really was too big a fan of gamers (Bellamy being one of the only few exceptions) but as she looked through the list of videos, it seemed that this Commander had a wide variety. There was a few series, multiple parts and some that were purely for comedy. A few in particular caught her eye; she'd have to make a mental note to watch them later but for now she settled on, "Click the Firewatch series. Lets see what she picked." Clarke had been a little familiar to the game, having watched Bellamy make videos of the game for his own channel. 

As soon as he pressed play Clarke noticed a few things. This girl wasn't always excited about things like other gamers-- she wasn't screaming. She was calm, collected, and the thing that Clarke noticed the most: faceless. She didn't have a facecam. It kept an air of mystery over the girl saying her intro and Clarke furrowed her brow. 

"No facecam? That's dumb." Octavia mumbled. 

Clarke, however, was intrigued. This girl had a way of talking, her voice was smooth. It showed amusement at the antics happening in the game and curiosity to what was in store. As the video continued on Clarke found herself wanting to hear this girl talk about anything and everything. She was drawn to it. As the first episode progressed she could hear Heda (it was quicker to say in her head and she liked the way it sounded) really get into the game and the story, and she could only wonder how she reacted to other story-based games. They ended up watching the entire series that night, but after Bellamy and Octavia left and Raven excused herself to her room Clarke settled in on her bed with headphones in, letting Heda's voice lead her into a comforting sense of state. 

\-----

Lexa sighed as she scrolled through the comments of her latest video, all with the same question: will she be attending VidCon that year. She received the same questions every year, both on YouTube and on Twitter and she never really responded to them; always coming up with an excuse as to why she wasn't going. One year it was because she was on crutches (which wasn't a total lie-- she had injured herself that past winter snowboarding-- Minnesota hills were a bitch sometimes), another she said she had to be somewhere else. It wasn't that she didn't want to meet her fans; she really did. But it was mostly because Lexa was afraid to show her face. She had spent years building her channel to where it was and never once had given in to the ultimate request her fans asked of her-- to show her face. The answer to why she didn't was simple: she enjoyed the air of mystery. When people clicked on her videos and didn't see a face but heard a female voice, it was almost always a shock to them. New viewers would say "wow, I didn't think you were a girl" or, "I guess girls can really be gamers-- you're pretty good". She knew once she showed her face, one that she would safely say wasn't an insecurity, comments would flow in asking why she wasn't a "beauty guru" or what she was even doing playing video games when she could be prowling the streets like some cat. 

Video games were her safe spot. And if people saw her face, that may change things. 

But as she scrolled through endless comments asking the same question over and over, she knew she had to give them what they wanted. So she gave in. 

"Hey Ahn, look up plane tickets to LA and book us a hotel room, please?" She called over her shoulder to her sister. 

"Finally gonna show your face to your fans, huh?" Anya asked, standing up to go grab her laptop. 

Lexa looked at her computer and sighed, nodding her head. "Yeah." She set up her recording software and began the video, letting her YouTube icon be the picture. It was going to be short and probably deleted by the time they went to the convention. 

"Alright everyone, this is a short video so no gameplay. I've received an influx of comments from everyone, both on YouTube and on Twitter, asking the same question every year. Will I be attending VidCon? Well, the answer is..."

\----

"...Yes. I will be attending the 2016 VidCon convention this year. My sister is making hotel reservations as I speak. I will.. God, I can't believe I'm actually saying this-- I will _attempt_ to vlog my experience for those who cannot attend-- it's time. It's time I revealed my face to you all, as I know that's what you all have been waiting for. I look forward to seeing you all there." 

Clarke's mind was reeling as she listened to the video and chewed her lip-- Heda was going to be at VidCon. She was actually going to potentially meet the person who had become her latest binge-watching-worthy obsession (in a totally not creepy way) and it was _exciting_. She had met many other creators in the past but none had really grabbed her attention like Heda had and Clarke was _hyped_. She had already packed for VidCon and she and Raven were set to fly out the next day, but after listening to that video she wasn't sure if she'd be able to sleep. It was odd, that was for sure-- she was acting like a twelve year old about to meet their idol. But after watching video after video of people doing ridiculous challenges, Clarke could only take so much. But with Heda it was different. She had watched so many of the girls videos just to hear her voice and she actually made a _vlog_ talking about how much she enjoyed the other creator. If Heda saw the video, she'd probably assume that Clarke was some creep but honestly, Clarke was just passionate. She didn't take things likely, after all. 

After refraining from waking Raven up to tell her about her excitement (only to potentially receive a "shut up, you're so obsessed" comment) she attempted to settle into bed, mentally preparing herself for the weekend to come. 

\-----

Los Angeles was _hot_ , Lexa confirmed as she and Anya stepped out of the airport and into the warm, polluted summer air that came with the city. Luckily since she hadn't revealed her face yet she wasn't one of the unlucky creators who became bombarded by fans the moment they stepped out of the crowded airport. Her prescription-sunglass covered eyes took in the scene around them; it was mostly people hustling and bustling but the whole _atmosphere_ just screamed _Teenage Spring Break Movie_ to her. She never really understood the draw to Los Angeles. Sure, it was where celebrities were made and people's dreams came true but if it came down to it, Lexa would _happily_ take New York over Los Angeles anyday. At least there they had show tunes at every corner. 

Anya hailed them a taxi that took them to their hotel, where they spent their time unpacking (read: throwing clothes of the others that they each accidentally packed at each other) before venturing out to the convention center to pick up their creator passes. She had registered with VidCon not long after she posted her video and was lucky that they even gave her the passes. From there they returned to their hotel, where Lexa just wanted to sleep due to the insane jet lag she was feeling. 

VidCon didn't start until the next day and Lexa honestly wanted to put it off. The mere thought about being in a giant convention hall swarmed with people freaking out and flailing about sounded like an anxiety attack waiting to happen, but she had to remind herself why she was doing it in the first place: her fans. Her fans wanted her there and that was why she was there. To meet them. To meet the people that she meant so much to. 

And she was recording her unveiling that day. 

She had a plan; she was going to make it dramatic and make Anya pull a cover over her head to reveal her face and post it that night before she even attempted to vlog. It'd give her viewers something to look for the next day at the convention, but just for good measure Anya had t-shirts custom-made with "I'm CommanderHeda" and "I'm Heda's Sister" printed on them. Anya meant well, but she'd be damned if she had to wear that in public. 

"I don't really want to go out tonight, Ahn. There's going to be so many people tomorrow and I just kinda want to.. relax, ya'know?" Lexa stated, mumbling from her spot with her face buried in the pillow. 

"Oh come on sourpuss, get up. Lets film that video and go to the beach or something-- that's relaxing, right? We could see the ocean. You love swimming." Anya groaned, already flipping through her clothes for her bathing suit. 

"Yes, lets send the hermit into a giant body of water where literally anything can kill her and see if she can swim. That makes sense." Lexa sat up on the bed, running a hand through her hair and pushing up her glasses. She had yet to switch over to contacts, knowing that once she did she'd _have_ to go out with Anya. 

"Please? We're only in LA for a weekend and I really want to go." 

Lexa looked at her sister for a moment and sighed. She was right-- they were only in the city for that weekend and if she were being entirely honest, the beach did sound nice. So she nodded and got her camera from her carry-on, set it up, and let the video film itself. From there she let it export, and while her laptop did its thing she changed, only stopping to upload and private the video to be posted later that night. 

"Ready?" Anya asked, a grin on her face. She looked ready to hit the streets, her sunglasses perched atop her head. 

"As I'll ever be." Lexa returned the smile, grabbed her bag and they headed out-- two Minnesota girls ready to take on the busy city. 

\----

"I'm telling you Clarke, there's going to be hundreds of hotties tomorrow." Octavia explained from her spot on the towel. The small group had road tripped the five hour drive from Sacramento to Los Angeles and in a way to "pamper" themselves (as Bellamy put it), they headed to the beach. Raven and Bellamy were currently scowering for seashells along the shoreline while Octavia and Clarke laid out on the towels, taking in the sun. 

"Guy hotties or girl hotties?" Clarke asked, furrowing her brow at her friend. 

"Both. You know I'm on the lookout for you too. Plus, Bell needs all the help he can get." The smirk playing on her friend's face was all Clarke needed to know that she was teasing. Her sexuality was never a problem amongst their little foursome-- even if Raven made inappropriate comments from time to time. 

The blonde turned to lay back down on the towel and relax (and hopefully tan and not burn _again_ ) when movement caught her from the corner of her eye. For it being a Thursday afternoon their section of the beach wasn't necessarily packed, but almost everyone was enjoying the water or had already been there for a while. They were off to the side, mostly for privacy because who knows what kind of fans could show up at any time, so seeing people that seemed to want that same sense of privacy was interesting. Clarke almost thought they were fans up until they set out their own towels on the beach. 

"Hey.. you think they're together? Like, _together_ together?" Clarke asked, nodding in the direction of the duo. 

Octavia sat up and lowered her sunglasses down her nose slightly, her giant hat providing enough shade to where she didn't even need them. "Maybe-- who knows. Why, you plan to go say hi or something?" 

Clarke hummed. "Maybe." She continued to watch the pair from afar for a few moments, taking in how they acted. It didn't seem romantic, almost friendly. Platonic. Maybe they were just friends. 

"You know, instead of staring at them you could just ask them if they wanna join us for drinks later. No harm in asking." Octavia mumbled, having laid back down. 

Clarke nodded but remained silent for a few moments. It wasn't that bad of an idea, actually. "Hey, if the dynamic duo out there come back tell them I went to get my tanning lotion from the car." It wasn't a _total_ lie, their car was in the direction of the duo who sat down. The blonde stood and started walking, slipping every so often in the dry sand. When she finally got to the pair, she was really glad that she hadn't managed to somehow twist her ankle. 

The taller of the two noticed her presence first, looking up at her as if she were an alien. "Can I help you?" 

Clarke's eyes widened a little under the mask of her sunglasses. "I uh.. yeah, I saw you guys come over here and it's not really that crowded so I'm probably interrupting your privacy and all, but my friends and I are here to have some fun and I guess I was just wondering if you guys wanted to uh.." She didn't think this through, at _all_. "...Wanted to join us for drinks later? The more the merrier, right?"

The taller one looked skeptical. The shorter one looked even more skeptical. "Do you make a habit of walking up to strangers and asking them to go out for drinks?" 

"Isn't that how you get dates?" Clarke asked. 

The taller one chuckled and looked to the shorter one, whispering. 

"You got balls, blondie. But do you have a name?" 

"Clarke." 

"Well Clarke, we're in. My sister is reluctant but I wanna get her to loosen up before the big weekend. Give us a time and place and we'll meet you there." 

Clarke turned to the call of her name and she saw Bellamy and Raven packing up their things. She figured they wanted to head back to the hotel. Quickly, she turned back to the girls, "there's this bar in downtown that's supposed to be really good-- I could maybe text you the details...?" 

"Anya. And sure, give me your phone." 

Clarke complied and after the number was there, scurried off to join her friends. Anya watched her leave, an amused grin playing on her lips. 

"You're just trying to get me to die of social activity, aren't you?" Lexa groaned, flopping back onto the sand. 

"Oh relax, she seemed nice. Besides, it'll be fun. You're tense, you need to seriously take a chill pill before you willingly throw yourself into the sea of twelve year olds tomorrow. Don't sweat it." 

Lexa sighed but listened to her sister as she stretched out on the towel. She wouldn't admit it, but Anya was right. Lexa did need to relax. And maybe the best way to do so was in the form of drinks with the blonde beauty that stumbled up to them moments before.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Anya go dancing with Clarke, Raven, Bellamy and Octavia. Lexa's secret is revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the surprising feedback I got from the first chapter I've decided to continue this. I've gotten a rough outline going, so we'll see where this goes. 
> 
> As you may have noticed I added "major anxiety" as a tag. I've decided that one of my characters is going to be dealing with that as a main struggle, so if descriptions of anxiety attacks may trigger you this may not be the fic for you. Please read with caution. 
> 
> Not too happy with how this turned out/length of it all but I hope you all enjoy it nonetheless.

"So, you're sure you want to go out with these people we've only _just_ met?" Lexa asked from the bathroom, applying the finishing touches to her makeup. Her hands were slightly shaky from nerves (she was still hell bent on staying home) but she fought through it, perfecting her makeup to the best of her abilities. 

"You need to _relax_ , Lex. There's nothing wrong with having fun. If at any point you say you want to go home we can, but please-- at least give them a chance? Hell, they might even be youtubers, too." Anya called back, fluffing her hair and going over her outfit with the help of her phone camera. 

Lexa nodded to herself and placed down her makeup brush before looking herself over in the mirror. _Breathe in, breathe out. You're okay._ She repeated, swallowing thickly. She knew what it was-- her anxiety was starting to raise. She never really had big anxiety problems lately but she didn't have a reason for it since leaving high school, when it was at its highest. She stayed at home most of the time except when she went to work, but now it was different. She had posted the video, and now her face was out there. 

Over a million people knew who she was. And it scared her. 

 

_Don't panic._

After calming herself down she puffed her chest and grabbed her purse, heading out into the room to meet up with her sister. She needed to relax, to let loose. Having a panic attack in the middle of a hotel room wasn't going to help anyone, especially not her. She just needed to remember to breathe. In and out. Everything was going to be okay if she just remembered to breathe. She knew if things got too rough she could just tell Anya and they could go back to the hotel. Things were going to be okay. 

"Ready?" Anya asked, a smile on her face. 

Lexa hesitantly returned the smile, "As I'll ever be." 

Things were going to be okay. 

\-----

Things were most definitely not okay. Clarke didn't know what she was thinking, coming to a club that she'd never been to before. Bodies everywhere were moving to the music (read: very loud bass) coming from the multitude of speakers and she couldn't find Octavia, or Raven, or even Bellamy. They had gotten there only a half hour ago and she sent Anya the location when they arrived, but fifteen minutes and a drink and a half later she had lost her friends. 

She had her third (or fourth?) drink in hand as she moved around the fluctuating bodies, searching for her friends. She vaguely remembered Bellamy saying he was going to find them a table, but he didn't clarify as to where. Sighing, she gave up her search and took out her phone, choosing to make herself useful for the time being and update her snapchat for her fans.

"So.. I'm at this club, and I lost my friends." She laughed, glancing around. "I don't even know if you can hear me over this music." She ended it and sent it off to her story, looking up to see at least _one_ familiar face. Grinning she made her way over to the entrance, greeting the duo from the beach. 

"Hey! Glad you guys could come!" She yelled, making sure they could hear her over the music. 

"Glad to be here." Anya commented. "Where's your friends?" 

"Somewhere around here-- come on, let's look for them!"

Clarke Griffin, while energetic and enthusiastic about drinking, was a terrible lightweight. 

Anya grabbed onto Lexa's hand and pulled her along as Clarke led them through the club, searching for her friends that the brunette duo didn't even know what they looked like. The older of the two could feel Lexa's palm grow sweaty and she looked at her sister, noticing the way she had seemed to pale. 

When they found Clarke's friends and the blonde plopped down to take fries from the center plate, Anya pulled Lexa close. 

"Just breathe. Grab my hand if you need to, okay?" She whispered close to Lexa's ear before they went to sit down next to Clarke. 

Clarke took it upon herself to begin introductions, "This is Raven, my roommate, Octavia, our friend and Bellamy, her brother." 

"But we all just call him 'the manwhore'." Octavia teased. 

Anya rose a brow. "It's nice to meet you guys.. I'm Anya. This is my sister, Lexa." Lexa gave a small wave and nodded, glancing over at the bodies moving in the center of the club. 

"Drinks are on me tonight girls so don't hesitate to have a lil' fun." Bellamy stated, finishing off his own drink. 

"He's just trying to get lucky. Don't let him fool you-- he tripped in the mud before we left and had to change." Raven smirked and let out a squeal when Bellamy threw a fry at him. Clarke laughed. 

Lexa was chewing on her lip and whispered for Anya to get her a few shots of whiskey before she snuck off to the bathroom. She knew if she was going to make it through the night she was going to have some liquid courage. Once in the bathroom she walked over to the sinks and gripped the porcelain edge, looking down. She needed to get her breath. She hadn't even started drinking and her anxiety was raising faster than the view count on a Pewdiepie video. She squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath, willing the shakes that were creeping up her spine to stop. _**Breathe.**_

Once she felt calm she walked back to the table and sat down, immediately downing both of her shots. Anya had ordered them both a tequila and after Lexa sipped from that she was dragged away by Octavia, Bellamy and Clarke to go dancing. Anya watched as Lexa disappeared in the crowd and sipped from her own drink, knowing better than to have them both shitfaced. _Someone_ had to make sure Lexa got up in the morning. 

"So.. I thought you said your sister was a youtuber." Anya turned to see Clarke's roommate looking at her questioningly. 

"She is."

"She hasn't said a word to anyone but you since she got here." 

"And that automatically means I'm lying?" 

"Well.." 

Anya sighed. "She just.. Doesn't like speaking a lot. Yes, she makes videos but that doesn't mean she likes to interact with people she doesn't know."

"So she's not like Clarke." Raven quipped. 

"What?" 

"Clarke is a daily vlogger. Does collabs and stuff. Since Lexa doesn't like talking to new people or whatever, she probably doesn't do collabs." 

"Yeah.. I guess you're right." 

The two of them continued talking about YouTube and how the next few days were going to go, eventually forgetting about time altogether. Anya learned that Raven was the "designated driver" of the night, even though they walked to the club (basically she made sure they didn't make a fool of themselves) and that's why she wasn't partying with the other three. She also learned that she and Clarke had been friends since high school. Anya almost forgot that Lexa and the others were even with them that night. 

Meanwhile, Lexa was doing exactly what she had intended to do that night: let loose. She was sandwiched between Octavia and Clarke, with the blonde to her front and the shortest of them all to her back. She could hear both of them singing along to the music and Bellamy "singing" (read: screaming) as well. The alcohol in her system clouded all thoughts that were previously causing her worries and she felt free. Bodies moved together effortlessly and Clarke's hand was on her neck. 

_When did that get there?_

_And where did Octavia go?_

The song was one that Lexa didn't remember playing and now Clarke's back was pressed entirely against Lexa's front. She had a hand on Clarke's waist and they were moving together almost _deliciously_ to the point where Lexa didn't _care_ that she couldn't remember what was even happening. It was _amazing_. 

Their dancing was cut short when Raven found them, telling them they were getting ready to leave. Reluctantly the duo separated, but not for very long. Lexa felt drawn to Clarke, and she couldn't quite explain it. She had only felt that kind of draw towards someone else and the mere thought of that was starting to sober her up. Shaking her head she followed the group along the sidewalk, with Anya only a few steps behind them next to Raven. Bellamy and Octavia were in a drunken debate over whether Sans from Undertale was actually NES from Mother based on some theory he watched in front of them, but Clarke was silently walking alongside her. Lexa could tell that the blonde was listening to what her friends were saying, but neither of them spoke. Lexa still hadn't said a word that night.

Raven had insisted that she walk the sisters home after dropping off Octavia, Bellamy and Clarke, but she soon found out that the whole group was actually staying at the same hotel. This led to her inviting the sisters upstairs to their suite to watch movies and have their own mini party before the hectic-ness of VidCon really washed over them. Getting the group where 3.5/6 (Lexa was sobering up) of the people were drunk into an elevator was quite interesting-- the amount of times Raven had to stop at least _one_ of them from falling asleep standing up or on random objects was interesting in itself. 

Once in the suite Clarke and Octavia plopped onto the couch, leaving one spot open for any of the others. Raven headed to the fridge, getting waters for everyone and, well, Bellamy was on the floor again. Lexa whispered to Anya saying she was heading back to the room, and was able to leave silently because Clarke and Octavia were arguing over what movie they were going to watch. Octavia wanted horror, Clarke wanted Disney. 

They settled on whatever Raven picked (Anya soon realized that it was Pixar) and by the time the movie was over, everyone was mostly sober. They talked through the credits and Clarke, Bellamy and Octavia all said good night to their snapchats before they discussed another movie. Anya was thinking about going back to her own hotel room to settle in for the night and check on Lexa. 

"Hey Anya, do you watch gamers?" Bellamy asked, having stood up and figured out how to connect his phone to the TV. 

Slowly, Anya nodded. 

"Have you ever heard of CommanderHeda? She uploaded a new video tonight and we haven't watched it yet." 

Anya swallowed but allowed him to click on her sisters page. She didn't peg them as fans of Lexa. "Yeah, I've heard of her. I don't mind what we watch." Even though she knew exactly what video they were going to watch. 

Bellamy nodded and tapped on the video titled "it's time I show you" and Anya prepared herself for what was to come. It was Lexa's reveal video-- the one where Anya was revealed as well. She bit her lip as the video began with Lexa's intro and it cut to Lexa under a blanket, with Anya's laugh in the background. 

Anya held her breath. 

_"Are you really doing it like this?"_

_"Yes, Ahn! It'll be dramatic, come on."_

_Anya could be heard sighing. "Alright."_

The video continued with bickering up until dramatic music played and Anya removed the blanket. She could hear everyone in the room gasp and she closed her eyes, letting out the breath as she heard the video pause. Opening her eyes, she was about to ask why it was paused when Clarke broke the silence first. 

"How the hell is it possible that I freaking danced with Heda and didn't even know it?!" 

Anya's eyebrows shot up to her forehead and she looked at the blonde on the couch, confused. 

"Excuse me?" She asked. 

"Clarke's a frequent watcher of Heda-- or, Lexa-- it's.. almost borderline obsessive." Octavia clarified. 

"How did we not know sooner?!" Clarke shrieked. 

"Because Lexa wasn't talking, you numbnut." Raven grumbled, throwing a pillow at her. 

"But guys-- I danced with her-- I freaking _ground_ on _Heda_! I.. Oh my god.." Clarke stood and shook her head, running her hands though her hair. "If she had only talked tonight I would have known.." 

"Yeah, actually-- why wasn't she talking tonight?" Octavia asked, her eyes drifting to Anya. 

Anya sighed and stood, running a hand over her hair. Three pairs of questionable eyes looked at her and Raven seemed to be more interested in her nails. 

"She doesn't like talking a lot to people she doesn't know.. unless it's her fans. She did a livestream once where she called them and.. her fans make her happy. She'd do anything for them. She's really shy around new people-- Raven already knows this, I told her earlier-- it's just not her thing." Anya explained, checking the time on her phone. "And I hate to confess and run but it's three am, we all have to get up early tomorrow and I have to check on my sister. Sorry guys, text ya later." She finished, grabbing her bag and heading out the door. She received a message not too long afterwards:

_**Unknown:** It's Raven. Sorry about Clarke's outburst-- she's a huge fan. Promise it won't happen again. C u tomorrow._

Anya sighed and just walked back to her room. Things could have gone better-- the foursome probably thought she was weird now. 

As she opened the door to her and Lexa's room she noticed something was off. The light was on but she didn't hear any sounds-- no faint music or videos playing, no tapping on the keyboard and no water running. She hummed to herself and walked further into the room, pausing at the sight she saw. Lexa was passed out-- recently at that-- on her bed, with her glasses on her face and her phone in her hand. Her phone was opened to what seemed to be the YouTube app, and hesitantly, Anya walked up to her sisters sleeping form. 

She carefully took the phone from Lexa's grasp, thanking the alcohol for knocking her out, and looked at what Lexa was looking at. They were the comments on her video. Most seemed to be positive but there was a bunch that told her she didn't belong in the gaming community. That she belonged elsewhere on YouTube, or other places. Some crude comments even sexualized her. 

Frowning, Anya clicked off her sister's phone and plugged it into the charger, then turned to her sleeping sister. Careful hands removed the thick-framed lenses from a slim face and she noticed the still-wet tear tracks that had trailed along her cheeks. She gently wiped away the streaks and shook her head, placing Lexa's glasses on the bedside table before she set the alarm for tomorrow. 

She hated seeing Lexa like this, even while asleep, and she felt guilty that she hadn't done more to convince Lexa to stay with them or that she didn't come check on her sister sooner. She was supposed to take care of Lexa, to protect her. But she seemed to be failing at that. 

With a deep breath she walked over to Lexa's suitcase and pulled out the tattered--but still surprisingly soft-- stuffed dog from the case and brought it back over to Lexa. She pulled the covers back slowly and placed it in her little sister's arms before returning the blankets, watching as Lexa nuzzled her face into the stuffed animal. So many years later and Lexa still seemed to sleep better with it close by. 

As she turned herself in for the night she fought her own tears, hoping that one day she'd be able to help Lexa fight her fears.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after the get-together and VidCon Day 1 Part 1. We get an insight to both Clarke and Lexa vlogging, and Lexa meets a fan that reminds her what she does online is really worth it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very glad that you guys are enjoying the story! Not too sure how I'll be with regular posting but I'll try and post as often as I can.

With a start she shot up in bed to the sound of her alarm blaring beside her, only to instantly regret it soon after. While she had taken precautions the night before to make _sure_ that she didn't have a hangover the next day, the headache pounding through her skull proved that she apparently didn't take _all_ precautions. She let out a groan and blindly hit multiple buttons on her phone to get the annoying alarm to just _stop_ , sighing contently when she did and flopped back down against her mattress and pulled the blankets over her head. She knew she couldn't go back to sleep, but that didn't mean that she was ready to face the world. 

The night before started to slowly come back to her as her eyes remained closed, almost able to feel the hum of the bass from the club again. The way that her nerves acted up at the beginning. The burn of alcohol going down her throat. Feeling Octavia behind her, then not. Clarke against her front. 

_Dancing with Clarke._

The comments were the last thing she remembered. 

Groaning, Lexa removed the blankets from over her head and reached for her glasses, knowing very well who removed them from her face. She pushed the frames up the bridge of her nose to rest as she sat up slowly this time, crossing her legs Indian-style and grabbing her phone. Quarter to seven and she still had to find an outfit for the day. Every part of her body was protesting being awake at that ungodly hour but she fought the urge to lay back down, knowing if she did she'd probably doze off again. Anya wasn't anywhere in sight and she didn't hear the shower so it was safe to assume that her sister had gone out-- hopefully to retrieve breakfast for the two of them. 

Procrastinating having to get ready all the more she opened up twitter and scrolled through her mentions, humming at the positives and ignoring the negatives and gossip. They wouldn't help her wake up, only make her self-conscious. One mention in particular caught her eye, that of a verified account that she wasn't even sure existed. 

_" **SkyPrincessGriffin:** had a blast last night with **CommanderHeda**! Didn't even know it was her but damn does she know how to dance. ;)"_

Lexa mentally face palmed as she clicked on the profile and saw that it was, in fact, Clarke. She clicked follow and scrolled down to view the tweets the blonde made-- apparently that one was the most recent one save for a few replies to fans and what Lexa assumed was Raven, Bellamy and Octavia. She followed the others and went back to her own profile, noticing how her follower count had gone up. _Probably because of the face reveal._ She thought. Shrugging it off she clicked on "new tweet" and typed away, mentally hoping Anya would bring her food sometime soon. 

_" **CommanderHeda:** First night in LA is a success. VidCon Day 1, here I come. Note to self: try to vlog. Also, I need coffee. "_

Deep down she knew she probably wasn't going to vlog, and if she did she was probably going to be too self-conscious to post it, but the way the fans reacted to that tweet told her otherwise. Immediately there was a response of people saying that they couldn't wait to meet her and that they looked forward to the vlogs, alongside the usual tweets of people asking for a follow. Just like every day she tucked her bottom lip between her teeth and tapped on random fan accounts, pressing the follow button on every account she clicked on. It felt good inside knowing that she could potentially make someone's day by doing that. 

She was about to click out of the twitter app when a notification popped up, telling her that a verified account had mentioned her. She went to it, and wasn't really surprised to see that Clarke had mentioned her _again_. 

_" **SkyPrincessGriffin:** OMG **CommanderHeda** followed me! What a great way to start the day. Maybe I could give her some vlogging pointers? ;)"_

_Damn that winky face emoji._ Lexa huffed, quick to respond. 

_" **CommanderHeda: SkyPrincessGriffin** In your dreams, hainofi. I'll learn to vlog on my own terms."_

She clicked off her phone and stepped out of bed, going straight for the bathroom to check out the damage the alcohol did to her face the night before. Luckily she remembered to take off her makeup so it wasn't _too_ bad, but her eyes were still red from the crying she had done and that she hadn't done anything to wipe the tears away. She sighed but washed her face anyway, and was in the process of drying it when the hotel room door opened. 

"Striksis, you better be awake or I'm going to pour ice water on your face." Anya called, causing Lexa to roll her eyes. 

"I'm awake, _bigasis_ , or should I say _big pain in my ass_." Lexa teased, stepping out of the bathroom. "Did you bring me food?" 

She plopped back onto her bed and crossed her legs as Lexa handed her a bag of what Lexa could smell was doughnuts, freshly made. The shorter girl grinned and pulled one out, happily taking the coffee her sister offered her. She took a bite from the doughnut and watched as Anya sat down on her own bed. 

"What's the schedule for today?" 

Lexa hummed and stood, walking over to set her doughnut down on a napkin before grabbing the papers from the convention center. "Convention doesn't start until eight, from there we can go around the panel and meet up with fans and stuff. I figured we could leave around six or so and have an unscheduled meetup somewhere." 

Anya nodded, having opened up her phone and was scrolling aimlessly. Lexa noticed that she was already dressed for the day, all the way down to the makeup. 

"How long have you been awake?" 

"More like 'did I ever really sleep?' With you snoring and trying to sleep in a bed that's not my own, sleep didn't come easy, not to mention I didn't get to lay down 'till 3:30. Got up about an hour ago, got dressed and went to get food. I may look awake but this is my third cup of coffee." 

Lexa nodded and went back to her food, but was interrupted by her phone dinging a few times in a row. 

"Looks like someone is popular." Lexa glared at Anya and unlocked her phone, realizing the dinging was due to multiple verified accounts tagging her on twitter. 

_" **OctaviaGB: SkyPrincessGriffin** seems like **CommanderHeda** doesn't like the way you vlog #ouch_

_**SkyPrincessGriffin: OctaviaGB CommanderHeda** shut up O. You're just jealous bc I got a follow_

_**OctaviaGB: SkyPrincessGriffin CommanderHeda** Hate to break it to you Griff but I got one too, ur not lucky _

_**BlakersBellamy: OctaviaGB SkyPrincessGriffin CommanderHeda** I got one too _

_**SkyKidRave: OctaviaGB SkyPrincessGriffin CommanderHeda** Clarke you're not lucky I got a follow too_

_**SkyPrincessGriffin: OctaviaGB BlakersBellamy SkyKidRave CommanderHeda** let me live"_

Lexa rolled her eyes and shook her head, beginning to type away. 

_" **CommanderHeda: SkyPrincessGriffin OctaviaGB BlakersBellamy SkyKidRave** if you could pls not tag me that'd be great my phone is blowing up from you hooligans_

_**SkyKidRave: SkyPrincessGriffin** nice going Clarke you made **CommanderHeda** angry_

_**SkyPrincessGriffin: SkyKidRave CommanderHeda** shutup and bring me my doughnuts pls"_

Lexa furrowed her brow and looked up at Anya, who was still glued to her phone. "Did you go with Raven?" 

"We ran into each other in the lobby. She offered to buy after Clarke's little freak out last night." Anya explained, clicking off her phone. 

"What freak out?" 

"We watched the reveal video-- Clarke is apparently this mega fan of yours and she freaked because since you didn't say a word, she couldn't connect the dots that you and Heda were one in the same. If it wasn't so obnoxious it would probably be pretty cute." The older Woods explained. 

Lexa was taken aback by the reveal. She didn't realize that Clarke was a fan; from the brief time she had spent with the girl she didn't peg Lexa as the type to watch gamers. It was then that she realized that she didn't even _know_ Clarke; only knew her name and that she was roommates with Raven. She finished her food in silence and watched as Anya moved around the room making sure her stuff was all together (Anya liked to be organized) before she picked up her phone again and went to Clarke's twitter profile. 

_So she's a youtuber, too._ Lexa gathered as she saw the link to Clarke's channel. She tapped on it and the YouTube app popped up, showing Lexa a variety of videos that Clarke had put out. She was able to watch one before she had to begin to get ready, but that one video alone told her so much more about Clarke. It was a collab with Raven (who surprisingly didn't have a YouTube channel) and they were doing the best friend tag. 

Lexa learned that Clarke's favorite color was blue. She learned that her favorite movie was _The Blair Witch Project_ , but if she were trying to impress someone she'd say it was _Finding Nemo_ as to not sound like an incredibly boring person. Upon finishing the twelve minute video she realized that Clarke had put a majority of her life online, from relationships to family, and Lexa hadn't even told the public her real name. They came from separate worlds but for some reason Lexa was drawn to her. So she clicked another video. And another. Three turned into five, and so on. 

She didn't have the time to watch more of the blondes videos like she wanted to, having to quickly get herself ready to head out onto the streets of LA with Anya before the convention started. Begrudgingly she agreed to the custom shirts that Anya had created (much to her own protesting), and as they walked the streets it was Anya who pulled out Lexa's camera first. 

"So _Heda_ ," Anya started, keeping in mind to not use Lexa's real name. "Where're we off to?"

Lexa side-eyed her sister, "What're you doing?" 

"Being a great big sister and holding you to your word. You told your fans you'd try to vlog and I'm just.. providing encouragement." 

Lexa could see the smirk on her sisters face from behind her sunglasses and she sighed. "We're going to get another cup of coffee because jet lag is a bitch and _someone_ wanted to go out last night." She stated, playfully pushing down the lenses of her glasses. 

Anya's smirk only grew. "It's not my fault you're a hermit. But you have to admit, it was fun."

"It was, yeah. Met a few new people for once. Wasn't as bad as I thought it could be. I would've vlogged it had I remembered." 

"Or you could get snapchat like everyone else. Clarke and the rest were updating theirs constantly last night." 

Anya could see Lexa roll her eyes but continue talking as if it was nothing. She loved seeing this side of her sister-- the side that only she and the camera got to see. When it came to her videos Lexa became someone entirely new; someone beyond the shell of Lexa. She became _Heda_ , someone powerful, someone confident. She became the person that Anya was proud to call her sister (not that she wasn't proud anyways), and she loved seeing her sister let loose for once. 

"And fall into social media stereotypes? You should know by now that I'm not like that." Lexa countered. 

"You literally spent an entire night cyberstalking Justin Timberlake once. Don't think I can't hear you tapping away on your laptop, our apartment has thin walls." 

Lexa shook her head but the blush on her face was evident, "I plead the fifth." 

The bantering continued as they walked to the nearest coffee shop, Anya turning off the camera and handing it over to Lexa so she could vlog the rest of the day. Their relationship may be a strange one, but Anya knew that the content Lexa put out wouldn't go unwatched either way. 

\----

"Is there a _reason_ why you're waking me up at the ass crack of dawn with a camera in my face? How'd you even get in? The door is locked." Octavia groaned, throwing her pillow at Clarke only to whine then make grabby hands for it back. 

"Geez, you'd think a beauty guru would be happy to have a new day to spend showing off her skills." Clarke chuckled, continuing to point her camera at her half-asleep friend. 

"Beauty gurus need beauty sleep." 

"Yeah well, hurry it up 'cause we've got fifteen minutes to get down to the convention hall." 

Octavia shot up so fast she almost gave herself whiplash and Clarke let out a cackle when the brunette glared in response. "I'm just kidding, O. It's twenty to seven. We've got an hour before it even starts. I brought you coffee, well, Raven brought coffee. It's a little cold, though." The blonde offered, placing the cup on the night stand before walking into the rest of the suite, turning her camera onto herself. 

"It's another day with the group and surprisingly, I wasn't the first one up. Raven surprised us all with coffee this morning because she decided to be the DD last night during our party session which-- did I mention that I danced with _the_ Heda?" 

"Only about a million times." Bellamy mumbled from the couch. "Starting to regret showing you her videos." 

"Oh, shut up Bell. You're just grumpy because it's early." 

"How are you so chipper?"

"You wish you knew that, huh?" Clarke teased, showing him on the camera before turning back to herself. "We're all gonna head out soon, then it's time for VidCon day one!" She exclaimed, then turned the camera off. With a happy sigh she sat down on the couch next to Bellamy, taking a sip of his coffee. 

"Seriously, what has you so happy-go-lucky?" He asked. 

Clarke only shrugged and looked at her phone, tapping away. She let out a squeal when she got the alert that Heda, or _Lexa_ , had followed her, only for her time to shine up be dulled by her friends chipping in. Shaking her head she stood and made her way into her own room to get ready, leaving Bellamy and Raven in the middle suite. 

"I blame you for her obsession." Raven commented, not looking up from her own phone. 

Bellamy gaped at her, "Me? She's the one with an obsessive personality. I didn't think she'd become some super fan." 

"Bell you _know_ how she is. Remember Direction-gate? She _still_ hasn't let me burn those damn posters because 'Louis would be sad'."

"How is that my fault?"

"She's obsessed! And we're going to VidCon where Lexa is going to be and you _know_ damn well that as soon as she sees Lexa she's going to lose her shit all over again." Raven explained, setting her phone on the table. 

"What, do you not want her to embarrass you?" He asked, looking over at her. Raven was silent. "That's it, isn't it?"

Raven sighed. "I just.." 

"Is this because of Anya?" 

Raven's head whipped towards him. "What?" 

"I have eyes, Rave. And I know when you're into someone when I see it. It was the same way with Finn. I'm not stupid-- I've known you long enough." He explained, shuffling a little closer to her and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Clarke's just excited. Give her time to get over her starstruck-dom and she'll be calm and relaxed. Don't worry about her making a fool of herself at VidCon because if she does, nobody will let her live it down 'cause _everyone_ will be vlogging." He smiled and stood, going to walk into his room. 

Raven watched him leave, an incredulous look on her face. She definitely needed to learn to not underestimate Bellamy Blake. 

\----

VidCon was _packed_ , Lexa realized as they walked into the convention center. There was people everywhere, ranging from fans to parents of fans to big creators and small creators. They had only been there for a short while, having stopped a few times for pictures with people who were beyond excited to actually meet "CommanderHeda" in person. People complimented her and a few even boasted Anya's ego by wanting a picture with her, too. It was overwhelming, but exciting nonetheless. Lexa hadn't felt a smidge of anxiety since they arrived and she knew she had Heda to thank. Heda was her alter ego, the kind that loved to interact with fans. Lexa was the hermit who preferred to be at home, but they both made up the younger Woods in perfect unison. 

They were making their way to a panel when someone stopped Lexa, and when the girl turned she realized it was a young girl, who couldn't be older than ten. She told Lexa a story and it moved Lexa so much that she wanted to remember it, so she did what she did best--

"Alright, so, I'm here with Charlotte, and she just told me something that I really wanted to remember. Could you repeat what you told me?" 

The little girl beamed, "I just wanted to thank Heda for doing what she does. I've been in a really rough spot-- my parents got divorced and then my dog died.. I've been really sad lately. But Heda's videos make me smile. Whenever I'm feeling sad I watch them because they make me smile and laugh. My favorite is when she plays minecraft, even though she doesn't play it a lot, though. She helps me forget why I was sad in the first place. When I got to see her face I was really happy because I always knew you were really pretty, and it made me feel like pretty girls can do boy stuff too like play video games. Heda is my hero." Charlotte finished and Lexa's grin was huge. 

"Thank you for telling me that story, Charlotte." She replied, giving the girl a hug before turning off her camera. She signed Charlotte's shirt and watched as the little girl ran off with her father, her heart feeling heavy for her pain but light that she found happiness because of the things that Lexa created. Reasons like _that_ were why she did what she did. 

"Well that was moving." Anya commented. 

"I feel bad that she has to go through that stuff at a young age." 

"It's life, kid. But at least she's got you to get her through it." Anya stated, placing a hand on her sisters shoulder. 

They continued on through the convention floor, stopping into a few occasional panels to listen to creators talk about what they do. Lexa was able to meet a few of them and talk about equipment, and when it came to other gamers some even offered to collab with her. It was all so new but it was something that Lexa, despite the silent nerves that rang at the back of her mind, was looking forward to. The creators were all so nice and lively and seemed to all really love what they did, just like Lexa did. In a sea of creators and watchers, Lexa really felt like she was at home. It made her heart soar. 

Only for it to stop the moment a body collided into hers from behind, and arms wrapping around her. She stiffened, eyes wide and attempting to turn, her breathing quickening until she heard a familiar voice- Raven's voice--behind her. 

"Jesus Griff, don't strangle the girl!"

She took a deep breath and was hit with the same smell from the night before, she smell she remembered when a blonde body was pressed against her front and moving against her to the beat of the music. She relaxed, because at least she kind of _knew_ this person, and she saw Anya visibly relax next to her. Panic attack averted. 

When the arms retracted she turned to the foursome, a shaky smile on her lips as Bellamy and Octavia approached them at a slower pace than Clarke had. She greeted them with a nod and folded her arms over her stomach. 

"Clarke saw you guys and broke out in a run-- I tried to stop her. She's been talking all morning about how she wanted to meet up with you guys." Raven explained and Clarke nodded eagerly. 

"I figured what better way for you guys to spend your first VidCon than with people who've been attending the past few years?" The blonde smirked, almost bouncing in place. Lexa rose an eyebrow at her and turned to Anya. 

"Um.. sure, that works for us." Her nerves were back but she knew that she just _couldn't_ tense up there, where everyone knew who she was. It would give a false statement to her fans. Heda wasn't shy. 

Clarke's grin grew when she heard Lexa talk in person for the first time; the same voice she had spent the past few weeks listening to matched the face perfectly and it was _gorgeously amazing_. She wasn't obsessed like Raven always said, just a little.. overly enthusiastic about many things. 

"Great! So, I have a panel to go to in a few minutes, but I figured we could meet up after and go for lunch?" Clarke asked, checking the time on her watch. 

Lexa looked over at her sister and Clarke's friends, a hesitant smile on her face. "Yeah... sounds like a plan if I've ever heard of one." 

"Great! I'll see you guys soon!" Clarke exclaimed, waving goodbye before bounding off too her panel. 

Lexa watched her leave, her brows furrowed and a sigh leaving her lips. Clarke Griffin was definitely something else, but she was something that Lexa didn't think she'd mind getting to know a little better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigedasleng translations:   
> Hainofi - princess   
> Striksis - little sis   
> Bigasis - big sis
> 
> All translations were done on an online translator so I apologize if any are incorrect terms.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> VidCon Day 1 Part 2; picks up roughly where the last one left off. We see a few panel-ish things, some bantering and a dip into Lexa and Anya's past; sort of. Mostly a filler chapter. 
> 
> This Chapter contains descriptions of an anxiety attack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so late, guys. I've been having some muse issues and other stuff. I'm not too sure how I feel about this chapter but I hope you all enjoy it nonetheless.

“This question is for Clarke.. how do write your songs? Do you write the music or the lyrics first?”

 

“Usually I do both.. if I find inspiration for a song I write down a few lyrics and come up with a chord progression to go with it. It’s kind of a back and forth process that I’ve been doing for years and that’s just what works for me.”

 

_I didn’t know she could write songs…_ Lexa’s thoughts trailed off as she listened to more fans ask questions. Octavia and Bellamy had dragged them along to Clarke’s panel, which ended up being a musician panel. She hadn’t spent a lot of time on the music side of YouTube, choosing instead to watch other gamers among other types. She never really had the patience to sit through a music video or a cover video, and so she never got around to actually watching any.

 

She recognized a few people on the panel with Clarke; they were some of the “bigger” musicians on the website that constantly appeared on her “recommended” lists (thanks to Anya) but she couldn’t name them if asked. Music wasn’t her forte, games were. She couldn’t name a single musician youtuber but if you asked her to name two of the top gamers on the site, she could give you the top five in a heartbeat. It was just her thing. She never really strayed from what she knew; it didn’t feel comfortable to her.

 

But seeing the people Clarke was interacting with, people that had the same element as her, same _passion_ as her, was a whole new experience. The panel continued and questions were asked about covers, or other original songs and the way the panelists answered reminded Lexa just how big YouTube really was. This event alone reminded her that there was so much more out there than her small little section of the website. She knew she wasn’t alone on the site but she only knew one part of it for so long, it got her mind reeling. And thinking about things she probably shouldn’t have been thinking about during the panel. Her breathing started to pick up as she thought about the endless amount of creators and how little she actually was in comparison; she couldn’t even focus on what was happening in front of her. Everything was getting to be overwhelming and too much and she couldn’t handle it. She could hear Clarke’s voice but it was far away; she could feel a full fledged panic attack coming on and she knew she had to get out of there. She quickly and quietly grabbed her bag and headed out the back of the room, pausing as soon as she got out the door. 

 

Fans were everywhere, she quickly learned, and she was glad that there was multiple panels going on because it meant there was less people who could potentially stop her as she made her way to the nearest bathroom. She was certain that Anya was probably freaking out, wondering where she was but she needed to _breathe_. She needed to stop freaking out and she needed to get her breath back; it was the only way she was going to calm down. She couldn’t run out of the venue; she had made a promise to her fans that she’d be there this year and bailing on the first day wouldn’t make a good impression on anyone. As soon as she got to the bathroom she dropped her bag to the floor and gripped the edge of the sink, looking down at the faucet below her. 

 

_Inhale..2...3...4...5...Exhale..2….3….4….5...6…_

 

Counting was only making it worse. 

 

 

She heard the door open behind her and she stiffened up, her knuckles now white on the edge. 

 

_’It’s probably Anya. Stop freaking out-- you’re fine-- what are you even panicking about?’_

 

“Lex?” Came the voice of her sister by the door, soft and gentle. Lexa nodded stiffly, not able to trust her voice and Anya walked to her, placing a hand on her shoulder to allow Lexa to make the next move. She waited a few moments before she turned to Anya and wrapped her arms around her; her breathing starting to finally calm down as she inhaled her sister’s scent. It always calmed her, even when she was a little girl. 

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

 

Lexa shook her head and stepped back, running a hand through her hair. “I’m fine, just ah.. You know..” 

 

Anya nodded; she definitely knew. 

 

The two walked out of the bathroom a few moments later and Anya shot Raven a text to let them know to find them after the panel. They walked around a little bit, Lexa greeting fans and signing autographs and taking pictures with whoever asked; almost like her anxiety attack hadn’t happened at all. Anya could see how much her fans meant to Lexa; it was like they were her entire world. The way that Lexa’s eyes lit up when she was recognized; she was an entirely different person with her fans. Gone was the anxiety-ridden introvert she knew and loved, and in her place was _Heda_ \-- or _leader_. She knew Lexa didn’t see herself as it; the only reason she even used the name _Heda_ in the first place was because technically, due to their culture, Lexa _was Heda_. But she never felt brave enough for it. 

 

_”Anya please, tell them I can’t do this. I’m not-- I can’t..”_

_“Lexa, stop. Breathe._ Breathe. _You_ are _strong enough for this. Anxiety doesn’t matter.” Anya tried, rubbing her hands along Lexa’s arms. It was the day the flame was to be passed down and Lexa was the next_ Natblida _in line. Lexa was nineteen; it wasn’t long after their grandfather, the previous_ Heda _had passed. Despite having been preparing for this on the side, Lexa didn’t feel ready, but Anya knew she was._

_“I’m not like_ komfona, _I can’t lead these people, my mind doesn’t stop I.. I can’t do this.. I’m not strong, Ahn, I’m not strong.. I’m not ready, this isn’t for me I can’t..”_

_“_ Leksa. Shof op. yu yuj in melon en tombom, feel du nau kwelen. feel in melon, melon nau hedon, hedplei yu, keryon hedon, hedplei yu, mema in? Yu keryon jos tofon.” _Anya explained, her lips turning up at the end. “You can do this.”_

_Lexa nodded slowly and took a deep breath. “What if I fail?”_

_“_ Hedas _were not made in a day, Lex.”_

_She smiled up at her older sister before the ceremony began, and when the flame was passed down to her baby sister, Anya knew that she would be a great leader one day._

 

She just really had hoped that it wasn’t to a bunch of twelve year olds playing video games online. But beggars can’t be choosers. 

 

They had been looking at various merch booths when the foursome found them; Clarke knowing better than to run up behind Lexa again and hug her. Instead they slowly approached (but Clarke was five steps ahead of them) and Raven had asked where they ran off to. 

 

Anya looked to Lexa, as if asking for permission. Lexa chewed her lip. “Slight problem, but we handled it and didn’t want to interrupt the panel again.” The older sister explained. 

 

Lexa nodded, smiling softly. “It was a nice panel from what I saw, though.” 

 

Clarke grinned in response, but otherwise didn’t acknowledge the fact that Lexa had left. The fact that the girl she had been obsessing over had seen her panel (at least most of it) was enough to have her wanting to bounce through the roof with excitement. None of this felt real, at all. As they started walking through the convention center again, Clarke pulled out her vlogging camera and started it up. 

 

“Vidcon, Day 1 update: just did my first panel-- holy cow. Lot of people. Wish I could’ve vlogged it but I think Ray got some of it for me-- I’ll have to bug her about that--”

 

“They’re phone clips but yeah, I got you some.” 

 

“Thanks Ray! Anyways-- now, we’re.. Uh..?” 

 

“Bell has a panel, that’s where we’re heading next.” Octavia added from in front of Clarke. 

 

“What’s his panel about..?” Lexa asked to the group, despite her voice being silent. 

 

Bellamy looked over at her and patted her shoulder, which Lexa held her breath during. Still wasn’t used to how touch-y feel-y these people were. “I think you’re going to like it, _Heda_ , it’s about a little thing we’re both quite familiar with.” 

 

Lexa furrowed her brow, “..Girls?” 

 

Bellamy deflated; he had hoped that Lexa had looked at some of his videos since they met. Clearly, she hadn’t. “Video games.” 

 

Green eyes perked up and Clarke laughed from her spot in front of them, watching them interact in the viewfinder. “So we’re heading to Bellamy’s panel with Heda and Co, will update soon!” The blonde turned off her camera and placed it into her bag, Lexa having falling into step with her. 

 

“You know..” Lexa started, adjusting her backpack. “It’s actually _kru_.” 

 

Clarke looked at her, confused. “Crew?” 

 

“You said _Heda and Co_ , but the correct term is _Heda en kru._ ” 

 

Lexa’s small smile grew as she saw the look of confusion on Clarke’s face. “ _Heda_ is Trigedasleng; It.. stands for Commander, or leader. ‘ _CommanderHeda_ ’ literally translates to ‘Commander Commander’. Co, or corporation, a group of people, or a family, or friends, is _kru._ ”

 

Clarke nodded, the gears turning in her head. She felt like that was the most Lexa had said to anyone around her in person and it was amazing to hear, especially given the language she was describing. The blonde was no stranger to Trigedasleng, it was from a culture she heard about but since she never grew up with it, she didn’t feel the need to study it or become engulfed in it. But hearing Lexa talk about it, it showed another side to the blonde and Clarke was internally screaming because of it. 

 

“So.. you’re fluent in Trigedasleng?” Clarke asked, as if everything Lexa had said wasn’t fully processing. 

 

Lexa hummed, then nodded, “Something like that.” 

 

She wouldn’t reveal the fact that she was actually the _real Heda_ , because she was a coward. She still felt that she didn’t deserve that title; she felt like she never would. She didn’t do enough for her people, she _couldn’t_ do enough for her people. And that was how it has been for the past five years.

 

The group made their way across the convention hall and towards Bellamy’s panel, where Lexa convinced them to sit front row. She had a feeling she wasn’t going to have to escape from this one. The entire time she was engulfed, listening and learning new things that the people she had yet to watch where talking about. Sure, there were a few bigger names-- MatPat, Ken-- and she was sure that somewhere in her trash folder of her emails there was an offer for her to be up there. _This_ was what she loved. 

 

Meanwhile, Clarke was.. Well, for lack of better terms, was bored. The only person she knew on the panel was Bellamy and barely any of the questions were directed at him, so she found herself dozing off or updating snapchat with the videos of the panels for fans to know where she was at and what she was doing. Time seemed to drone on and she found herself looking at Lexa, and seeing how she had become so focused on what each person was saying. Lexa’s eyes lit up like they had before; flecks of gold coming out of green in a sense of excitement and passion. She hadn’t been able to really see Lexa’s eyes when she was on the music panel, but she could tell that there was something that was dramatically changed about it. Lexa was calm here. 

 

She glanced past the brunette and saw Octavia, Raven and Anya all seeming to be in their own little worlds, but something caught her eye. Anya had her hand on Raven’s knee. She furrowed her brow and sat back, wondering what really was going on there, and why she hadn’t noticed it before. 

 

After Bellamy’s panel they all decided to head outside to get food, each picking various food trucks. Bellamy, Anya and Raven went to the barbeque truck, Octavia to “her healthy crap” truck (in Bellamy’s words), and Clarke and Lexa went to the taco truck. Clarke took this as her chance to be able to talk to Lexa alone. 

 

“So, I’m sorry if I seem a little.. Over the top.” She explained, shifting between her feet. “I.. I’m a fan of yours, really, and well.. I get a little excited.” 

 

Lexa smirked at her; “I couldn’t tell at all. You know, from your tweets and everything.” She could see the blush form on Clarke’s cheeks and she felt her stomach flutter just a tad. 

 

“Yeah well.. Okay I have no explanation for that.” Clarke chuckled as they moved up in line. 

 

“It’s okay to be a fan, you know. I’m.. actually kind of a fan of yours, too. I haven’t been able to binge watch your videos like I wanted to, because I only just found out about them today, but.. Consider me subscribed.” She saw Clarke’s eyes widen and she swallowed, hoping that she hadn’t said the wrong thing, but before she knew it Clarke’s arms were wrapped tightly around her and she had a faceful of blonde hair that was over Clarke’s shoulder. 

 

“Uh.. I take it you’re happy about that?”

 

“More than you know.” 

 

Lexa hesitantly hugged her back and when they stepped back, it was their turn. They took their time ordering their food before they joined the others in a semi-secluded area in the grass, and together they made a makeshift picnic. They were halfway done when Anya remembered to pull out the camera. 

 

“So, _striksis_ , how has VidCon been so far?” 

 

Lexa rolled her eyes and was half tempted to flip off the camera, momentarily forgetting about the others that were without a doubt watching her. “It’s been great.. I’ve met so many of my fans and.. It really keeps me going, y’know?” 

 

“Oh, don’t be a sap, what happened to the smartass from this morning?” Anya teased, reaching over to gently shove Lexa before she continued eating her food. 

 

“It’s not being a _sap,_ it’s called being _passionate_ , you _joka._ ” Lexa countered. “Why’re you bringing the camera out again?”

 

“Because the last time you vlogged was when we met Charlotte and that was before Clarke’s panel. The people want updates, Lex.” 

 

Lexa rolled her eyes. “We’re eating food. I’ve got tacos. Update enough for you?” 

 

Anya hummed and turned the camera towards the rest of their group, “What do you think guys, was that enough of an update?” 

 

Lexa saw Octavia smirk and shake her head, “Not at all. You should keep talking in that language, though. Whatever one _joka_ is in. What does that even mean?” 

 

A blush formed on Lexa’s cheeks, “It means fucker.” 

 

Anya laughed from behind the camera. “ _Shof op, Onya.”_

 

Anya’s eyebrows raised; “ _Chit du hashta em?_ ”

 

Lexa rolled her eyes and placed her hand over the camera. “ _No, no, tel op chit nau ait?_ ”

 

Lexa nodded to the camera, “ _Beja, klir of…_ ” She trailed off, looking at the confused faces. “ _lan op gonasleng._ ”

 

Anya turned off the camera and looked around, a blush forming on her own cheeks when she realized how carried away they had gotten. “Sorry.. Sometimes that happens and we don’t realize it.” 

 

Bellamy cleared his throat and set down his drink; “That’s alright.. Everything okay?” 

 

Lexa nodded and took her camera from Anya, placing it in her bag. “Yeah.. Everything’s fine. I just usually don’t use.. _vulgar_ terms in English so she was pestering me in my language of choice.” 

 

“And what language is that?” Raven asked.

 

“Trigedasleng.” Anya and Lexa said together. 

 

“It’s our native language.” Anya finished. 

 

“So you’re…?” 

 

“ _Trikru_ heritage. But currently living in Minnesota.” 

 

“Where are TreeCrew-” Octavia interrupted.

 

“ _Trikru._ ” Lexa corrected. 

 

“- _Trikru_ from?” 

 

“Virgina, North Carolina.. But we have family from DC.” Anya explained, shrugging. 

 

“Hey, that’s not too far from where we’re from, Clarke!” Raven excitedly stated, clapping her hands. 

 

“Raven that’s almost all the way across the country. Both Minnesota and DC.” 

 

“So?” 

 

“Where are you guys from?” Lexa asked, folding her hands in her lap. 

 

“Raven and I are from Atlanta, and Octavia and Bell are from California.” 

 

Lexa nodded and watched as the conversation quickly changed to how they were going to spend the rest of the weekend. She wasn’t sure how they had gotten to that point, but conversations were changing fast and then they were getting up and walking around some more. Before she knew it she was talking openly with the group and laughing and vlogging as if it was just herself and Anya. And she was actually having _fun_ with it. It was a nice change, and even while her anxiety was always at the back of her mind, the young blonde named Clarke and her bickering friends seemed to be a pretty decent distraction for the time being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the formatting in this chapter is weird I usually post from my phone but I changed it to my laptop for this chapter and it messed a few things up. I might come back and fix it later.   
> Trigedasleng Translations:  
> komfona - grandfather  
> Yu yuj in melon en tombom, feel du nau kwelen. feel in melon, melon nau hedon, hedplei Yu, keryon hedon, hedplei Yu, mema in? Yu keryon jos tofon. - Lexa, shut up. You’re strong in your head and your heart; your emotions do not mean you’re weak. your emotions are in your head, your head does not control you. your soul controls you, remember? your soul is just stubborn.  
> heda en kru - commander and people (family, friends)
> 
> joka - fucker
> 
> Chit du hashta em? - what’re you gonna do about it? 
> 
> No, no, tel op chit nau ait - no, no, what’s wrong
> 
> Beja, klir of…lan op gonasleng. - please turn it off... use english
> 
> As always these are rough translations either done by a translator online or by me researching the individual words and making them flow in a form that's not basic English. I apologize if they are incorrect. 
> 
> The map I am using for the Trikru/Grounder culture is this one: http://the100theories.tumblr.com/post/139750531769/ofhouseadama-hello-so-as-i-started-delving-into


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 1 part 3 and day 2 part 1. Really Clexa centric this time. Like, it's mostly clexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoy this chapter and I apologize for it taking a while. I'm currently teaching myself Trigedasleng and I didn't want to upload before I finished my dictionary but I found a way around it. Little iffy about this chapter but I hope you all enjoy it nonetheless!

"So.. Day one of vidcon is done. Anya wants me to go to some after party with her but honestly.. I'm so partied out for the day. So I figured I'd play a few indie games on my laptop and get those done so you have some sort of content for tomorrow while I'm... _embracing_ being away from home. It's the least I could do given the sudden change of schedule." Lexa smiled at the camera and got out of bed, walking over to the desk. "But nevertheless, I hope you've all had a great day today and as always, I'll see you next time. Bye!" She waved goodbye to the camera as she hit the stop recording button and sighed as she set it down. It was still odd, talking to an actual camera instead of just talking to her microphone. It was odd but also strangely satisfying; like she wasn't living in hiding anymore. It made her fans happy, and that's all that really mattered. It was so out of her comfort zone and every time she thought of uploading a new video with her face showing to her channel, it raised her anxiety but she did it anyways because her fans meant the world to her. 

She took a deep breath and plugged her SD card into her camera, then got started on editing while a few games downloaded. She was about ten minutes in when there was a knock at her door. Thinking Anya forgot her key she shook her head and pushed away from the desk, grabbing the extra key and walking towards the door. She was looking at the floor as she opened it, and immediately began speaking-- "You know, it might be smart to-- oh, Clarke." 

She looked up at the blonde on at the other side, who stood there with her hands folded in front of her and a shy smile playing at her lips. Lexa's eyes widened a little, confused as to why she was standing there. "Er.. can I help you?" 

Clarke stuttered a moment, shrugging her shoulders-- "Anya said you weren't going out with us tonight, I figured.. maybe you wouldn't want to be alone?" 

An eyebrow raised and Lexa thought for a moment; it'd be nice to have _some_ sort of friend in the YouTube community so she smiled and stepped back, letting Clarke inside. She didn't have to see her to know that the smile on her face grew or she did a little dance of joy; in fact it actually made Lexa smile more as she headed back to her desk. 

"It might be a little boring; I'm just editing the vlog for today then I'm going to make a few videos." She explained, sitting back down. 

"So I'm going to see the famous _Heda_ in action?" Clarke asked, a teasing tone to her voice. The way she called Lexa _Heda_ made Lexa's heart flutter slightly and she smirked in response. 

"Maybe." 

They sat in soft silence as Lexa edited and uploaded up until the blonde got bored and walked back to her room, coming back with another chair and a guitar. Lexa watched from her desk as the blonde made herself at home in the small little hotel room, providing soft acoustic sounds as Lexa jumped into her first game. She had turned her webcam on and as she clicked record for her first game she noticed that Clarke was in frame, with her blonde hair falling over her shoulders and she smiled. 

Crushes had a way of doing that to you. 

She didn't know when it happened; developing a crush on the blonde. Maybe it was the way she swooned over her, or the way she got excited whenever Lexa actually talked to her. Maybe it was because she was a fan, Lexa didn't know. But she knew as she talked with the blonde, or watched Clarke's channel and learned more about her, she noticed the little things. Lexa had always been simplistic at best, but Clarke was anything but simple. As she played the games she knew she seemed distracted, and she had the blonde haired, blue eyed girl on her bed to blame. She found herself glancing at the recording of her, and seeing Clarke just sitting there, then smiling all over again. She played a few games like this before she gave in and spun around to look at Clarke, a knowing look on her face. 

"I know something that can keep you more occupied than your guitar." 

Clarke perked up suddenly, her eyes wide and full of joy. "What's that?" 

The brunette hummed and made a motion for Clarke to come to her and pulled the chair closer to her. "Come play a game with me." 

The way Clarke moved off the bed and towards the empty chair was almost humorous, to the point where Lexa snickered and spun around to face her laptop. 

"What game are we playing?" 

Lexa smiled at her and loaded up the game, letting the start screen speak for itself. 

"FNAF 3? I thought you already played this.." 

"Ah, I have. But, I have yet to play hard mode." Lexa explained. "We've got a few hours before our friends come back.. why not have a little fun?" 

She set the recording up, gave Clarke a headphone and started the recording, smiling at the camera once again for the third time that night. "Hey guys! I hope you're all having a fantastic day today. I'm about to jump into hard mode for the infamous Five Nights at Freddy's 3, but today I actually have a special guest joining me. We're currently in my hotel room at VidCon while our friends are all at a party, but this small drink of water over here decided to keep me company." 

"Okay for the record-- I'm not that small." 

Lexa laughed and continued. "If you don't know who she is this is Clarke Griffin and her channel is down in the description below-- I _highly_ suggest you check her out." _I know I have.._ She added as a thought. "Shall we begin?" 

Clarke nodded and Lexa started up the game, letting Clarke go first in the game. They decided they'd take turns, and every time they died they'd switch off. They continued on with scares and laughs while commentating from time to time, and the occasional swear that Lexa would probably have to bleep out. They were nearing the half hour mark, the part where Lexa usually cut off her FNAF recordings, when Lexa heard something that made her eyes widen. 

" _Jok!_ " Clarke exclaimed as Springtrap jumped up, causing the blonde to jump back in her seat. Lexa looked at her astonished; she wasn't sure whether to feel impressed that Clarke remembered or mildly turned on; something she hadn't felt in a while. 

"Well.. with that being said," she chuckled as Clarke recovered next to her. "I think it's time we wrap for the moment. Gotta give Clarke a break before she ruins the hotel seats." She teased, smirking at the glare Clarke gave her. "As always, I hope you all have a good day and I will see you next time. Bye!" 

She turned off the recording and looked at Clarke, her eyes wide. She could tell by the blush on the blondes cheeks that her slight but sudden vulgarity in Lexa's native language was an accident, but that didn't stop the smirk on the brunettes face. 

"So.. is there a reason why you chose that word to announce?" She asked, removing her headphone and leaning back against the chair. 

"It just.. slipped?"

Lexa rose an eyebrow. "Slipped, huh?"

Clarke rolled her eyes and tossed a pen from the desk at Lexa. "Shut up-- it's an easier way to swear without people catching on, okay?" 

"Well, usually I don't stumble across a pretty blonde who attempts to speak Trigedasleng.." she trailed off, her smug expression hiding the rising anxiety inside her chest. She was horrible at flirting; always has been. Part of her felt like she was too blunt about it, or maybe she wasn't blunt enough. Maybe Clarke wasn't even into her like that and she was just a fan. Just a fan sounded about right. Lexa was probably thinking irrationally to think that Clarke was any more, she shouldn't have-- 

"Pretty, huh?" Clarke whispered. 

Lexa nodded. "Yeah." She whispered back. 

She could see as Clarke swallowed, looking down at her lap. "Well you know.. I'm not the only pretty girl here.." Clarke reached over and gently took Lexas hand in hers. "I.. know it's crazy, but.. I.." she laughed softly and bit her lip. 

"What is it?" Lexa asked, biting her lip. 

"I kind of want to kiss you right now." 

The anxiety was back and worse than before and Lexa had to resist taking her hand away from Clarke's because she knew her palms were sweaty. She wasn't good at kissing. At least so she thought; she didn't have a lot of practice. Green eyes looked down at their hands and she smiled softly, noticing the contrast in their skin tones, the callouses along the side of Clarke's index finger from guitar playing; the little things. Her eyes moved up to the hem of Clarke's sweatshirt; dark blue against her pale skin on her wrist. Up to where her neck met her shoulders and the way it moved slightly when she inhaled. Her hair flowing over her shoulders in golden locks up to her eyes that were filled with hope that Lexa would want to kiss her too. The way they sparkled in the dull light of the hotel lamps. 

The little things. 

So Lexa licked her lips and nodded softly, seeing how Clarke's own twitched in a smile as she leaned in. And when their lips connected it was as if Lexa had known Clarke for longer than a day. Her grandfather had spoken about soul mates before; how the soul is drawn to the one it wants. Lexa had the Commanders soul coursing through her veins and not once before had she felt that power but now? Now she could feel _Heda's_ soul speaking to her, telling her that it was right to be doing what she was doing. 

And this was _definitely_ not a little thing. 

No.. as Lexa's lips moved softly against Clarke's.. this was huge. 

Almost like home. 

\---------

Lexa woke up the next morning to the sound of Anya in the bathroom, running the blow dryer as loud as possible. She let out a groan and pushed her pillow against her face before she huffed and sat up, pushing her hair from her face. 

"Anya it's six am!" She called, putting on her glasses. She slipped out of bed and moved slowly towards the bathroom, stifling a yawn as she stood in the doorway. "Since when are you a morning bird?" 

"Since we're no longer in Minnesota and there's not enough daylight in the day to do everything I want to do in LA." Anya commented as she started on her makeup. "Get dressed-- we're meeting _Skaikru_ for breakfast before day two." 

Lexa arched a brow, " _Skaikru?_ "

"Have you _seen_ Clarke and Raven's twitter handles? _Skaikru._ And friends." She shrugged. 

At the mention of Clarke's name a smile formed on Lexa's face, but she tried to hide it as she reached for her toothbrush. 

"Uh uh I saw that _striksis_ , what's got you all smiley?" The older Woods' nudged Lexa in the arm, causing her to misplace her toothpaste. Lexa rolled her eyes and washed it off, starting again. 

"It's nothing." 

"It's not nothing! I haven't seen you this smiley in a while, Lex. I know you spent last night with blondie while I was gone; you were all she could talk about before Octavia told her to come to our room. What happened?" 

Lexa paused a moment and bit her lip, smiling behind it. "We.. may have.. kissed a little.." 

Anya dropped her mascara wand. "You did _what_?" 

"We just kissed.."

Anya let out a squeal and wrapped her arms around her sister. "Oh my gosh! Lex! That's so exciting!" 

"It was just a kiss." 

"Yeah-- something you don't do all that often. How was it? Was it nice? Oh god-- did it suck and you kicked her out and we're about to spend breakfast in an awkward silence?" 

Lexa rolled her eyes again. 

"No, it was.. really, really nice. It's not going to be awkward." 

The younger sister looked down and smiled to herself before she started brushing her teeth and Anya watched her with pride. She was so glad to see Lexa happy again and not the shell that she used to be. Watching Lexa react to just thinking about Clarke, after spending only a day with the girl, made her happy. Lexa deserved everything in the world and Anya could only give her so much but she hadn't seen Lexa as happy as she was now in a long, long time. 

"Well you better hurry up; we're meeting them in the lobby in twenty." She smiled, patting Lexa on the shoulder as she walked back into the room. She could already tell that this trip was going to be well worth it. 

\------------

The whole group could tell that something had changed between Clarke and Lexa but nobody wanted to comment on it. They noticed the way Clarke would look at Lexa when she thought nobody was looking, and the way Lexa's eyes lit up when Clarke laughed. They noticed the way that Lexa would try to move her hand closer to Clarke's, and the way that Clarke would tune in when Lexa and Anya spoke in Trigedasleng then mouth the words as if she were mentally copying them. They all noticed, even if the duo themselves didn't. 

They had breakfast at a diner not too far from the convention center, then walked together as a group. The closer they got the more they got noticed, with fans coming up to take pictures with them and sign random things. Lexa's anxiety was fluctuating, from being overwhelmed from the amount of people to being overwhelmed with joy at all the stories she was being told. Each fan was unique and she listened to every one of their stories, no matter how long it took. The others watched on after their fans had left, each looking at Lexa with admiration as she handled each story perfectly. 

"She really loves her fans, huh?" Raven asked Anya quietly, crossing her arms. 

"They're her whole world." Anya whispered back, smiling. "She may have anxiety issues, but.. this is one of the only things I've found helps her." 

When the crowd died down and they were able to walk again, they all discussed panels that they were attending while either snapchatting or vlogging. It was a good time until Bellamys phone went off with a notification, and he looked down and checked it. 

"Geez, Lex, even in California you don't take a break from your schedule?" He teased, showing Lexa the notification for the video she had uploaded. 

After Clarke left the brunette had spent a majority of the night editing up the videos that they had recorded together. She had two scheduled for Saturday; the first of the FNAF series and another of the indie videos she recorded. She wanted to do something for her fans that weren't at VidCon. 

"Oh, like you didn't pre-record a bunch of videos to upload." Octavia rolled her eyes, checking her own phone to see the video. 

"I'm guilty of that." Clarke interjected. 

"As am I. Bell is too, he just won't admit it." Octavia smirked, raising an eyebrow at the video. "FNAF, Clarke? Really? You hate horror stuff." 

Clarke's cheeks turned red and she glanced down; "I've never said that." 

"Yeah you have-- that's why you always leave the room when O and I have horror nights." 

"Okay can we just drop it?" 

Lexa only smirked to herself as they walked, keeping her head low as Clarke continued to blush with the group as they bickered. It was nice, having friends, and when they made it into the venue they were met with more fans and meet and greets up until they merged their way to the first panel of the day-- Octavia's beauty panel. As per Lexa's request she and Anya stayed out, waiting patiently in an area where Lexa's anxiety would stay calm. It was away from fans but still an area where they could be found by their friends when it was over, and while Anya silently texted on her phone, Lexa pulled out her earbuds and clicked on the video that she had uploaded that day to read through the comments. 

_OMG I didn't know Heda knew Clarke!!_

_This is so good! Please do more collabs together!_

_Does this mean we're going to see Heda on Clarke's channel?_

_I totally ship it._

_You know they kissed after this._

The last comment had roughly eighty thumbs up already and Lexa chewed her lip. Were they really that obvious? The video was flirtatious and simple; the face cam part at least. As Lexa rewatched the footage for the third time she noticed how Clarke looked at her, and how she looked at Clarke and it made her smile _again_. She was smiling more in this weekend alone than she had in the past month, and it was odd, just like everything about this trip. But she liked it. She was really starting to like opening up and she knew Anya would be glad about it. She had sat there for a few minutes, just watching the footage when Anya nudged her shoulder.

"She's good for you, you know." Anya stated softly. "Grandad would approve." 

Lexa smiled back at her sister and ran her hand along the back of her neck, tracing the infinity tattoo that matched that of her grandfathers and she knew Anya was right. Clarke was a kind soul, and Lexa just knew that wherever her grandfathers own spirit may lay, he was glad that Lexa was truly becoming happy again.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Quick summary of the rest of day 2 of VidCon and the start of Day 3. Lexa has an anxiety attack (so, trigger warning for anxiety).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's late, guys. Life is hectic but I'm still posting this!! Happy holidays to all and I hope you all had a great holiday :)

Before Lexa knew it, day two of VidCon had come and gone, and it was all over the place. From panels to impromptu meet and greets; the day had made the 26-year-old more exhausted than she had been after an anxiety attack in the middle of a high school math class (which happened often for her). On top of spending the day interacting with so many more creators and fans, the group had gone back to the joint _Skaikru_ hotel room to film an onslaught of collabs. Lexa was certain she had collabed with at least all of them four times; two for each channel and she was of course hesitant to post them due to her usual gaming-only content. As she sorted the videos to be edited she realized that as time went on, her channel was going to delve into what she learned to know as a gaming/vlogging channel, much like many she had seen online. Saturday had been the biggest day out of the whole weekend and it left Lexa completely tired, but also satisfied. 

As per Bellamys request, they had planned to do the tradition that many youtubers upheld during VidCon-- Disney Day. Sunday afternoon, after spending a few hours at the convention center they'd pack up their vlogging gear and head out to Disneyland, spending the day with adults dressed as cartoon characters and rides that provided both thrill and entertainment. 

And Lexa couldn't have been any more nervous. 

For someone with such high anxiety, an amusement park was similar to actual hell. There was so many things happening at once and so many people that just thinking about it was enough to almost send the brunette into an anxiety attack. She was afraid of what was to come and afraid that she'd make a fool of herself in front of not only her friends and various families, but fans and other creators as well. As she sat at her desk waiting for Saturday's blog to upload she felt Anya come up behind her, placing a hand on her shoulder. 

"Tomorrow's going to be fun. And if you need to take some time for yourself, they'll understand." She whispered, squeezing her sisters hand. 

Lexa was grateful that Anya was so understanding. 

\----------------

Sunday morning was one to be reckoned with. Lexa had been the first to wake up (she blamed it on her brain being reminded of what she was going to do) and had began packing up her clothes to make their flight later that night that much easier. With a sigh she zipped up her suitcase and began to shower, taking extra measures to keep herself calm. 

Meanwhile, Anya had woken up to her own alarm and was surprised to find that Lexa had been awake before her. She threw her hair up into a lose pony as she sat up, immediately checking her phone and replying to the text from Raven asking if they could get coffee again. Smiling she agreed and began to get ready, thankful that she had showered the night before. She bit her lip at the sound of water running coming from the bathroom and walked over to the desk, grabbing a pen and paper. 

_"Lex,_

_Went for coffee with Raven. Be back soon-- remember, bring headphones and your portable charger. Today is going to go great._

_xx Bigasis"_

Hoping that would be enough for her sister she grabbed her bag and headed out, meeting Raven in the lobby. 

"Ready for your final and most exciting day in Califor-ni-ay?" Raven teased, smiling at the other girl. 

"If I could spend forever in this state I would. You're lucky." Anya replied, leading them out into the already humid air. It wasn't hot, but it left Anya's skin slightly sticky; a feeling that she oddly enjoyed. 

"You say that, but if you knew what living with Clarke was like you wouldn't think that anymore." 

"She can't be _that_ bad--"

"She almost burned down our apartment last spring by trying to make pizza bagels. _Pizza bagels_."

Anya laughed in response, shaking her head. After witnessing how clumsy Clarke was based off the beach incident alone, it didn't surprise her that much. They walked in sync to the coffee shop, getting the groups usual and walking back to the hotel while bantering about science and how Raven always aspired to be an astronaut; before they had stopped sending people to space. Anya found it both intriguing and endearing and a part of her was feeling sad about having to leave back to Minnesota that night. 

Raven had let them both into the suite and most of the group had already been awake, save for Octavia who could be heard snoring from the other room. They handed out the coffees and Clarke and Bellamy had begun updating their snapchats; Bell wanting to pull a prank to wake his sister and Clarke taking the more respectable route by bantering with the remaining duo on camera. 

"So it's the final day of VidCon which is totally sad and I'm going to miss it but..." she paused, starting another snap, "the group and I are going to Disney after! So come find us!" She aimed the camera towards Raven who gave a smile and thumbs up with one hand, holding her coffee tightly in the other. Clarke posted the snapchat and turned to talk to her friends, her brow furrowing in concern when she saw the look Anya was giving her phone. 

"Everything okay?" The blonde asked. 

Anya bit her lip and glanced up, blinking a few times. "Uh, yeah.. I gotta do something real quick. Hold this for me?" She asked Raven, then headed for the door. "I'll be right back." 

As the door closed behind her Clarke could hear her footsteps gain speed as she headed down the hallway, worry filling her. She looked to Raven who only shrugged and gave a worried expression in return then shook her head, following after Anya. 

\-------------

Lexa couldn't breathe. 

Well, she could, but not very well. 

She didn't know what caused it this time. She had just gotten out of the shower and blow dried her hair, putting it back into a braid and smiling at her reflection, telling herself that today was going to be a good day. She had gotten Anya's letter while picking out her outfit for the day, and had already started getting ready. 

Today was supposed to be a good day. 

Her eyebrows were done perfectly and her eyeshadow complimented her eyes like it should, but when it got to the eyeliner it all.. fell apart. She had messed up and tried to fix it but ended up smearing the eyeliner across her face on both sides and no matter how many times she tried to get it off it didn't work and she ran out of makeup wipes. She was going to have to take another shower and realizing what time it was-- she didn't have the time. Her breathing had quickened and tears had welled in her eyes and soon she was on the floor of the bathroom, clad only in a towel with her phone feet away from her still open to the text she had sent Anya that only said "help". Her arms were wrapped around her knees and she was rocking, trying to get her breath back but it wouldn't come. Her whole body was shaking and she couldn't control it no matter how many times she told herself that she was okay. There was nothing to be freaking out about. She was perfectly fine. 

But an entire mess at the same time. 

She jumped several feet in the air and the welling tears fell as the door swung open, revealing Anya standing in the doorway looking as if she'd seen a ghost. Her sister had been through this so many times before to the point where it was instinct to rush forward and crouch next to Lexa, making sure to not touch her. 

"What happened, Lex?" Her voice was soft; calm. 

"I.. tried to.. eyeliner," Lexa whispered, her voice as shaky as her body. "Messed up.. no more wipes.. I-I-I need to shower but I don't have time.. Ahn I don't have time to shower but I can't go out looking like this-! We're leaving so soon and I don't want to hold them up.. I don't know what to do, I--" 

She started hyperventilating again and Anya nodded, standing up quickly to run into the room to find some sort of bag. If Lexa didn't get her breathing under control she was going to pass out and that would make everything worse. 

During Anya's search she didn't hear the door that hadn't shut all the way open, revealing a concerned blonde who made her way into the room. Clarke paused, looking at how frantic Anya was and she furrowed her brow, turning her head only when she heard a soft whimper coming from the bathroom. 

Seeing Lexa in a small ball of her own self fear, shaking and crying made her heart ache for the girl. She hadn't seen someone in the element of an anxiety attack; nobody she knew had anxiety. The closest thing she knew was from what she had seen in movies and they never really showed an accurate portrayal. Biting her lip she stepped forward slowly; crouching down next to her. 

"Lex?" She asked softly, moving to sit cross-legged next to the girl. 

Lexa only shook her head, placing her hands over the back of her neck. " _Gon we, Klark,_ " she whispered, Trigedasleng coming out naturally in the wavered tone of her voice. 

A chill ran down Clarke's spine at the cold, afraid tone in Lexa's voice. She had never heard it before and the fact that the girl fell easily into her native tongue would have had her intrigued had Lexa not been in such a vulnerable state. The words were close enough to English that Clarke could translate-- _go away_. But she didn't want to. She wanted to help Lexa feel better, wanted to make her feel safe. She was about to place a hand on the brunettes back when Anya reappeared, a bag from the ice bucket in her hand. 

"I wouldn't touch her.. it could make her lash out." Anya stated calmly, walking over to them. Lexa's head popped up at the sound of her sisters voice and Clarke would have laughed at the way Lexa's makeup had ran had they not been in this position-- she looked adorable. Like a wet raccoon. 

Anya handed Lexa the bag and Lexa started to take deep breaths in it, focusing on how Anya had placed her hand on her chest. She followed the movements, got her breathing in check and with time had started to stop shaking. Clarke sat patiently on the side, fiddling with her hands as the duo next to her interacted so intimately. It made her long for a sibling. 

They sat in silence until Lexa removed the bag from her face. 

"So.. what happened, Lex?" Clarke asked, slowly reaching forward to push a stray hair behind Lexa's ear. Lexa flinched at first but relaxed, letting the blonde do what she wanted. 

"...Makeup malfunction.. kinda, got outta hand." Lexa mumbled, placing the bag to the side. "I didn't want to make us late and panicked a little bit." 

Clarke hummed and shifted, feeling Anya's protective eyes on her. "You know.. I believe Octavia has a fresh pack of makeup wipes in her room. I can text her, see if we can borrow them and if you want.." she paused, reaching over to gently take Lexa's hand, "I can do your makeup for you. I've learned to be pretty quick with it and we can make it out in time. Does that sound good?" 

Anya could tell that Clarke wasn't trying to baby her sister, but compromise with her. With Lexa's hands being shaky she wouldn't be able to apply the makeup correctly and it could lead to another potential breakdown. She watched on, seeing the way that Clarke soothingly traced shapes on Lexa's hand and take precautions to keep the girl calm. It was.. different. She was so used to being the one to solely help Lexa calm down that it was odd to see someone else take so much care with her sister. Seeing the way that Clarke spoke softly and slowly, didn't keep eye contact for so long; it was like she had done this before but based on how the blonde first approached, she knew she hadn't. She had proved to be a fast learner and when Lexa nodded with a small, barely there smile, the older girl let out a soft sigh of relief. 

Today was still going to be a good day. 

\-------------

Octavia was happy to lend Clarke her makeup wipes for Lexa's sake and even offered to be the one to do the girls makeup, but in order to keep Lexa as calm as possible Clarke knew she had to be the one to do it. They were done within ten minutes, and out the door within twenty, making it a record time for Lexa to get ready. They were a little late to the convention center but everyone assured Lexa that it wasn't her fault-- it was the uber drivers' fault. Lexa, however, kept knowing that it was her own fault to herself. 

"Heda-- I just wanted to tell you-- I _aspire_ to be like you." A young fan told her, and for the first time Lexa had to put on a fake smile. If this fan knew what Lexa had gone through that morning, they wouldn't want to be like her. They wouldn't want to do the things that Lexa did. She was so afraid, so anxious about everything and it wasn't what _Heda_ meant. But like everything else, Lexa kept it to herself. 

"Keep your head up and your dreams big and you could be like me someday. All that matters is that you focus and be the best you you can be, okay?" She told the fan, embracing the hug that they gave her. 

It felt almost out-of-body. 

It's how she usually was after a panic attack. 

They went through the day taking care of last minute panels and buying other creators' merch, overall enjoying their last day at the convention. Lexa still felt out of it by the time they left the center, but she was hoping for the best as they made their way to Disneyland. 

As per Octavia's request she, Clarke and Raven rode in one uber leaving Bellamy, Anya and Lexa in another, which Lexa was slightly hesitant about. She didn't know Bellamy as well as she knew Clarke but she was willing to do it if only for a few series of minutes. If anything, she felt like she'd be more comfortable with Bellamy than with Octavia because they made similar content. 

"So Lex, any new games that I gotta try out?" He asked, slipping into the backseat next to her. 

Lexa pondered a moment; "Subnautica is great. I've been playing it for fun in my free time-- it's definitely something to check out. Then there's the indie games-- The Long Dark is more of a survivalist game but it's really fun; but really, if you're going for a series that'll last a while that's both fun and entertaining, Firewatch is your way to go. I know I've posted it but it's such a _great_ game and there's so much to explore-- I have to recommend it." She rambled, actively talking with her hands and noting that Bellamy seemed thoroughly interested. 

She grinned as he nodded a long, folding his hands in his lap. "I saw how into it you were getting. I've been wanting to play it but I don't know what my viewers are really into." 

"Why don't you ask them?" 

Bellamy grinned, "That's a great idea." 

He pulled out his phone and opened snapchat, flipping to the front camera. "Hey guys! I'm currently in an uber with Heda and Anya," he quickly showed the camera to both of the girls, then flipped to the next snap. "and Heda and I were discussing what game I should try next. She suggested a few," next snap, "but I can't decide on which one to try. I'm going to name two of them and you guys screenshot which one you wanna see," next snap. "Okay first one is Subnautica-- kind of an under the sea type game-- Markipliers played it." next snap, "and the other one is Firewatch which, if you don't know what that game is-- have you been living under a rock?" He laughed, earning a laugh from the other two in the car. "So screenshot which one you want and that'll be my next series. Heda and I will keep you updated on our Disney trip throughout the day!" 

Lexa rose a brow as Bellamy dropped his phone into his lap. "You're just gonna say that I'm gonna be in all your snaps?" 

"Yeah, why not? You're awesome and it's a total honor to be in anything with you." 

Lexa tilted her head; "Bellamy, I'm gay." She hadn't posted a video about it, choosing to keep it private between friends and offline, but she had to be honest with him. 

Bellamy only smiled and patted her knee; Lexa had to fight the urge to flinch away. "I know. Rae, O and I have seen the way you look at Clarke; it's totally okay. Glad you trust me enough to tell me, though." 

"She only told you to get you to stop hitting on her." Anya commented, indulged in her phone. 

Bellamy blushed. "I know that! I was just.. y'know, saying." 

"Mhm." 

Lexa laughed and soon they joined the rest of the group in front of Disneyland, eager to begin the last day that they'd spend together as a full group.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So if you couldn't tell I'm not having Bellamy be a complete jackass in this story. I've always loved the whole Bellamy/Lexa friendship idea. Next chapter we've got the rest of Disney day and the thing we've all been dreading-- the clexa goodbye. But that's not the end of the story!! I plan to continue this way past the initial VidCon weekend and it'll turn into a kind of long distance relationship kinda feel with a youtube twist, if that makes sense. Hope you'll all stay with me on this adventure and if I don't post again before the end of the year, I'll see you all in 2017!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disney Day and final goodbyes. A bit of a time jump at the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said I probably wouldn't post again until the new year but I was rewatching Markiplier play Firewatch and it made me think of this story and gosh I love writing it so you guys get two chapters two days in a row. I hope you enjoy reading this bittersweet chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it.

After taking many, many selfies on all of their phones the group headed into Disneyland, and Lexa was amazed. Growing up in Virginia then moving to the Midwest didn't provide her with many tourist-y adventures; the most being the Smithsonian museum where her aunt and uncle would take Anya and herself during the summer. She would visit it frequently and due to the intense respectful quiet of every museum, it was one of the few locations where her anxiety wouldn't take over. Once she and Anya moved to Minnesota, the summer trips stopped and Lexa started becoming more of a hermit during the summer months. But as she and her newfound friends walked Main Street, taking in the colors and the sweet smells of treats and "magic", she thought that maybe taking summer trips again weren't as bad as she thought. 

She had Anya's hand tightly in her own as children ran, dragging their parents around and she was _certain_ Octavia and Raven were mapping out their day but she wasn't listening, her mind too busy trying to take in everything at once. Her eyes flew from building to building and her grip on Anya's hand grew tighter-- and in the back of her mind she was criticizing herself for the fact that they had only just walked in and her anxiety was already acting up. In her eyes, she was pathetic. 

"Okay-- so we should _definitely_ start out in Tomorrowland and make our way around so by the time we get to the Haunted Mansion it's already night. Sound like a plan?" Octavia asked.

"Only if we can get food on the way. I'm starving." 

"Clarke I got you donuts when I got coffee, you can't _still_ be hungry." Raven piqued. 

"You really think a donut is going to fill me? Geez, we've lived together for _how long_? Do you even know me?" 

Raven rolled her eyes and they were off again, snapping pictures and stopping for food on their way to Tomorrowland. The sun beat down on them requiring sunscreen and the further they got into the park the more hectic it got, but it was a.. thrilling kind of hectic. 

As Clarke fell back a few feet from the group, focusing on vlogging and updating her snapchat she got a decent view of her friends (and even took the time to take pictures of them walking away). She realized that even though Lexa and Anya were new to their group, they were fitting right in. Despite the death grip Lexa had on Anya's hand and the way she fiddled with her phone, she was still actively listening to the ongoing conversation that Anya and Octavia were having about their plans for the day, and adding a comment here or there. She noticed the way Raven and Anya's hands would brush on occasion, or the way that Bellamy would trip over his own feet from time to time because he couldn't keep up, causing the group to laugh. It made her smile; seeing how easily it was to make the masked _Heda_ and her sister so active in an area that she knew they weren't a huge part of. The internet did strange things sometimes. 

They made it to Tomorrowland in a matter of minutes and began the ride they all hated the most: the line ride. Each member spent it differently; Octavia and Bellamy played heads up with their phones and Raven and Clarke chatted about nothing, meanwhile Lexa had sat herself easily on the bar of the line divider with her phone in her lap, and Anya held her sisters camera, ready to be the dictator of the vlog once again. 

"Have you seriously not started it yet?" Anya asked, her voice teasing. 

"Ahn you _know_ I suck at that kind of stuff." Lexa replied, not looking up from her phone. 

Anya huffed but understood, moving to film the rest of their friends. "How's the trip so far guys? Enjoying the line ride?" 

"It'd be a hell of a lot more entertaining if you took your top off." Raven suggested, smirking in Anya's direction. 

"Keep dreaming Reyes and you might get your wish." 

Lexa reached forward in that instant to smack Anya's shoulder, the camera now pointed towards her. 

"Hey!"

"Keep it in your pants, _joka_ , there are children around!" Lexa scolded and Clarke stifled a laugh. 

"She wouldn't have to keep it in her pants if Anya over there would put out-- swear I heard Rae panting in her sleep last night. 'Oh _Ahn,_ please-- _please!_ " Clarke teased, laughing it off as Raven-- and Anya-- blushed. Lexa took the camera with a grin and pointed it towards her sister.

"You see guys? This is what I've put up with this entire weekend." She laughed softly, turning off the camera for the time being. 

The line moved forward and soon they were being ushered into their seats, going onto the ride with all of the group-- Bellamy included-- screaming screams of joy as they were tossed and turned around. 

It was a nice adventure, Lexa soon realized. 

Their day continued, going from ride to ride and taking in all that Disney had to offer with souvenirs and food to the point where they felt Disney-ed out; but their day was only halfway over. Lexa was able to keep her anxiety under control, it grew easier the more she interacted with the group. She participated in videos for Bellamy and Octavia's snapchats and posed for pictures when prompted, even going as far as kissing Clarke on the cheek for an instagram pic (which the fans loved and eventually blew up Clarke's instagram and both of their twitters). They stopped frequently, taking pictures with mascot-wearing workers just for the sake of saying that they _did_ it, and Lexa even went as far as getting an "autograph book" to have the characters sign. "Memories in the making," Anya had told her. "Keeping them in a place that's not just your heart." 

It had just turned night when they got in line for the Haunted Mansion; they had at least three hours before the fireworks were to go off and then they were retreating back to the hotel where Lexa and Anya would regretfully be hopping on their overnight flight back to Minnesota to prepare for the weeks of work to come. It was bittersweet in a way, but if she were being honest Lexa didn't want to leave. 

As the day had progressed, she had begun to be more comfortable with who she was with and was able to branch off from Anya, even going as far as to occasionally hold Clarke's hand. It would always be brief; to pull her along or for the sake of a picture but it still mattered to her. She wanted to hold Clarke's hand and swing their interlocked limbs between them as they walked through the place where dreams came true, but she wasn't brave enough. Especially when she'd be gone the next day and Clarke would probably forget their small moments to the point where all she'd be was a personality on the internet. If she were being honest, Lexa feared that. 

She didn't want to be forgotten, especially after the weekend they spent together. 

The group had become less wild as they waited in line for the Haunted Mansion, each individual falling into their own small conversations and trying desperately to stay awake. They were having fun, that much was certain, but that didn't mean that they weren't exhausted and their feet didn't hurt from the day they spent walking around a huge park. Anya and Raven were in the front, engaging in soft conversation that they thought nobody else could hear with subtle glances at each other and small touches; grazes of fingertips. Octavia was starting to fall asleep against Bellamys chest, taking comfort in her taller brother. She was definitely going to fall asleep on the uber back to the hotel. 

But Lexa and Clarke were wide awake; the latter perching herself on the divider bar and Lexa standing close to her. Lexa stood in front of her, close enough to where their conversation was private but far enough to where it seemed friendly. 

"Are you excited to go home?" Clarke had asked, holding tightly onto the bar. 

"Kind of." Lexa's eyes were on the ground, kicking a rock that was barely visible in the walkways lights. "I'm excited to have my equipment, to make videos. It was a nice break to be out here, but..." she paused, looking up at Clarke. "It'll be good to be back in my element. Even if I'm going to have to record more facecam videos." 

Clarke's smile was soft, almost morose as she thought about Lexa leaving. She had become so fond of the girl she was once only a fan of online that the thought of Lexa not being there to talk to or see in person made her heart ache. "I start school again in the fall; it's my last year." 

"What are you going to school for?" 

"Biology. It.. runs in my family. My moms a doctor and my dads a bio engineer." The blonde swung her legs, almost hitting Lexa in the shins. 

"Where are you going?"

"Stanford." 

Lexa hummed and Clarke bit her lip. She could tell the brunette wasn't expecting that. Most youtubers had dropped out of college or didn't go at all because they found it was more fun to post videos online than it was to get an actual vacation. Clarke was a part of the rare minority. 

"It's a great school." Lexa concluded. "And it doesn't surprise me. From what I've seen.. you're a very smart girl, Clarke." 

Clarke smiled at her and Lexa stepped forward; the blonde thought she was going to kiss her and it felt like she was-- Lexa had started to lean forward and Clarke followed suit, up until she lost her balance. Lexa's hands found Clarke's hips quickly and she helped her slide down, a blush forming on Clarke's cheeks in the dim glow from the moon and lights around them. 

"You know, when I heard you were clumsy I didn't think they meant this clumsy.." Lexa teased, and Clarke was about to retort when Bellamy called them a few paces away. 

"Come on you guys-- you're holding up the line!" 

Clarke sighed but Lexa took her hand and led them to the rest of the group, beginning their last ride of the night. 

\----------

The Haunted Mansion came and went and soon they were making their way back to Main Street to watch the fireworks. Lexa had "womaned up" and held Clarke's hand as they walked, not even thinking of fans that could stop them at any moment. Deep down Lexa realized that she only had a limited amount of time left with Clarke and she wanted to spend it right, just in case the blonde did forget about her. She wanted it to be memorable, a way for them to want to keep in touch even if it didn't happen. At least for Lexa it would be a happy memory. 

They watched the fireworks in front of the castle and it was a majestic sight to see; the way everyone's faces lit up like the inner children they were at the bursting lights in the sky. 

But for Lexa, all that mattered was the way that Clarke's face lit up. The way the fireworks reflected in her eyes, and the way she looked at her. The way the corners of her mouth curled up in a small smile and the laughter that came from around them from parents and kids, and their friends enjoying themselves with camera flashes and music playing around them. All that mattered was the way that Lexa's chest filled with that feeling of home again. That feeling of purpose that she knew she had been missing. 

She knew she was where she needed to be. And instead of looking at the fireworks, filming them for snapchat like everyone else, Lexa kissed her. She cupped Clarke's cheeks gently with both hands and kissed her softly, then passionately to the point where everything around them blurred. She kissed her like it was the last time she would see her because as far as she knew, this was the last memorable moment that she would have with Clarke Griffin. 

And damn it, she'd be a fool if she let this moment get away. 

\---------

"Alright.. this is my last update for this vlog. VidCon is over, Disney day is over and I'm packed and ready to fly back home with Anya. She's actually in the other room right now saying goodbye to our new friends, actually. I say actually too much, don't I?" She laughed softly, shaking her head. " I'm gonna go over there in a moment. I just wanted to make sure we have everything before we go. By the time you guys see this I'll be back home, in the comfort of my own chair making more videos for you guys." She gave a soft smile, looking down at her desk. She waited a moment, glancing around the room before picking up her suitcase. "I'm gonna go say goodbye, and as always I'll see you guys next time. Bye!" She smiled again and turned off the camera, putting her glasses on her face. 

For lack of better terms, she was sad. She was sad to be leaving California, sad to be leaving Clarke. She was sad to be leaving the place that had brought her out of her shell for the first time in years. But she was also longing for home; longing for her bed. She hoped that she would keep in touch with _Skaikru_ , hoped that she would be able to see them again without it being through her computer screen. But she knew how internet friendships were, especially ones that went across the country. They didn't always work out. 

But god, did she hope this was different. 

The walk to the suite seemed to be longer than before, and as she knocked on the door she felt as if it was weighing down her heart. Bellamy answered the door with a grin that she immediately responded the same with and headed inside, setting down her suitcase. They had an hour before they flew back to Minnesota. 

Bellamy hugged her first and offered up his number, followed by Octavia, then Raven. Anya had been waiting for her in the corner. They all made promises to stay in touch but Lexa knew it may be too good to be true. Soon enough she'd only be an icon on a pixelated screen to a majority of them. She'd be lucky if they even called her from time to time. 

Then there was Clarke. 

Clarke, who's eyes lit up when she saw her. Clarke, whom she could see the way that she wanted to cry. Clarke, who made _Heda's_ soul deep down inside Lexa ache to be around constantly. Soulmates were a funny thing. The previous night had Lexa tossing in turning with the thought and she came to the conclusion that she may have actually been falling in love with the blonde the entire time. Something she didn't think was really possible, but it was happening. She had skipped from the crush stage and went right to love but she wouldn't dare talk about that aloud. Thinking about even doing that so soon made the black blood in her veins run cold. 

But Clarke made her want to scream it from the rooftops. 

She took the blonde in her arms and held her tightly, not wanting to let go. She could hear the other guys shuffle into another room, letting them be alone for just this moment. The last moment they'd have before they were thousands of miles apart. Lexa took this time to memorize everything she could about Clarke, things she wouldn't be able to have from YouTube videos. The way she smelled, the way she sounded so close to her. The little things she loved so much. She knew once she walked away her heart would ache to be near her again. 

They stayed there a few moments until Clarke reluctantly pulled away, only to pull Lexa into a kiss that left her feeling breathless; because she knew it was the last time she'd feel those lips against her own for a while, if they even met in person again. When they pulled apart Lexa called Anya back into the room, and with final goodbyes they were leaving the hotel, leaving California, and leaving their new friends behind. 

\------- 

The next day, Clarke, Raven, Octavia and Bellamy started their long drive back home. Lexa and Anya began to unpack, and the former started planning new videos. 

All of the final vlogs filmed were posted. 

\--------

A few days later, a picture of the moment Lexa and Clarke shared in line for the Haunted Mansion was plastered all over twitter. 

Lexa was terrified. 

\-------- 

A week later, both Lexa and Clarke were afraid the other had forgotten about them, with phones that shared no new messages between the two; both too stubborn to text or call the other first. 

 

\---------

Three weeks later, a box showed up at Lexa's doorstep with a letter and other small things attached. 

A weight was lifted off of Lexa's shoulders as she read the return address-- Clarke Griffin. 

She eagerly opened the package, grinning ear to ear at its contents. Inside was a series of Polaroid printed photos-- a picture from the first day they met. Various pictures of Lexa with fans and selfies with the group. A hoodie with the word "Stanford" printed across it in bold lettering. But at the bottom of the box, next to the letter, was one more photo. 

A photo of Lexa and Clarke's kissing forms in front of the castle, illuminated by its lights and the fireworks going off in the background. 

With the smile still on her face, Lexa opened the letter. 

_"Lexa,_

_I know I haven't called, but you should know that phones work both ways. I'm kidding-- I know life gets in the way sometimes. But I want you to know that I haven't forgotten. I haven't forgotten about you, or the way you made me feel._

_I can't really explain it._

_The weekend we spent together was.. indescribable. It was the happiest I've been in a long time and I only have you to thank. I know I probably still sound like a crazed fan right now, but it's true. You made me feel so amazing this weekend, even if we didn't spend a lot of time together privately. I really don't want those moments we shared to be our lasts. I really want you to be a part of my life, Lexa._

_The pictures enclosed are ones that I thought you'd enjoy, especially the one with the castle. Raven took it and I didn't even notice. She's the one who suggested I do this, actually. I added a sweater, too, because I'm hoping that you miss me as much as I miss you._

_I really hope to hear from you, Lex. Because as crazy as it sounds, I really, really miss you._

_Yours truly,_

_Clarke Griffin."_

The brunette wasted no time putting on the sweater and taking a deep breath, smelling the scent that she definitely hadn't forgotten since their moment in the hotel room. She sat in the middle of her living room, surrounded by photos with a grin on her face, and that's where Anya found her hours later. 

"I see you got your package?" 

Lexa looked up at her sister, eyes wide. "You did this?" 

Anya only smiled and walked towards the kitchen. "Happiness is a good look on you, Lex. Give her a call." 

Lexa nodded and didn't hesitate to grab her phone, dialing the number that had been put into it almost a month prior. 

Maybe soulmates weren't such a crazy thing after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end of VidCon weekend! There'll be a bit of a time jump between this chapter and the next as we really start moving forward. Like always I don't know when I'll next update but if I don't do it before the new year (rip I said that last time now look at me), I hope you all have a great start to 2017.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time jump to end of October! Here we meet a handful of new characters as well as a small dip into Trikru culture. Mostly a filler to lead up to future chapters and get things moving. 
> 
> Basically, we meet Lexa's family.

Since Lexa received her care package from Clarke, they had been in constant contact through texting, phone calls and the occasional video chat to keep up to date with their lives. Lexa learned that Clarke was going into her senior year at the age of twenty four, and on top of YouTube and school she worked quite the amount of jobs. She only knew that because she had quickly learned Clarke's schedule when the blonde would make quick calls to her on her breaks. 

It was nearing the end of October now and Lexa was getting ready to head home for what others knew as Halloween weekend, but for _Trikru_ it was a weekend where the past _Heda's_ would come around and grace the tribe with their blessing. Anya always described it as "the _Trikru_ version of o hallows eve" when spirits were able to walk the earth freely. On the thirty-first of October they held a great bonfire and they would all give their wishes for the upcoming year, asking for things such as luck or health, or even a blessing for weddings. As the current _Heda_ Lexa was to hold the ceremony and come in contact with _Heda's_ past. For the brunette with such high anxiety, it was the most tiring part of the year. But it came with the title that Lexa held so close to herself and she took pride in it. 

She packed the essentials, having already announced her break from videos in a video she posted and soon enough she and Anya were on their way to Virginia. They were lucky enough to have wifi on the plane and Lexa took this chance to interact with twitter, as much as Anya was protesting saying they were supposed to be having an "internet free weekend" as per tribal ritual. 

_" **CommanderHeda:** currently on a flight that has wifi and now is as good as any to have my occasional #askHeda ! send me your questions ! "_

She waited a few moments, and just like always there was an onslaught of questions. She took her time, answering all to the best of her abilities with the 140 character limit, a smile growing on her face as she watched the friends of those she mentioned freak out for the fan she answered. She was nearing the end of her flight by the time she finished, multiple questions of the same content catching her eye. 

_" **CommanderHeda** what's going on with you and **SkyPrincessGriffin** ?"_

Ever since that picture of she and Clarke at Disneyland was sent around (as well as multiple others that people had manage to capture), the questions had been more and more frequent but if she were being honest, Lexa didn't even know what was going on with them. Flirting was a definite thing-- not to mention the kissing that had happened that weekend-- and it was quite obvious that Clarke had a thing for her, but Clarke was also a fan. As much as she didn't want to think about it, Clarke's "feelings" for Lexa could very well be a facade; a way to get close to her. As per usual she ignored the questions for the time being and thanked her viewers for the questions before she shut off her phone and turned to Anya, who had slept through most of the flight, headphones perched atop her head. 

Lexa smiled and reached over, pushing them so they fell around her neck. Her sister slowly came to consciousness, sending a small glare Lexa's way as Hayley Kiyoko's "Cliff's Edge" played from the headphones, only noticeable by the beat and faint melodies. 

"You know, there's much nicer ways to wake someone up." Anya grumbled, moving to stretch as best as she could in the small airplane seats. 

Lexa only grinned, shifting in her seat to slide her phone in her pocket. "There is, but that's always more fun." 

A laugh left her lips as the plane came to a land and as they exited it, Lexa took in the familiar air that she knew as Virginia. She wouldn't openly admit it, but she missed home. But she had left Virginia for a reason; a new start. If it wasn't for her family still in the state she wouldn't go back. It held bad memories for her, but she always powered through it for the sake of her culture. Being _Heda_ meant making sacrifices. 

The drive to their childhood home was quiet, aside from the dull noise coming from the radio. Anya was serious about the "no tech" rule, as were their aunt and uncle. It was the same rule every year, but if she were being honest Lexa was hoping that at some point she'd be able to Skype their friends in California. Being able to talk to them and see them would bring her out of the bad mood that their home always seemed to put her in. When they pulled up to the small two-story house, Lexa was met with the soft brick that framed her childhood and while she was met with a wave of nostalgia, she was also met with a wave of dread. A sigh escaped her lips as they exited the car and headed forward, knocking three times on the door they used to be able to walk right into. 

Lexa knew that Anya could feel her uneasiness. 

But that uneasiness dissipated momentarily when their uncle opened the door. 

_"leksa! onya! em ste os gon yu hou! shopta? miya ona, miya ona! indra, emo hir!"_ their uncle, Gustus, announced and ushered them into the house where they were met with the familiar scent of homemade meals and well.. home. They removed their shoes and walked inside, feeling the hardwood floors under their feet. 

Anya was quick to make her way into the kitchen to greet their aunt, but Lexa took her time walking through the house. Memories of high school flooded through her as her eyes scanned over the pictures that hadn't changed; not even dust collecting over the old wooden frames. Child Lexa and Anya were plastered on their walls, joining only their cousin and honorary cousin as well. She was so lost in memories that she hadn't realized said cousin had come up behind her and covered her eyes. 

_"yu don bants gon biga gou, Heda."_ He grinned, Lexa turning in his arms. 

"Lincoln!" 

Her arms wrapped around her cousin, whom she hadn't seen in a few years. Once she pulled back she noticed all the things that had changed; he was a year older than her-- the same age as Anya-- but he looked a lot older. Wrinkles had formed on his forehead as well as smile lines, creases that grew with the widening of his lips. He had been studying to be a paramedic, but once he got a job he of course had to work on what was usually such a special time for _Trikru_ , but Lexa understood that sacrifices had to be made sometimes. Nevertheless, she was beyond glad to see him. 

"I didn't think you'd make it out this year." 

"I managed to have Monroe cover my shift. Once I explained some stuff to them they understood why I wanted it off and gladly took over." He explained, the grin never leaving his face. 

Out of the corner of her eye Lexa saw Anya sneak out of the kitchen towards them and her smile turned into a smirk as her sister jumped on Lincoln's back with an exclaimed cry of joy that merged into laughter. She watched as Lincoln laughed and ran around the house, Anya flailing on his back with blonde hair acting like a tail of a horse. Lexa shook her head and walked into the kitchen, finally greeting her aunt. 

"Afternoon, Aunt Indra." She greeted, kissing her aunt on the cheek. "Already starting on dinner?" 

Indra's expression was blank but Lexa saw the amused expression in her eyes. "As always; someone has to do it and Nyko is out getting supplies for tomorrow night." 

The brunette hummed and reached over, picking a baby carrot from the pile to be broiled and popped it in her mouth. She tried not to think too much about Halloween, knowing that it would cause that tightening feeling in her chest. 

"What about Uncle Gustus? He was here a second ago." 

"Probably retreated back to the basement. You know how he is-- always working on whatever project he has in mind." 

"That's not always a bad thing, though." 

Gustus Woods was a particular man. He and Indra took Lexa and Anya in after their mother and father's passing, when Lexa was six and Anya was seven. They raised them as their own, causing the girls and Lincoln to grow up more like siblings than cousins. The change wasn't too intense, but every time Lexa thought back on it, she realized little details that she was too young to remember before. More specifically how during the months after her parents passed, her uncle was spending more and more time in the basement that would later turn into his bedroom when he and Indra split. 

"It's not a bad thing, but I think he's the one trying to follow in your footsteps, _Heda_." Indra's voice had a teasing tone to it; one that Lexa knew all too well. She sighed and rolled her eyes as she slipped onto the counter island, locking her legs together as the sounds of sizzling vegetables and Anya and Lincoln's dull voices wafted in from the other room. 

"So he's trying his hand at YouTube?" 

"Key word being _trying_ ," Indra shook her head, "he can't figure out how to edit the videos." 

Lexa smiled. It had been a while since she had been home and she did miss it. Sometimes, the good memories in the making outweighed the bad. "And Nyko is okay with this?" 

"Am I okay with what?" 

Lexa seemed to visibly perk up at the sound of Nyko entering, her smile widening. She slipped off the counter and headed for the door, throwing her arms around him as soon as she collided. 

"Oof, _leksa_ , you act as if you haven't seen me in years." He chuckled, wrapping one arm around her. "What were you asking Indra about?"

"How you put up with Gustus' attempt at making videos." 

Nyko only rolled his eyes. "Whatever makes him happy, I'm okay with." 

Nyko was a long-term friend of Gustus', their friendship staring way back in high school. They had always been close, but it was during Gustus' marriage with Indra when they realized that their connection wasn't just platonic. Thus leading to the mutual agreement divorce, and Nyko joining their pack in the Woods' home with his son. 

"Lexa?" 

The brunette stepped away from Nyko and looked towards the open door, her eyes widening at the head of blonde hair that she _swore_ was a lot closer to the ground when she last saw it. She stepped forward and ruffled it lovingly, despite the person attached to it being now taller than her. 

"It's been a while, _Natblida_ ," she grinned. "You've gotten so tall." 

The boy rolled his eyes and pushed past his cousin, taking the groceries that he carried into the kitchen. "That happens when someone turns sixteen." 

"Shit--"

"Lexa, language." 

"Sorry Nyko-- geez.. sixteen already? Before you know it we'll be preparing your tasks, Aden." Lexa had completely forgotten that his birthday had been earlier that year. Even though she sent a gift. 

As the boy set the groceries down in the kitchen a smirk formed on his lips. "I know. I've been studying non-stop. We're going in November, right? To begin?" 

She could see the excitement growing in his eyes but her own anxiety was bubbling too. She wasn't prepared to do the tasks-- she needed to do her own studying. She knew that Gustus would help her if she needed it, but she also knew she'd be more respected if she did it on her own. She had to do it on her own. 

Aden was a rarity in the _Trikru_ tribe; there being only a handful of them with him being the eldest. Aden was a _Natblida_ , or Nightblood, otherwise recognized as someone who is next in line for _Heda_. While Lexa had no problem training him and guiding him on his tasks, she almost forgot how they even went because the last time a series of tasks happened, they were her own. 

"Yes, Aden. We can start in November." 

She watched as he fist pumped the air and bounded off to the living room, joining Anya and Lincoln as they caught up. She heard her sisters squeal and a chill ran down her spine, suddenly feeling very warm. Shaking it off, she joined her family in the living room. 

This lasted a few hours until dinner came, when Lexa realized just how small the rather big house actually was when it was filled with people. There was quite a few; especially in what they considered their immediate family. At the head of the table sat Lexa, in the spot that was reserved for _Heda_ , and to either side of her was Anya and Lincoln. Aden was next to Anya, with Nyko next to him and Gustus at the other end of the table. Next to Lincoln was Indra, and an open spot next to her. To anyone else it didn't seem like a lot, but with the elevated noise and smells, Lexa's mind was racing. Anya had taken her hand at one point, and it helped a little bit, but after dinner Lexa was able to convince Indra to let her have a little online time to herself after dinner to calm down. 

She had never moved faster in her life. 

As her laptop booted up to life, Lexa found herself looking around the room she had called home. As per usual, Lexa's childhood bedroom had remained untouched since she last left it, but it still brought a wave of emotions that caused her to take a deep breath to try and ignore. She didn't want to think of what had happened before in that room. This weekend wasn't about that-- it was about the tribe. About being _Heda_. Being brave and being a leader. 

Lexa felt anything but. 

The pling of Skype booting up on her laptop caught her attention and her eyes lit up, seeing the green icon next to "Clarke Griffin". Without a second thought she clicked the video call button and turned in her desk chair, pulling her suitcase towards her and unzipping it while she waited. Aden had asked her to go with him later on to get firewood, and she couldn't just say no to him, so she had to find some warmer clothes. 

"Lexa! Finally, _something_ from you!" 

The familiar melodic voice of the blonde that had caught Lexa's infatuation made her heart flutter as she turned to the source, seeing Clarke's pixelated, faux-annoyed look on her screen. "I told you, I'm supposed to be going dark this weekend." 

"Then explain this?" 

"My aunt is... very lenient when it comes to me calming down." Lexa was hesitant to explain why she called, especially when she could hear Bellamy and Octavia arguing in the background. Obviously Clarke knew most about her anxiety, but she knew that Bellamy and Octavia didn't know a whole lot and she didn't feel like preaching it to everyone. "Everything okay over there?" She asked, referring to the arguing. 

"What?" Clarke paused, "Oh-- they're fine. Bell made a comment about _Supernatural_ and O blew up on him. The usual stuff." 

Lexa smiled as the duo could still be heard--

_"You're an idiot, you know that? Have you even seen the show?"_

_"No! That's why I asked you about it!"_

_"How could you not know that Cas is an angel? He has wings!"_

_"Not in that scene!"_

Lexa chuckled and the sides of Clarke's mouth perched up. "Is that your old room?" 

Lexa hummed and nodded, pushing herself out of the way. "Yeah.. it's not much; I took most of the stuff with me to Minnesota, but.. it's home. My family is downstairs causing a ruckus." 

A thud could be heard from the first floor of Lexa's home, followed by a squeal and what could only be Indra scolding her sister and cousins. 

"Sounds like a fun time." 

Lexa bit her lip and looked back at the camera. "They're definitely something. I mean, the only time I can get this kind of slip-and-fall content is when I'm around you." She teased, watching as Clarke feigned shock. 

"Lexa Woods, how dare you! I am _not_ that clumsy!" 

"You are, actually."

"Did you call me just to insult me?"

"No, actually. I called you because--"

"Is that Lexa? I wanna say hi!" Raven suddenly appeared onscreen and Lexa had to fight back a sigh-- she was used to being interrupted at this point. 

"Hey, Raven. How're you?" 

"Dude! I hate that you've gone dark. Not to mention how mopey this ones been." Raven nodded towards Clarke, earning a glare from the blonde. 

They continued on with conversation, with Raven talking everyone's ear off and Octavia joining them at some point after sending Bellamy away for food. They caught up on what's happened since they last spoke, but if she were being honest Lexa wasn't really listening to them talk. She was focused on the way that Clarke was reacting to everything. The way she'd perk up at interesting bits or grow bored at the ones she didn't care too much about. She noticed the way that when she got too bored she'd pick at her nails, or even zone out. But the thing she caught onto the most was the times that she'd catch Clarke trying to catch a glimpse of her, and that made the butterflies in her stomach flutter about. 

She didn't know how long they had been talking. It was mostly Octavia and Raven at some point, then Bellamy came back and joined the conversation too, but soon Lexa was able to tell them about her family. She told them about her aunt and uncles, and Aden, and Lincoln, and how happy she was to be there (even if her emotions were telling her otherwise). She was about to tell them about having to prepare for Aden's trials when there was a knock on the door, and it opened. Lexa sighed. 

_"leksa, indra biyo em ste gou gon seingeda."_

She ran a hand over her forehead and glanced towards Lincoln in the doorway. She loved him, she really did, but this Skype call wasn't going at all how she was really hoping. She really just wanted to talk to Clarke alone. 

_"won tika, beja."_ She called behind her, fully prepared to continue talking about the trials when she heard Lincoln step further in the room, causing her to turn around where she could look at both her cousin and her friends. 

_"chon laik yu chich op?"_

Lexa glanced at her friends with a smile. _"oma lukot raun kaliforna."_ She stated. 

Lincoln bent over and looked at the computer, smiling and waving at the group on the other side. 

_"emo laik meizen."_

Lexa chuckled. _"belomi seintaim?"_

Lincoln smirked and looked at Bellamy again, who looked beyond confused at the word that sounded like his name. _"sha, belomi seintaim. em ste..."_ he gestured to his head, curling his hands around referring to Bellamy's curly hair. 

Lexa laughed and Lincoln patted her shoulder as he stood up straight again. She turned back to her computer and called over her shoulder, _"tel op indra ai ban op raun won tika."_

"Five more minutes, Lex. You may be _Heda_ but Indra will behead us all if you don't take a break." He responded, heading out of the room. "Bye Lexa's friends." 

Lexa smiled softly and looked back at the computer at her friends, who all looked either completely confused, amused, or in Octavia's sense, smitten. 

"Who the hell was that?" 

"That was my cousin, Lincoln. But I gotta go guys, he was right about Indra.." 

Raven caught the message and ushered the Blake siblings out of the room with a called out "tell Anya hi for me!", leaving Lexa and Clarke alone. 

"I'm really glad you called, Lex." 

"You Skyped with me a few days ago." 

"But it's a lot harder when I can't just text you something or even call you." Clarke sighed and Lexa looked down at her hands. They were silent for a moment. Lexa knew they should probably talk about what they were-- especially when Clarke was saying stuff like that-- but it was a conversation for another day. 

"I know.. but go out tomorrow, have fun with _Skaikru_ and I will try to call you before I get on my plane on Sunday, okay?" 

Clarke nodded and she smiled sadly at Lexa. "I miss you, Lex." 

Lexa smiled in response; "I miss you too." 

Hitting the end call button left a heavy feeling in her heart that Lexa didn't like one bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not too sure how I feel about this chapter at all BUT I hope you enjoyed it!! I also hope I didn't completely butcher the trigedasleng; this was my first attempt at really trying to translate sentences on my own without an online translator. 
> 
> "yu don bants gon biga gou, Heda."   
> you've been gone for a long time, commander.
> 
> "leksa, indra biyo em ste gou gon seingeda." --  
> Lexa, Anya says it's time for family. 
> 
> "won tika, beja." --  
> one moment, please. 
> 
> "chon laik yu chich op?" --  
> who are you talking to?
> 
> "oma lukot raun kaliforna." --  
> my friends in California. 
> 
> "emo laik meizen." --  
> They're beautiful. 
> 
> "belomi seintaim?" --  
> Bellamy too?
> 
> "sha, belomi seintaim. em ste..." --*hair motion*  
> yes, Bellamy too. It's the...
> 
> "tel op indra ai ban op raun won tika." --  
> tell Indra I'll be out in a moment.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> O Hallows Eve ritual and a time jump to November. Mostly Lexa at the beginning but Clexa at the end. Since there would usually be a lot of Trigedasleng in this chapter, the parts that would be in Trigedasleng are in italics. Basically, if it's dialogue with Lexa's family and it's italic, that would usually be in Trigedasleng.

Taking a few deep breaths, she finally turned to look at herself in the mirror. She hadn't worn _Heda's_ clothing since the previous year and already she could tell how loose it had become in some spots. She had lost weight, that was a given. It was the nagging voice in the back of her head, in the voice of Anya, telling her to eat more. Telling her that everything was okay; her appetite would return soon and come on the regular. Indra would comment on how the garments looked loose and how she would gladly tailor them for her, but Lexa would decline. If they got too tight it would be impossible to hand them down to Aden when necessary. 

The garments themselves weren't consistently handed down from _Heda_ to _Heda_. Most were Lexa's own articles of clothing that were altered to match what _Heda_ stood for. Pieces of metal sewn in here or there for armor. Clasps of chains added around her thighs and boots that went up to her knees. A leather corset around her chest that had she not grown used to, would make it hard to breathe. Her own touches, but things that her grandfather would approve of as the last _Heda_. Anya had helped her with her makeup; black war paint that started from her inner eye and spread out across, dripping down her cheeks like paint (that greatly resembled her mascara from VidCon). In the middle of her forehead, right between her brows lied one of the two things that was _always_ handed down by _Heda's_ past-- the pendant. It represented a source of power in the tribe-- the leader. And Lexa found herself start to shake again. Each day that passed she realized more and more that she wasn't doing enough as _Heda_. But that was something for another day. 

_"heda, it's almost time. they're starting to show up-- Adens going to start the fire."_ Anya spoke from the threshold of Lexa's bedroom. Her sisters voice calmed her and she released the breath she didn't realize she was holding. Soon they were walking out of their childhood home into the acres of land their aunt and uncle owned; towards the opening where the crowd circled the fire pit. 

The sun was setting over the trees in the distance, causing the forest that surrounded them to be cast in an orange glow that melted well with the fallen leaves. Each crunch under her feet made Lexa's heart fall deeper, but she had to be brave. For the sake of the tribe. 

She took her place on the wooden throne carved from the trunk of what used to be the biggest tree in the forest; it fell many, many years ago and since then had been carved and chiseled into a place where _Heda_ sat. It was one of the last places that Lexa saw her grandfather before he passed. 

The crowds chatter had died as Lexa descended into the throne, Anya taking the spot immediately to her side as her second. Green eyes roamed across the crowd of familiar faces; those she'd grown to know as members of the _Trikru_ tribe. Roan; the most recent member of the tribe, having been taken in after he was banned from _Azgeda_ land by his old-fashioned mother when he refused to marry a friend of her's daughter. Titus, the flamekeeper-- the one who held her ritual when she received the flame from her grandfather. The group of younger children- the _Natblidas_ \- where Aden would join his friends after he did his part. The other warm faces of the tribe that held her family. It calmed her down. 

With a nod towards her cousin, Aden scraped the flint against the piece of steel and the big pile of leaves and branches caught aflame, mimicking the glow that the sunset had created. 

The air grew colder as she waited patiently, letting the sun take its time to set. 

"O hallows eve, _the night where we gather to embrace the year we've had and look for hope in the new year._ " she began, her voice faking the confidence that she wished she had. _"tonight we will call upon_ Heda's _past and bring forth the guidance of higher power, the ones in the City of Light. We will begin with our traditional hymn-- Titus, lead."_

As Titus began the quiet chant in Trigedasleng, Lexa let her body relax. Soon she would hold the power of the _Heda's_ before her and it would feel like a million voices inside her head. She would have to refrain from getting overwhelmed, which wasn't easy for her. As the chant grew in depth and sound her body began to vibrate and her eyes fell closed. They were there; Lexa could feel them. 

And for once, she felt at ease.

She knew it was because her grandfather was there with her, once again. 

The hymn ended, and now it was time for Lexa to guide whomever asked. 

_"Who would like to begin?"_

She opened her eyes and almost flinched by the brightness of the flame; a vast contrast against the darkness of the forest around them. It had grown quiet aside from the crackling of the flames, but soon the quiet was broken by a gruff voice, bringing Lexa's attention. 

_"Nyko and I would like_ Heda's _blessing for our wedding next autumn._ " Gustus announced, causing a small smile to appear on Lexa's face. With the legalization of gay marriage in the past year, Nyko had proposed and the planning began. She waited a moment, waited for that overwhelming _positive_ feeling that would signify a general _yes_ , and when she got it she nodded in the direction of her uncle. 

_"Your blessing is granted."_

The ritual continued on throughout the night, each member asking for different things for the year and Lexa answering accordingly. By the time they had finished, the fire was dying completely, burning only ashes and small branches in minuscule flames and glowing embers. The sky had begun to grow from black to navy and was settling now in a soft grey with a blue tint. Lexa's heart ached for what it reminded her of. 

When the fire completely died and they finished the ending hymn to allow their elders to return to the City of Light, parents carried the asleep _Natblidas_ to their homes and her own family retreated back to fall asleep for the day. Lexa stayed behind, however, remaining in the throne that had caused her butt to fall asleep at some point in the night. 

She looked up to the sky, where the stars were staring to blend in with daybreak and sighed, running her fingers against the smooth arms of the throne. 

"I hope you're proud of me," she whispered into the sky. "I'm doing the best I can." 

The small breeze of wind that followed told her all that she needed to know. 

With a smile she began the walk back to the house, where she would sleep for hours before she would wake only to take a plane back to Minnesota to get back to day to day life. 

\------

"So.. I have a question." 

Clarke looked up at the screen, her eyes lighting up as Lexa spoke. They had been silently enjoying each other's company on Skype, with Clarke doing school work and Lexa planning out videos. She heard the other girl set down her pen and she clicked her own, fully intending on listening to what Lexa had to ask. 

"Hit me with your best shot." 

Lexa's smile, albeit pixelated, was small as she started to speak again. "I was wondering.. for Thanksgiving, my family has this big get together-- it's going to last a few days.. would you maybe want to come? At least for a night?" she paused a moment. "You don't have to feel obligated-- I know a lot of people like to spend Thanksgiving with their family so I totally understand if you want to be at home but I miss you and stuff and I know you're going on break--" 

"Lexa." 

"--and I figured that Raven could probably come too and she could spend time with Raven and you could meet my family and--"

"Lexa--"

"--and I know it's kind of short notice because it's in a few weeks and you probably already have plans--" 

"Lexa!" 

The green-eyed girl paused again. 

"I'd love to join you. Let me call my mom and I'll call you right back, okay?" Clarke answered with a smile, and when she received a nod she ended the call with Lexa, pulling up her phone and dialing her moms number. 

_"Clarke! You've called!"_

"Hey, mom." She paused, hearing background noise come to a halt. Her mom must've been watching television. 

_"How are you?"_

"I'm good.. listen, I have a question. Are we.. doing anything big on Thanksgiving?"

Her mom was silent a moment, _"Let me check.."_ there was rustling on the other end and Clarke chewed her lip, tapping her pen against the pad of paper on her desk. _"I don't think so.. I'm working on Thanksgiving and then your grandmother invited us over for dinner the next day. Why?"_

A grin formed on pink lips, Clarke now bouncing a little in her seat. "My friend invited me over to spend Thanksgiving with her family.. it'd be for a few days but I'd come by before class started up again."

She had a feeling that her mom wouldn't have a problem with it; when her grandmother-- Abby's mother-- was involved Abby didn't want anything to cause arguments and despite it being her daughter, Clarke being there would cause exactly that. Abby's mother was highly conservative, and didn't approve of Clarke's sexuality at all. It had caused problems before and even caused tension between Clarke and Abby when the blonde first came out, but their relationship had since been repaired. 

_"I don't see a problem with that, as long as we can have dinner together before you leave."_

"Thank you so much!" 

She talked with her mother for a little while longer, but when she was finished it was time to tell Lexa the good news. 

A few weeks later she was packing her bags and getting on a plane to Virginia. 

\-----

"So where are we going today, oh dear sister of mine?" Anya asked, the camera pointed towards Lexa as the brunette sat in the drivers seat. 

Her fans had thoroughly enjoyed the vlogs she had done at VidCon, and as per usual they wanted more. Lexa felt that she didn't really live a very exciting life, but with Clarke and Raven joining them for Thanksgiving Anya urged her to vlog the experience. 

"We are currently on our way to the airport to pick up a few certain friends of ours." Lexa picked up her drink, taking a sip and sticking her tongue out at the camera. She knew that she'd go to edit it out, but Anya would insist that she kept it in. 

"And you want me to film it, right?" 

"If you want." 

She pulled into the parking lot of the airport and her body seemed to vibrate with excitement. They had a half hour before Raven and Clarke's flight was set to land and she was all but jumping around the room. Anya put the camera away for the time being and almost had to jog to catch up to Lexa with the pace her sister was walking into the airport. She found them a spot close to the gate and sat down, her knee bouncing impatiently. 

"You know, the speed of your knee isn't going to increase the speed of them getting here." Anya teased, leaning back in her seat. "Relax a little bit. They'll get here soon."

Lexa blushed, looking sheepishly at her sister. "I'm just.. really excited. I've missed her." 

"Couldn't tell at all." 

Lexa rolled her eyes and looked towards the gate, then at her phone to check the time. She did this repetitively, her knee starting to bounce again. Words couldn't describe how excited she was to see Clarke again. Messages and video calls weren't enough; she missed the way Clarke's hand fit in hers. She missed the way that Clarke smelled; the sweater the blonde had sent had lost whatever smell of Clarke it had after Lexa's repeated wearing. Ever since Clarke had told her she was coming, Lexa swore her heart was beating faster in her chest. 

She had been lost in thought when people started to trickle out of the gate, but a nudge of Anya who had brought the camera back out got her attention and she looked hopefully at the gate for the blonde hair that she could recognize so well. She spotted Raven first and was on her feet, walking quickly to the gate. 

Raven had waved to Anya as the older blonde held up the camera, almost missing Lexa walking towards the pair. She moved quickly, watching and filming and above all, biting back a laugh at the fact that Clarke dropped her luggage at Raven's feet in order to run towards Lexa, meeting her halfway and leaving Raven pouting a few feet behind her. 

For Lexa, she couldn't get to Clarke fast enough. She felt like she was moving in slow motion and it was taking all she had to get to her, but then she did. And she wrapped her arms around Clarke's midsection and Clarke's arms were around her neck. And that home feeling returned, and she could feel Clarke's grin against her neck. Clarke was with her again, and it was the greatest feeling in the world. 

\------

"Ah, girls! You're back!" Nyko called, peeking his head out from the threshold of the kitchen. "And you brought your friends! _come in, come in_ , make yourselves at home. It's just me right now but I was preparing some snacks for a movie if you'd like to join me." 

Lexa nodded, Clarke's bag in tow. "I think that's a great idea. By the way.. Clarke, Raven.. this is Nyko, my uncle. Nyko, this is Clarke and Raven." 

"Pleasure to meet you both, girls. _Onya, Leksa, show them their rooms_ and then you can join me, _sha?_ We can pick the movie together." He grinned, picking up a big bowl of popcorn and headed towards the living area. 

The Woods' sisters led their guests upstairs to the respective rooms where they'd be staying, Clarke with Lexa and Raven with Anya. They parted at the top of the stairs and soon Clarke was seeing the room she had seen via a pixelated screen on Halloween. She took it in, despite it not screaming the personality she had grown to know as Lexa's, but there was a few hints here and there that once upon a time this was the safe haven for a teenage-angst filled brunette. 

"It's bigger than I thought it would be." Clarke commented as Lexa set Clarke's suitcase on the bed. 

"Screens have a way of minimizing things.. the bathroom is down the hall on the left; not the door next to Anya's room but the one next to it." Lexa explained, turning towards the girl. 

"As much as I'd love to hear about where I'll be able to do my business.." Clarke trailed off, stepping towards Lexa and draping her arms around her shoulders. "I'm much more interested in being right here." 

Lexa's heart fluttered in her chest and she had to fight from smiling like a fool. "Being right here seems like a great place to be." 

Clarke didn't say another word, instead letting her actions do the talking. She leaned forward, doing what she had wanted to do since she saw Lexa in the airport and kissed her softly, just gentle moving of lips together. It was sweet, it was calm and it was what she missed. Heartbeats fell into sync and Clarke wanted to stay there forever. 

"You know, with the amount of time you two spend doing that I'm going to be able to make a scrapbook of it." 

They split slowly, turning to look at Raven who stood there smirking. 

"Nyko called for us, _Heda_. We shouldn't keep him waiting or else he'll let Aden test his spear out on us." Anya's voice was teasing, but Lexa knew there was a twinge of seriousness in it. Aden did need a little bit of practice, after all. 

"We'll be down in a minute. Please don't let Nyko pick _RENT_ again. _Spirit knows I've heard it too many times it'll make my ears bleed._ " 

Anya chuckled. _"Don't have too much fun, leksa. you need to rest this week, too."_

Lexa rolled her eyes but was grateful when Anya led Raven back down the stairs. Clarke was going to follow but Lexa pulled her back into her arms, kissing her soundly one more time. 

When they broke, Clarke looked up at Lexa with a grin. "You take my breath away when you do that." 

The brunette rolled her eyes and took Clarke's hand, squeezing it once before letting go. "And you're cheesy." 

When they rejoined the rest in the living room Anya and Nyko were discussing what film to watch, bickering over _Hunger Games_ and _Mamma Mia!_ , with Raven intervening from time to time with comments and smart remarks, and as she sat down on the loveseat with Clarke by her side, she had a growing feeling that this was going to be a weekend to remember.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! Next time Skaikru meets Aden and Aden begins his trials. Please let me know what you think because I love reading about it!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Raven meet the family. Things get a little heated and Lexa panics. Also, we dip into the waters of what made Lexa's anxiety so bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> since this chapter is going to have a little more Trigedasleng, I'm sure you can piece together what is supposed to be translated. Had a little bit of a tough time with this one but it's fairly long (wasn't intending for that lol) and it's really starting to move this story forward.

The rest of the night had gone rather smoothly for the group. They had managed to watch a few movies before the rest of the family started to trickle back in one by one, starting with Lincoln. He had surprised even Lexa and Anya; they didn't realize that he had decided to stay with his parents for the week. He had an apartment closer to Washington D.C., but according to him he was willing to drive the two hours to work up until his time off for Thanksgiving. Really, they were more than happy to see their cousin (and Raven was more than happy to send repetitive snapchats to Octavia of him once he joined their movie watching). 

Indra was next to come home, and after announcing that she was getting started on dinner the house fell quiet again aside from the noises in the kitchen and the sound from the movie. Lexa decided to wait until the rest of the family came home before she introduced her friends to everyone. Soon the smells of her aunts cooking filled the house and Lexa's stomach growled in protest; the brunette having not eaten since that morning. 

The next of the family to enter the house was Gustus, but Aden was quick to run past him, a giant weapon in his hands and excitement in his eyes. 

_"Heda! heda! I got my bow!"_ He exclaimed, his Trigedasleng flowing fluently from his mouth in a way that had Lexa chuckling. Despite being sixteen he showed the excitement of a five year old who just got a brand new toy. 

When a _Natblida_ is preparing for their trials, they are trained in many forms of battle; from hand to hand to various weapons. They are shown how to wield a sword, to skin an animal with a knife, and also to excel in a traditional weapon of their choice. Lexa had chosen the crossbow, following again in her grandfather's footsteps (her own being the one he gave her), but Aden chose a more traditional bow and arrow. Gustus had gotten him one custom made, allowing him to make all design choices on his birthday. 

Nyko had paused the movie and Lexa sat up, taking the bow in her hands. It was nice; not as heavy as her own but it was something he could carry easily through the woods and not get tired. The strings were taunt and a slick black color, contrasting the dull gold painted handle. It matched his quiver with a similar color scheme. 

"Can we go shoot targets?" 

Lexa looked at him softly; "Maybe after dinner. I'll have Nyko set them up and we can prepare you for Wednesday." She ruffled his hair and smiled, handing him back his bow. _"Say hello to our guests._ This is Clarke, and Raven." 

Aden glanced at the new faces that he hadn't even noticed before; too excited over his new bows. "Hello-- I'm Aden." 

"Aden is my cousin." Lexa explained. "And the burly old man in the threshold is my uncle, Gustus." 

Gustus playfully glared at Lexa but waved anyways, "It's a pleasure to meet you both. Lexa and Anya wouldn't shut up about you when we were told you would be joining us. Make yourselves at home. Aden; go put your bow in your room, please." 

Aden did what he was told and Gustus, followed by Nyko, meandered into the kitchen to help with dinner and set the table. Raven, however, was quick to poke Lexa in the side and begin to ask questions. 

"You wanna tell me why that kid was waving around a bow like it was some toy?" 

Lexa stiffened slightly, completely forgetting that her friends didn't know exactly how her family could be. She looked to Anya for help, but her sister only shook her head, showing that this was Lexa's story to tell. 

"Well.. you know that Anya, Lincoln, basically my whole family and I are fluent in _Trigedasleng_ , and that we're all of _Trikru_ culture, yes?" When she received nods, she continued. "Well.. Aden is what we call _Natblida_ , or Nightblood. One with blood as dark as night. It.. shows that he is a potential candidate to be the next leader." She started fiddling with her hands, her nerves starting to show. She wanted to avoid telling Clarke and Raven that she was basically _royalty_ in her family, but it didn't seem like that was going to be possible. "The _Natblida's_ go through a series of tasks and trials when they turn sixteen, in preparation so they are ready to take over in case the past leader, well.. dies. He turned sixteen earlier this year, so his trials are coming up. He needs the bow because he's going to be catching part of ours Thanksgiving dinner." 

"Why did he want to show you, though? Are you close?" Clarke asked. 

She looked to Lincoln and he bit back a chuckle. He knew that this was difficult for her and was teasing. 

"Well... _Heda_ means commander. Or, well.. leader." 

The room fell silent for a moment and Lexa could feel a panic attack crawling up her throat until--

"You mean to tell me that _'CommanderHeda'_ literally means _'Commander Commander'_? Lexa could you have been _any_ more creative than that?" Raven asked and Anya couldn't help but let out a soft laugh as a blush crept up the back of Lexa's neck. 

"I didn't think I'd become this huge deal!" 

"Clearly you already were!" 

Lexa sighed and shook her head, leaning back in her seat. At least they weren't upset for not telling them sooner. Sure it felt like there was a weight lifted off her shoulders, but it also meant that Lexa was beginning to trust them more. And that kind of scared her. The thought of trusting someone all over again and giving them the potential to walk away completely terrified her, but she knew she had to take chances. 

It didn't make her any less afraid, though. 

They talked for a little while longer; with _Skaikru_ asking about _Trikru_ until Indra called them all for dinner. The dinner was full of her family questioning her friends, and her family teasing her but all in good fun. It wasn't until after dinner that the real fun began. 

Gustus had held to Lexa's word and set up the targets for them and while most of them sat around the small bonfire pit on the patio, Lexa and Aden were in the backyard in the cool grass, training by the light of the slowly setting sun. 

The crossbow felt heavy in Lexa's hands. She hadn't really used it since her own hunt; when her grandfather led her through the thick Virginian forests to find her kill. Since then it had collected dust until Aden was choosing which weapon he wanted for his own, but after that it was back to collecting dust in her childhood home's attic. Despite the heavy feeling it held it still felt a part of Lexa; almost like riding a bike. 

She let Aden go first, lining his arrow up and watching his form as he drew it back. Aside from the ambiance coming from around them, all that could be heard was his steady breathing. He released the arrow, the strings thumping against the base and it landed with a loud smack a few inches off of the bullseye. 

Lexa was pleased. 

"Good." 

Aden's eyes lit up from the praise. 

Now it was Lexa's turn. She took an arrow from her own quiver and set it in the frame, taking Aden's spot directly in line with the target. She took her time, aimed it directly where she wanted it to go and pulled the trigger, watching as it flew threw the air and landed directly in the bullseye. Pride filled inside her at the fact that she still knew how to do it, and all anxiety she had about the weapon had faded. 

She couldn't let her anxiety get in the way of her duties, after all. 

As the duo continued, going back and forth with their bows and hitting multiple targets, Raven and Clarke were getting to know the Woods' family. Anya and Raven were curled under a blanket on the bench, earning a few odd looks from Clarke, but for the most part they were all having good fun. 

"Clarke, Lexa tells us you're in pre-med?" Gustus asked, getting the blondes attention. 

"Yeah-- my mom's a doctor down in Atlanta and she's always had this dream about me following in her footsteps." She fiddled with the hem of her sweatshirt; she never really enjoyed talking about her future career. It wasn't her favorite thing to talk about; mostly because she was only doing it for her mom. 

"You know, Lincoln's a paramedic in D.C., and Nyko's a part time nurse at the local hospital. He's actually our tribe's healer." 

"Really?" 

Gustus nodded and continued speaking, but Clarke became distracted by the sound of melodic laughter coming from further down the backyard. She looked over and saw Lexa running around with Aden; their quiver's bouncing on their backs and their bows in their hands. To Clarke, they looked like a couple of kids on a playground pretending they were warriors. It was cute. 

Up until Lexa took another shot at a target, and Clarke's eyes went wide. 

She noticed the small things; the way Lexa's muscles would move as she lined up the bow. The way her brow would tense in concentration as she aimed. The look of joy on her face that would come when she made another bullseye. 

It was really, _really_ attractive. 

Maybe it was the fact that she was still learning new things about the girl. Maybe it was the new sense of power that she couldn't help but affiliate Lexa with. Or maybe it was something else drawing her towards the girl. But she couldn't help the surge of _want_ that flowed through her at the sight of Lexa so calm, so at ease. Doing something that sure, she wouldn't normally do, but it still showed how much she enjoyed it. 

She finally looked away from Lexa when she heard laughter from her left, and upon looking she saw the rest of Lexa's family (and Raven) looking at her. A blush formed on her face and she sunk in her seat, trying to hide her face in her sweatshirt. 

"Seems like Clarke likes what she sees." Anya teased, causing Lincoln to chuckle next to her. 

"Keep it in your pants, Griff." 

Clarke had to keep from flipping Raven off, knowing that it wouldn't make a good impact on Lexa's family. They, however, seemed to be just as amused by Clarke's leering as her friend did. 

The bonfire lasted a little while longer until the flames turned to embers and everyone decided to call it a night. They all retreated to their separate rooms, but Lexa, internally cursing that she hadn't prerecorded anything before they left, set up a late-night livestream for her PST and night owl viewers. 

She had picked a game that was pre-installed in her laptop, knowing that without her desktop she wouldn't be able to play anything new. Usually with her livestreams she picked a game that could be repetitively played in a short amount of time, which would allow her to play it as many times as possible while connecting with her viewers. This time around, she picked _Happy Wheels_. It was short, sweet, and full of different levels. Since Clarke was in the room getting ready for bed, Lexa chose against the camera (also because she couldn't properly attach it to the livestream and couldn't be bothered to try for what felt like the millionth time). 

Once it was up and going, and the viewers started trickling in, Lexa smiled to herself. "Okay guys.. sorry it's so late but I'm home for the holidays and forgot to pre record. I hope this suffices for you until I get back and can film some more videos. On the upside, Anya has my vlogging camera so that should be something to look forward to in the near future." She looked at the comments from her phone, watching as everyone seemed to be quite excited for the upcoming vlog. 

"Glad to see you're all so excited. No cam today; it's late and I don't want to turn on a bunch of lights so it's just going to be a quiet, audio-only night. I'm going to be playing a few maps on Happy Wheels."

For the next half hour, Lexa happily played maps that her viewers recommended, or that they had created for her to play and Lexa was happy. In that moment, she had nothing else to worry about. Her family was okay, Clarke and Raven were with them and she felt content with where she was. No anxiety was even needed. 

Clarke laid on Lexa's bed, phone in her hands opened to an e-book Fand a headphone in her ear, trying her hardest to concentrate on what she was reading but she kept getting distracted. It wasn't like the book was important; it was something she was reading for fun (albeit something her mom recommended for one of the classes she was taking for school). She kept dozing away from the reading, focusing more on Lexa's commentary on the games she was playing and the laughs that followed when she would read a viewers comment. She loved seeing the brunette so carefree. 

Setting the book down she slipped off the bed and walked over to Lexa, placing a hand on her shoulder. It filled her heart to see that the brunette didn't flinch away like she may have done had they not talked as much as they had. 

"What're you playing?" She asked softly, close to Lexa's ear so she could hear her over Lexa's earphones. 

"Happy Wheels. My viewers think they're funny by designing troll maps just for me." 

Clarke chuckled in response and looked down at Lexa's phone, the comments still flooding in but now with a new topic:

_"OMG is that clarke?"_

_"CLARKE !!!"_

_"omg Clarke's with Heda for thanksgiving??? #otp"_

_"play a round with Clarke!!"_

The blonde hummed and rested her head on Lexa's shoulder, watching as the girl played the game on the screen. She glanced down and grabbed a piece of scrap paper and a loose pen, scribbling down a message for Lexa to see. 

_Seems like our covers been blown._

Lexa glanced down at it and smiled. "I take it you guys can hear Clarke, huh? She and Raven are visiting for a few days." 

Clarke continued to stand behind her, her eyes moving between the screen and Lexa's phones. The comments urged her to speak, to interact with Lexa or the livestream in some way but she kept quiet. Instead of talking, a different idea popped in her mind and she took advantage of that. Slowly and softly, as to not make a sound, Clarke placed her lips at the base of Lexa's jaw, gently kissing along it to elicit a reaction from the brunette. 

And elicit a reaction she did. 

Lexa's breath hitched, causing a hiccup in her words but she didn't stop speaking, which made Clarke only want to try harder. She ran her hands along Lexa's arms, moving her lips up the girls jaw and down her neck, sucking softly in various places but never hard enough to leave a mark. That would be something interesting to explain the next morning. 

When Clarke reached the base of Lexa's neck, her plan seemed to be working as the brunettes words started to come out a little more forced. She was _certain_ the comments were going nuts now that the viewers knew Clarke was there, but she really couldn't be bothered. She'd deal with damage control the next day. 

Carefully, she slipped one of the buds out of Lexa's ear and whispered, "End the stream early and come to bed." 

And Lexa's stomach dropped. 

It wasn't that she was _afraid_ of what could happen. No, it was the opposite of that. It was more so that it was happening so _soon_. But she went along with it; telling her viewers that it was late and that she would try to stream again before she went home, and once it was confirmed that the stream had stopped she stepped out of her chair and was immediately met with Clarke's lips. 

She wasn't expecting it, but _god_ did it feel good and she wasn't complaining at all. The blonde moved them towards the bed, gently pushing Lexa down on it so she could straddle her as their mouths moved together languidly. Hands threaded through hair and bodies moved together, Clarke shifting on top of the brunette. She encouraged Lexa to touch her, the latters hands finally falling on Clarke's hips and soon flipping them over with a surge of confidence. 

She kissed Clarke's neck, taking in everything in that moment and nipping at the porcelain skin underneath her. She let herself lose control for just a moment, and was even beginning to dip her fingers under Clarke's top, feeling the soft skin of her stomach. 

It was all going so well, until her mind caught up to her. 

It was almost as if Clarke was fire with the way Lexa shot up. She jumped off the bed, breathing heavily and she wasn't sure if it was from the impending panic attack or the heated kissing she had engaged in. Everything seemed to suddenly be too much and she couldn't breathe, growing warmer by the moment. She struggled to see, struggled to breathe and there was a consistent ringing in her ear that she couldn't quite seem to shake. She had to get out of there. 

Leaving Clarke on her bed she quickly left her room, knocking a few times on Anya's door only to have her heart race faster at what she had accidentally walked in on. 

Raven and Anya were in a similar position that she and Clarke had just been in. 

"Sorry-- I-- sorry-- _shit--_ I'm--" Was all Lexa could get out before she turned and ran, the only trace of her being the quick, soft thuds of her going down the stairs and the front door shutting. 

"What the hell?" Anya asked, beyond confused and shoving Raven off of her. 

A moment later, Clarke appeared in her doorway. Her eyes widened at the sight of her friends disheveled, pupils blown in the dull lighting and hair seeming to defy gravity. 

"Okay, I don't know what the hell I just interrupted but Lexa's in panic mode and I'm pretty sure she just left." Clarke rushed out, panic still evident on her face. 

" _Shit._ " Anya exclaimed, getting out of the bed as quickly as possible and following where Lexa had ran off to, leaving Clarke and Raven alone in Anya's room. 

They heard Anya's car start and while they were both worried, they knew they needed to calm down. It wouldn't help the situation if they didn't. 

"So.. seems like I'm not the only one who was trying to seal the deal tonight." Clarke commented after a few moments. 

Raven threw a pillow at her; a smile forming on her face. "Shut the hell up, Griff." 

They laughed a moment, their laughter dying out soon after. 

"You think she's going to be okay? I didn't mean.. I didn't think I was pushing her." 

Raven sighed and patted Anya's bed. "She's a strong girl, Clarke. She probably just.. hasn't done that sorta thing, or does it often. You gotta remember that only a few months ago you were just a fan to her. You guys are moving pretty quickly." 

Clarke nodded, chewing on her lip. "I'm so stupid, I shouldn't have pushed her.. I should've waited.." 

She was met with another pillow to the face. 

"Stop talking like that. You didn't realize it; I'm sure she just went into fight or flight and she flew. I'm sure if she knew she was going to react that way she would have told you." 

"Yeah.." 

Raven's phone went off and the girl stood, walking over to the desk to retrieve it. Her face fell and Clarke's heart picked up, hoping that everything was okay. "Is that Anya?" 

"Yeah. It looks like Lexa really flew. Took off running. Anya's looking for her now but she asked us to stay up in case she comes back." 

"I really hope she's okay..." 

\-----

Lexa was most definitely _not_ okay. Her lungs burned and her eyes were foggy, but she couldn't stop running. She needed to think, needed to _breathe_ , but she couldn't stop. She couldn't stop. Her thoughts were going a mile a minute and she just felt so _hot_ that she didn't want to stop until the world stopped around her or her lungs protested to the point where she passed out. Whichever came first. 

She ran for what felt like miles until she finally stopped, dry heaving and crying as she hunched over with her hands on her knees. 

"Jesus Christ..." she breathed out, panting softly. She looked up at where she stopped running, her heart sinking. 

Slowly and with heavy breaths she walked forward, stepping onto the playground she knew all too well. 

\----

"Come on Lex, where the fuck are you.." Anya muttered, slamming her hand on the steering wheel. Her sister couldn't have gone far, but _man_ was she fast. With a quick hand and against her better judgement she dialed Raven's number, hoping that Lexa had turned around and gone home. Raven had picked up instantaneously. 

_"Find her yet?"_

"No. I take it she's not home?" 

_"Not yet. You'll find her, Ahn. I'll call you if she comes home."_

"Okay, thank you." 

She hung up the phone and kept driving, thinking of all the places that Lexa would have gone. After driving in circles it finally hit her, and she drove off with determination. Sure enough, she found her little sister sitting on the old swing set, the creaking of the rusted metal creating an eerie ambiance in the usually quiet park. 

"There you are. I was beginning to think you ran to Jersey." Anya joked, walking onto the woodchips to the free swing next to Lexa. "Wanna tell me what happened?" 

Lexa was silent. 

"I'm assuming that you and Clarke were starting to get sexual and you panicked." 

Lexa looked over at her, her brow furrowed. 

"Don't give me that look, Lex. I know you all too well." She looked down at the ground, kicking at the woodchips. "Considering the last time, I'm not surprised that you ran." 

Lexa looked down and gripped the chains, feeling the rust lift off the metal and onto her hands. "This is where I met her." 

A beat of silence,

"I know." 

"It doesn't feel right. But it does at the same time." 

"I know. But she would want you to be happy, Lex. And I know you're moving fast, but.. Clarke makes you happy. I can tell. It's kind of obvious, actually." 

Lexa looked at her sister, "Raven makes you pretty happy too." 

Anya blushed and smiled to herself; "She does. We've.. been trying to figure things out. But I think this could be good for me. Like how Clarke can be good for you." 

Lexa was silent for a moment. "We're so strange..." 

Anya laughed and slipped off the swing, reaching for Lexa's hand. "We definitely are. Come on.. let's pick up some smoothies for us and our girls and we can go do damage control." 

"Do you think Clarke will understand?" 

Anya looked down at her phone then showed Lexa;

_" **Raven:** Anya its Clarke _

_**Raven:** have you found her yet ??_

_**Raven:** tell her that I'm sorry please _

_**Raven:** I don't want to mess things up with her please tell her that I'm sorry _

_**Raven:** please tell me she's okay _

_**Raven:** please _ " 

"I think she'll understand, Lex." 

Lexa nodded and smiled softly, following Anya back to her car. Once in the safety of the vehicle she took Anya's phone and shot off a message of her own;

" _ **Anya:** Its Lexa. I'm okay, I'm safe. Clarke, you didn't do anything wrong. I.. just had a mini attack. We'll be home soon with smoothies."_

And as much as she wanted to type it, but knew it was too soon, the "I love you" still lingered at the end of the sentence in her mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed! Please let me know what you think !!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Filler chapter; Lexa and Clarke talk. The group go on a mall run. Lexa makes a personal discovery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW; very brief mentions of suicide.

Lexa and Clarke hadn't had the chance to properly talk when the brunette returned home, but they both figured it was for the best to rest on what had happened. Lexa was embarrassed; she hadn't been with a girl in so long and yet the moment she was given the chance she panicked and literally ran away. Anyone would be embarrassed in that moment. 

Clarke, on the other hand, was more confused than she was embarrassed. She thought that she had done something wrong; that maybe she had touched Lexa in a way she didn't want to be touched or she was moving things too quickly. She felt like she was rushing Lexa and they weren't even in a relationship. 

That was another thing they needed to talk about; where their relationship stood. 

As far as Clarke knew, they were going in the right direction for the relationship. All that was needed was for one of them to ask the other. But for Lexa it was a lot more than that. The last relationship she had ended.. poorly. Costia was someone that Lexa could never fully recover from and that was why she had panicked. 

But they slept on it, and the next day they would talk about where they really stood. 

\----

Wednesday morning Clarke woke up alone in the room but with the door open, allowing the sounds from downstairs to trickle in, filling the house with laughter and smells of breakfast. The blonde slipped out of bed and threw her hair up, then padded her way down the stairs, following the sounds and smells. At the bottom of the stairs she was met with the sight of the Woods' children in the kitchen, bickering and bantering while and each at different stations. From what she could see, Anya was making batter, Lexa was mixing, Lincoln was pouring and Aden was flipping (read: attempting to flip) the pancakes on the griddle. It was as if they did this on a daily basis, not only on holidays. Clarke found herself lost in watching them all interact with one another. 

Raven made her way behind her, dressed similarly to Clarke and a smile on her face. "You sure are smitten, huh?" She asked, her smile forming into a smirk when Clarke looked at her. 

"Is it really that noticeable?" 

Raven nodded, poking the blonde in the side. "You've got heart eyes, Griff."

They fell silent as Anya turned on the radio, filling the area with music from her phone. 

"Are things okay with you and Lexa?" Raven asked, looking over at the people in the kitchen. 

"We still have to talk about it.. but I hope so." 

"You've gotta be prepared, Clarke. Those things.. I think they're going to happen often. From what I've seen and from what Anya has told me, her anxiety is really.." she took a breath, "really bad."

Clarke nodded her head and was about to speak, but was cut off by Anya letting out a shriek of excitement and the blonde dancing towards them, grabbing their hands and bringing them into the kitchen where they were pulled into an impromptu dance party to Dexys Midnight Runners' _"Come On Eileen"_. 

They danced and sang and continued to make pancakes until Lincoln threw the first pinch of flour at Anya, which turned their dance party into a miniature food fight. Chaos ensued as ingredients were thrown until Gustus came downstairs and put a stop to it, but not until after he had his fun as well. 

They ate covered in a mess, starting the day off lightheartedly and full of a happiness that Lexa felt she really needed, especially if she was going to have that conversation with Clarke. 

They didn't get around to having it until after they were both showered and alone in Lexa's room. Lexa had walked back in drying her hair, and Clarke was waiting for her on her bed. 

"I think we should talk about what happened last night." Clarke started, her eyes fixated on her lap. 

Lexa shut the door behind her and sighed, leaning against it. "What do we need to talk about?" 

Clarke looked up at her, "You know what, Lex.. You ran off when things started getting.. intimate." 

Lexa didn't want to talk about it, but she knew if things were going to work she was going to have to. It was so soon; she didn't want to tell Clarke about this when they didn't even know where they would be romantically in three months. It was something so private, something so close to home and something that she had only shared previously with her family because they were around for it. But looking up at Clarke, at how worried the blonde was, she knew she had to tell her. 

"I.. haven't been intimate with someone in.. maybe nine years." She started, hanging the towel on the doorknob and fiddling with her hands. "We were young, in love, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, but.. something happened. And we couldn't be together anymore. It.. kinda ruined me. Being.. _intimate_ just brings me back to that, and.. and I can't help it. I want to get better, but.." her breathing started to pick up and Clarke was by her side in an instant, carefully taking her hand when she felt it was okay. 

"Lex, I don't want to push you to do anything.. I.. I want to help." 

"I know most people in relationships want to be intimate and have sex but Clarke I don't know if I can do that so soon.." 

"I'm not asking you to, okay?" Clarke explained, squeezing her hand. "I'm not asking you to be intimate. I want.. I want us to go at your pace.." 

"What if that pace is I'm not ready for a relationship?" 

Clarke fell silent. She wasn't expecting that, but really she wasn't sure what to expect. Clarke lived in California, Lexa in Minnesota. Neither of them had been in a long distance relationship before. Things would start to add up and pressure would be added to them; it wouldn't work. Not at first, not when they're still _technically_ still getting to know each other. 

"I can do that." She whispered, pushing a strand of hair behind Lexa's ear. "Like I said.. we can move at your pace, okay?" 

Lexa nodded squeezing her hand back. "I can work with that." 

\-----

The rest of Wednesday went by rather smoothly; mostly consisting of preparing Aden for his hunt the next day. With Lexa joining him, Clarke decided that she was going to be spending that day with Anya, Raven and Lincoln, who insisted on driving them to the monuments and spending the day in the city. Lexa wanted to go with them, but everyone understood that she had other things to focus on. 

They spent the day lounging until Anya got the idea to take them all shopping, despite Lexa's protest. The younger sister wanted to stay inside, maybe record a few videos with her free time but Anya insisted that they spend time together while they could considering how early Lexa was leaving the next day. Soon the five of them were packed up and ready to head out, and this time they didn't even have to drag Lexa out of the house (Anya had to do that a few summers ago when all Lexa wanted to do was film, but Anya insisted they have a sisters day out). 

The drive to the mall was short; the thing with having a paramedic as a chauffeur was that he didn't really pay too much attention to the laws. If they ever got pulled over Anya would feign injury and they'd get by quite smooth. Lincoln abused his position but it always got them where they wanted to go in record time. 

Clarke was surprised that Lexa didn't start feeling anxious due to the speeds they were going, but the way that she was laughing and singing along with the radio showed that she had been through all this before. She, on the other hand, felt her heart beat quicken every time they turned a corner and _swore_ she felt the car merge onto two tires. 

When at the mall Lincoln told them he'd meet them at the entrance in a few hours; explaining that he had something to take care of. The girls didn't question it, instead going off in the direction of various clothing stores. 

"What do you think of this one?" Raven asked, holding up a lacy piece of Victoria's Secret underwear. 

"Blue is not your color. Find the same pair in red and _that's_ a different story." Clarke commented, a smirk playing at their lips. 

Clarke and Raven had wandered into VS after Anya said she was taking Lexa to the bathroom. The amount of people had started to get to her and she needed a break. They were just browsing, but both girls decided that if they found something they liked, why not buy it? 

"Think Anya will like it?" 

"Maybe. If take your time taking clothes off." 

"That what you and Lexa were doing?" 

Clarke paused, running her fingers over the hangers. "Lexa and I aren't really.. doing that stuff." 

"Is it because she ran off? Are you really that shallow, Clarke?" 

"No, no-- we talked about it." She sighed. "Lexa's... not ready for that stuff." 

Raven gave her a look but nodded, knowing it wasn't her place to make comments. "So what? No sex?" 

"No anything.. I mean, she seems okay with kissing, and hand holding, and cuddling but well... no labels, I guess." 

Raven nodded again and picked up a bra to go with the red lace. "It's better than nothing. Are you sure you're okay with that?" 

"I kind of have to be. I want her in my life; sometimes sacrifices have to be made." 

"Worse comes to worst you could always find someone else to hook up with." 

"And relive Cage Wallace circa three years ago? Fat chance." Clarke chuckled, shaking her head. 

"You know it's a shame that didn't work out. His dad is _rolling_ in that top priority money." 

"Yeah well, Cage was a dick."

"I'm surprised he still has one after what you did to him." 

"More like what _Octavia_ did to him. He couldn't walk for weeks after she beat the shit out of him." 

They shared a laugh that died out rather quickly, the two continuing their shopping in quiet. It wasn't long before Anya rejoined them, with Lexa nowhere in sight. 

"Where's Lex?"

"Needed a break. She'll be back with us soon." 

"Are you sure she's okay by herself?" Clarke asked. 

"She's a big girl. She can handle herself, Clarke." 

"But if she's already feeling anxious--" 

"Clarke." Anya looked at her, meeting her concerned eyes. "Lexa is okay. She's got her headphones; she's just doing some shopping for her hunt tomorrow with Aden. If she breaks down she'll call me, okay?" 

Clarke nodded and the conversation ended after that. They did a little more shopping until Lincoln called them asking if they wanted to get an early dinner, but after agreeing they realized Lexa still wasn't with them, nor had she called them. Clarke was starting to worry and they all tried to message Lexa, but in the process of Clarke doing it-- her hands shaking to no other while her mind jumped to the worst possible outcomes-- she dropped her phone. 

"Fuck." Clarke muttered, picking it back up. The screen was shattered and she sighed, running a hand through her hair. 

"Hey-- take it easy, okay? Lexa's alright." Raven patted her shoulder. "We can head over to the Apple Store and get it fixed in no time." 

Clarke nodded but she still couldn't help but think that something was wrong. She had never really been around someone with anxiety before Lexa, she didn't know what to expect. Knowing that Lexa could break down at any moment if she got overwhelmed had herself almost in a panic. 

"Here-- take my card. Get it fixed for me, okay? I'm going to go find her." 

"Clarke I'm telling you-- she's okay. She can handle herself." 

"I don't know that, okay? I.. I want to see for myself." 

Anya sighed and shook her head. "You're wasting your time. If she wanted to be found and wanted to be around people she'd have come back with me." 

"Please, just let me find her?" 

Anya looked at the blonde for a moment. She knew Lexa was okay; she had been the rock that her sister clung to for years. But she recognized the look in Clarke's eyes. The one filled with fear and desperation to know that Lexa was okay. She was certain she had the same look the first few times Lexa had her panic attacks. With a nod, she accepted Clarke's card and handed it to Raven. 

"Text Rae when you find her. We'll meet back at Lincoln's car after, okay?" 

Clarke nodded and then they made their separate ways. 

\----

Lexa had become lost in her own little world. She had her earbuds in and was focusing on the beat of the songs playing in order to keep her breathing in check. Her attack earlier had her shaken up, but she had managed to become at ease in a matter of a half hour. 

She found herself wandering around the mall until she got bored and ended up walking out of the main building to the hunting store a block away. It was still a part of the mall but not in the multi-store building. She nodded a hello to the man behind the counter and made her way back towards the bows, fully intending on buying a new set of broadheads for the hunt the next day. She hadn't even thought to message one of the other girls; she was so lost in the music and the giddy feeling of buying new arrows. Maybe she'd get back into it for more than just the yearly hunt. 

She looked over the various sizes, her eyes growing wide with excitement at the thought of getting to use her bow again. She had never really used it for fun, only when she had to, but using it this week had her feeling even closer to her grandfather. It made her feel normal; like she knew what she was doing. 

She had been looking for what seemed like forever when there was suddenly a pair of arms wrapping around her waist. Her body went into panic mode and she whipped around, fully intending to punch her attacker in the face when blonde hair caught her eye. 

She took a deep breath and pulled her headphones from her ears; "Clarke you scared the hell out of me." She breathed. 

"Sorry.. I've been looking for you. Lincoln wanted to get food-- do you know what time it is?"

Lexa checked her phone and her eyes went wide, "Shit-- I wasn't even paying attention."

"What're you doing out here anyways?"

"My broadheads are getting dull-- I wanted to get some new ones before the hunt tomorrow--" she stopped when Clarke looked at her strangely. "Broadheads are the arrows for my crossbow." 

"Ah." 

They stood in silence until Lexa turned to look at the arrows again. "Did Anya send you after me?" She asked softly. 

"No... I wanted to find you." 

Lexa hummed and picked out a set, looking to memorize the number so she could tell the man behind the counter. "You know... friends don't usually do that." She teased. 

"Yeah well.. we're anything but friends, Lex." Clarke responded, placing a hand on her hip. Lexa subconsciously leaned into it, another hum leaving her lips. "If anything, we're... more than friends, not quite lovers." 

"Why don't you tweet that? The shippers will go _nuts_." Lexa teased. 

Clarke let out a chuckle and followed as the brunette led them over to the counter. 

\----

Not too long after, when Lincoln took them to a diner not too far away from the mall, Clarke did exactly that. It would take a few days for her phone to be fixed and Clarke wasn't desperate to fix it, so she told Anya and Raven to not even worry about it when they called Lexa's phone. 

_" **SkyPrincessGriffin:** if anything, we're more than friends, but not quite lovers." _

And Lexa was more than right. The shippers went nuts; a lot of them assuming it was about Lexa but a select few thinking it was about someone else, those who didn't read into the looks that Lexa and Clarke gave each other. It gave the group a good chuckle, enjoying the time they had together. Despite Lexa not wanting to leave that day, she was really glad that she had. It helped her mentally prepare for what the next day held. 

Later that night, after everyone else had called it a night, Lexa laid awake in her bed thinking. She was thinking about everything; mostly about the hunt the next day. It had been a while since she last hunted, but she was excited. She was excited to see Aden make his first kill. Her own had gone pretty well-- her grandfather watched as she hit a buck in the heart with her crossbow. She remembered the way his eyes lit up with pride, the smile on his face as she let out a cheer of joy. Then he carried it home on his shoulder and it helped feed their family until Christmas. It was a great time. 

From her own hunt she thought of high school, and the relationship she had. She wasn't lying when she told Clarke that she hadn't been intimate with anyone in almost nine years. She was seventeen, a junior in high school and full of life and love. She and Costia were ready to take on the world together. They had slept together for the first time on their six month anniversary, and Lexa had every intention to tell her that she loved her but she never got the chance. Costia had died the next day by taking her own life and it sent Lexa into a downward spiral. She never really recovered. 

Then she thought about Clarke. The girl in her arms, with her head on her chest and an arm around her torso. The girl who had had her smitten for months now. The girl her grandfather would be proud of. Clarke reminded her so much of Costia; the way she smiled, the way she laughed. The way she was so concerned when Lexa wasn't feeling alright. It made her heart swell. She didn't want to miss the chance she has with Clarke the way she had missed it with Costia. 

She felt Clarke's gentle breathing on the open expanse of her chest, tickling it softly. It made Lexa wonder what it was that the girl could be dreaming about. She pushed a strand of hair behind the blondes ear and sighed contently, knowing what she wanted. She knew how she wanted to spend her days. She couldn't live in constant fear, but that still didn't stop her from being afraid. How was she supposed to do this?

Clarke let out a soft snore and shifted, burying her face in her neck. 

She could do this. She didn't know how, but slowly, she could do this. Her heart wanted it. _Heda_ wanted this. Soulmates _did_ exist. 

She was going to tell Clarke eventually. Once they figured things out, they could make it work. 

And despite it being only a few months since they knew each other, it didn't stop Lexa from kissing Clarke's forehead and whispering "I love you" to her before she fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not too sure how I feel about this chapter but I hope you all enjoyed. A lot of Lexa's anxiety issues are based on my own so I'm quite glad you guys are enjoying how I'm interpreting it. 
> 
>  
> 
> This isn't the last time we hear about Costia, so you've all been warned.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aden's firs trial. Short snippets of Clarke, Raven, Anya and Lincoln's trip to the National Mall. And finally, progression in Clexa's relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short bit of description of a wound here and there. Nothing too bad, at least I don't think. 
> 
> Also, since it's easier to address this here, I apologize for my wording in the notes in the last chapter; it's not the end of Costia. She will be mentioned in future chapters. And in reference to what I referred to as crossbow arrows; all knowledge of it I have is off my local hunting-store website. Not a hunter myself, apologies for the confusion.

Her breathing was heavy; the air around her cold and nipping through her layers. She could see her breath every time she exhaled. Leaves crunched under her feet despite her attempt to remain light-footed, causing her to mentally curse at herself. She felt heavy. Her crossbow clutched in her hands as she remained a few feet behind Aden; there to observe and help if he needed. This was his trial; he had to do it on his own. The only reason why she had her own bow was if he failed, but she believed in him. She believed he could do it. 

His small frame was hunched over, moving slowly and quietly through the thick Virginian woods. One hand clutched his bow, his grip tight yet loose, another delicately pinching an arrow between his index and middle finger keeping it at the ready. He was prepared, he could do this. 

They had been out there for a few hours now, way before the sun crept over the hill to greet them. Lexa had planned to wake him up and they'd have a quick breakfast before heading out, but when she had managed to untangle herself from Clarke's grasp and quietly pad her way to his room, he was already awake and almost completely ready. To say that he was excited for this day was an understatement. 

She could feel her heart beat against her chest; not out of fear but out of impatience. Usually by now she would see _some_ sort of movement but there wasn't anything in sight; creature or other humans. But she continued on, letting Aden lead the way for where they headed next. This was his journey. She _had_ to be patient. 

\----

Clarke woke up to the side of the bed that was once warm now colder than it had been. She let out a soft groan of protest and huffed, eventually stretching out her limbs and sighing in satisfaction when they cracked. She wanted nothing more than to curl back into the bed and take in Lexa's scent, breathing it in and letting it lull her back to sleep, but she had to get up. If she didn't, Raven would physically drag her out of bed and _that_ wasn't fun. She had learned from the all too many times that her friend had actually done it. 

Twenty minutes later when she pulled herself from the soft covers and sat up to pull on a pair of sweatpants, she noticed a piece of paper sitting on the nightstand that most _definitely_ wasn't there the night before. Curiously, she picked it up and opened it. 

_"Clarke,_

_Sorry you had to wake up alone. Trials wait for no one. I don't have my phone so texting isn't an option, but.. "_

The blonde was certain that there was a missing "I'll miss you", hiding underneath the obvious scribbles on the page. 

_"I hope you have fun with Raven and my family today. The capital is a great place to be and it's truly a nice trip. Take loads of pictures for me._

_Lexa"_

It wasn't the best worded thing, but Clarke smiled at it nonetheless and held it close to her before she slipped it into her pocket and headed downstairs. The fact that Lexa took the time to write it, took the time to greet Clarke when she woke up wasn't even there, made her whole body feel giddy and happy. 

Much like the day before she was met with her friends making breakfast, this time lacking Lexa. She walked over to them and helped a little bit, but after her third time dropping the mixing spoon Anya had pushed her away, telling her to make herself useful in some other sense while Raven laughed. So she pulled out her phone and vlogged. 

"So.. this one," she pointed the camera towards Anya, "insisted that I suck at helping and she's not letting me make breakfast with them." 

"That's because you kept dropping the spoon, Clarke." 

Clarke rolled her eyes and put the camera back on herself. "I like to believe I was a great helper. What do you think, Lincoln?" 

She pointed the camera towards the man, who's eyes widened at suddenly being put on the spot. 

"Ah.. you helped in your own way." 

"That's his way of saying that you suck." Anya commented, finishing up the batter. "He can't be mean." 

Rolling her eyes again the blonde hopped onto the counter and aimed the camera back at herself. "We're going to the Smithsonian today while Heda helps her cousin. Sucks that she can't join us, but well.. we all have things we gotta do." 

It was an unspoken rule that they didn't mention Lexa's actual name in vlogs. Clarke assumed it was a privacy thing; she respected it. Not everyone wanted to put their full identity out there. 

"I figured we could hit a few monuments and some of the smaller museums so we have time to do it all." Lincoln explained, putting away the ingredients. "Should be fun no matter what, though." 

"And don't worry, dear viewers, if I can't vlog it I will _definitely_ take pictures." 

Clarke ended her vlog as Anya began making the pancakes, and the rest of their morning was spent with dull excitement as they chatted about what they were going to see. Once breakfast was finished they got ready and were on the road within a half hour, ready to begin their day of exploration. 

\-----

Lexa had forgotten how _boring_ hunting tended to be. She had to be alert at all times, and by this point she wasn't entirely certain _how_ far they had made it into the woods. Her stomach growled lowly in protest of them not stopping, but they couldn't pause until nightfall. If Aden didn't make his kill by nightfall, they'd set up camp for the night, snack on chickpeas that Lexa had packed in a small satchel, and do one last perimeter check before settling in and waking up the next morning, going back to where they left off. 

She wished she was playing video games. 

It's not that she _hated_ hunting. It's more like she wished that it didn't involve so much waiting. It was like she was at Disneyland again, doing more waiting than was necessary to do what she had intended the entire time. Maybe she had become too accustom to life back in Minnesota, where the most waiting she had to do was the rendering and uploading for her video. Maybe she had become ungrateful for her culture. 

She did appreciate the time spent with Aden, though. 

He had been so _excited_ to go on this trip. He loved spending time with Lexa and since it was his trials it was clear he was ready to impress his _Heda_. Lexa didn't forget the stacks of journals he had kept where he had practiced writing out sentences in Trigedasleng, a language that was mostly spoken to begin with. He was being more careful than she, making sure that his feet weren't heavy above the leaves. Taking more precautions with everything. He was more of a hunter than she could possibly be. 

He really was the next _Heda_ , whether the spirit chose him or not. 

A pang of guilt twitched inside Lexa, something telling her that she hadn't been doing enough for her people. She had become afraid, lost in the world online where she could hide behind a screen name and ignore her duties as a leader. Sure, the tribe had become more modernized and didn't need her to lead them into battle but she should be the one back home. She should be the one taking charge, training the _Natblidas_ , making sure all was well. She was a _leader_ , but hell, she didn't feel like one. 

Lexa was left to her self-deprecating thoughts for the next few hours; their only sense of time being the sun moving slowly overhead. 

\----

Clarke's feet _hurt_. They had been walking for what felt like hours, looking at everything from modern art to the actual Ruby Slippers, and now they were finally taking a break to have a picnic-style dinner in the middle of the National Mall. Lincoln had brought a blanket from his car and they set up right in the middle of the field between the Washington Monument and the Capital building. They had managed to buy an onslaught of junk food and passed it off as dinner, but really what was to be expected from a group of childish adults? 

Clarke had been picking at her food, and it didn't go unnoticed from the rest of the gang. 

"Everything alright, Griff?" Raven asked, poking the girl in the knee. 

Clarke nodded, looking up from her food to see that they were all looking at her. "Yeah, why?"

"You're looking a little down." 

"She's missing Lexa, isn't it obvious?" Anya piqued, a smirk growing on her face. 

"Yeah, but it's not her fault Lex got dragged into helping Aden." 

Anya paused, staring at Raven. "You're kidding me, right?" 

"What?" 

"Aden is currently on his _Trial_. A very big, very significant journey for each and every _Natblida_ of age to go through in preparation for _Heda's_ spirit to _potentially_ chose them as the next. Lexa didn't get _dragged_ into anything. It is considered an _honor_ to hold the title of _Heda_." Anya ranted, her eyes narrowing. "It'd be like getting voted into office as president. Lexa doesn't take her title for granted. She _embraces_ it. She's as passionate about it as she is her job. I have seen that girl go through so much and not _once_ has she complained about being graced with the highest possible title in our culture." 

The group fell silent after that. The only sounds around them was faint voices from passerbys and birds chirping in the distance. Raven's gaze had fallen down to her lap; clearly realizing that she had misstepped with her words. Clarke just stared at Anya who seemed to be silently fuming at what Raven had said; she assumed that they would probably talk later that night. She wasn't upset that Lexa wasn't there; yeah it sucked but she knew Lexa had duties to attend. She just wished that Raven hadn't overstepped and potentially made the rest of this trip rocky. 

"So..." Lincoln started a few moments later, trying to break the tension. "Do you think the creators of the Washington Monument realized that they had essentially built a giant dick?" 

Anya snorted, and just like that the tension had eased, allowing them to continue their field day. 

\----

It was dark. That much was evident as Lexa was pulled from her sleep by the rustling of leaves around her. They had set up camp roughly a few hours ago, settling in for the night. She assumed that she couldn't have been asleep for long; the embers from their small fire still glowing with a dark orange. She blinked awake, glancing around her. Panic settled in when she realized that Aden wasn't where he had laid down. She could only imagine that the boy had tried to go out on his own. 

As quickly as her sleep-heavy body would let her she got up, grabbing her crossbow that sat by her feet and looking out into the darkened forest. Her eyes hadn't adjusted yet. All she was met with was shadows, and she couldn't make out anything. 

"Aden!" She whisper-yelled, hoping that her cousin was within distance. 

Sighing when she didn't get a response she started out into the woods, away from their camp, and keeping an ear out for any signs of movement. She had an arrow drawn and a finger on the trigger of her bow, ready to shoot at any deer that passed. She just hoped that if it came to it she would shoot a _deer_ and not her overly-adventurous cousin. 

Her feet felt heavy as she walked, her mind still cloudy with sleep. She was as alert as she could be in this sense, but it was like her senses were working against her as she walked. The air had grown significantly cooler, goosebumps raising under her skin-tight clothing. 

"Aden?"

Footsteps appeared what seemed to be all around her and her heartbeat quickened, causing her to go immediately into fight mode. She brought her crossbow up and shot in one direction, cursing when the arrow went into the darkness with no aim whatsoever and mentally berating herself for such foolishness. She was in the process of blindly setting up another arrow when a voice popped out of nowhere. 

"Lexa!" 

" _Jok!_ " she cursed loudly, her finger accidentally hitting the trigger. The arrow flew towards the ground, skidding against her thigh and burning her hand where it lay against the ropes. 

"Lexa, I did it!" 

She could hear Aden coming towards her as she fell to the ground in pain, hissing when her knees hit the dew-dampened leaves. The boy ran towards her, coming to a stop when he found her crouched form. 

"Lexa-- I shot a buck! I did it!" 

His excitement was evident and he reached into his pocket for a pack of matches-- he was a Boy Scout, always prepared-- and upon lighting it casting a glow around them did he see the damage he inadvertently caused. 

"Oh my god, Lex-- what happened? Are you okay?" 

Lexa nodded as she shifted onto her butt, pushing her legs out in front of her. 

"Yeah, I'm-- I'm okay. Nice job on the buck, bud." She managed to get out, gritting her teeth in pain. Her leg was bleeding and her jeans were cut; she had to do something and quick. "Can I see your knife?" 

Aden nodded, handing her his pocket knife and lighting another match to add light while pushing dry leaves together to make a small fire. 

Lexa used his knife to her advantage, taking deep breaths as she reached up with shaky hands to cut off her sleeve from her jacket. Her instincts were kicking in as she ripped it into strips, wrapping them around her wound tightly. It would work until morning; she'd have to bear through the pain until they could get back. No phones meant no way to call for help. 

"Can you carry your deer?" She asked Aden after a beat, looking over at the boy crouched around his small fire. 

"Kind of.. I'm going to need help getting it back to the car, though." He explained; despite the worried expression he held she could still see how proud he was of himself. 

"That's okay. We'll.. we'll camp out right here for the night-- it's not far, right? Your deer?" Aden shook his head. "Then that's what we'll do. We'll camp here, wait until daylight then make our way back." 

"Are you going to be okay? I.. I didn't mean to cause this.." 

"Hey, hey. Look at me." He looked up, meeting Lexa's eyes. "You didn't cause this. I wasn't alert enough; wasn't paying attention. This," she paused, motioning to her leg. "This wasn't your fault. This was me being foolish and taking a literal shot in the dark. This was my own mistake." _This was me panicking and not thinking; this was me being anything but_ Heda. She added as an afterthought, keeping her self-deprecating thoughts in her head. 

Aden nodded and moved closer to Lexa, curling up next to her. 

The rest of the night was long for Lexa, and by the time the sun rose to the sky the pain in her thigh was intense, but words could not describe how proud she was of her baby cousin. 

\---- 

Waking up in Lexa's bed alone, knowing that Lexa wasn't there, was something Clarke didn't particularly enjoy. She loved having the smell of a home cooked breakfast around, loved the home-y feeling that the Woods' family had, but it didn't reach the feeling that being around Lexa held. She missed her; missed the way that the brunette was so careful and interested in everything she did. She missed Lexa's nervous antics; the way she'd fiddle with her fingers or her class ring when she got nervous. She missed her laugh; the way that her eyes lit up when some sort of game was mentioned in any type of conversation. 

She was really falling for the girl. 

So imagine the sense of panic she felt an hour later, when she was helping Indra start preparing the sides for Thanksgiving dinner, when Aden walked in with Lexa hobbling in beside him, using him as a crutch while her thigh was soaked in blood-stained clothing. 

"Jesus Christ-- what the hell happened?" Clarke exclaimed, rushing over to the pair and helping Lexa into the living room. "Anya!" 

The older blonde was heard running down the stairs at Clarke's worried call, followed by Raven behind her. "What the _fuck_?!"

Anya's outburst of profanity was ignored as Indra immediately went for the first aid kit, bringing it to the congregation in the living room. 

Clarke had Lexa on the couch with her bad leg outstretched on the side of her, thankful when Indra gave her the kit that included gloves. She was _also_ thankful for being a med student. 

The brunette winced in pain as Clarke slowly began untying and unwrapping Lexa's wound, biting on her knuckle to keep from sobbing. It had dried, the cloth attaching itself to the wound and Clarke removing the cloth was re-opening it. Clarke sighed as she looked at it, shaking her head as she disposed of the bloody cloth. 

"Lex.. what even.. how?" She asked, grabbing a few disinfectant wipes. 

"Ah.. I was half asleep.. woke up, Aden wasn't there.. _shit_ that burns.." 

Clarke ignored the pang in her chest that came from hearing Lexa in pain. 

"He ah.. had gone off at night and I was looking for him, shot an arrow at a _stupid_ sound.. tried to re-load and ah.. _fuck_... he startled me. He shot a buck though." 

Lexa looked at Aden with a smile as Clarke started to re-dress her wound; the former not able to look at the damage that was really done. 

"This should be good for now, but.. you should probably go to the ER, Lex. You're going to need stitches." Clarke explained, reaching for the brunettes hand. 

"Can Lincoln move Aden's kill to the garage first..? I want it to be prepared for dinner.." 

Clarke rolled her eyes and looked to Lincoln, who nodded with concerned eyes and made his way towards the door, calling for Nyko and Gustus to help set up in the garage. 

"Go help the guys, Aden. I'll be okay." 

"Are you sure?" 

Lexa nodded. "Go." 

The blonde boy ran off and Lexa was left with the concerned eyes of the girls of the family. 

"Well, Lex, you're definitely an idiot." Anya breathed, shaking her head. "I'll get you a change of clothes and we'll go." 

"Actually Anya.. could I take her?" Clarke asked, looking at the blonde with pleading eyes. 

Anya sighed, then nodded, still going to get her sister a change of clothes. 

"Dinner will be ready by the time you two come back." Indra commented, making sure that Lexa was okay before heading back to the kitchen. 

Raven crossed her arms, a smirk forming on her face. "Well Griff, looks like someone else has taken your place as the klutz queen." She joked, earning a scoff from Lexa. "Glad you're not dead, Griff." 

She left the room, leaving Clarke and Lexa to make their way (meaning, Clarke halfway carrying the other) to the car, where Clarke drove them to the nearest hospital. 

"Was it.. scary?" Clarke asked once they had been on the road for a short amount of time. 

"Was what scary?"

"Accidentally shooting yourself..." 

Lexa hummed. "Not really. Painful? Yes. Scary.. no. When... Back in the old days, when the tribe was close knit and _Heda_ led them into battle.. we had to know that _Heda_ could die at any moment. We had to be prepared for the inevitable. While this situation was obviously different.. I was calm. I knew I wasn't okay, but.. what mattered was that Aden passed his first trial. That he was moving forward in what is more than likely his destiny. That's all that mattered." She explained, reaching over and taking Clarke's hand in her own. 

"Yeah but Lex, this isn't an old story..." 

"No. But the point still stands. Anything can happen at any time." 

"When you came in, looking like you did.. God Lex, _I_ was afraid." 

"Clarke it was an arrow wound. Not a bullet to the stomach. Plus.. you helped. Sure Lincoln could've, but.. I'm glad that you did. You... kept me calm." 

Clarke smiled softly and squeezed her hand. The car fell silent as they pulled into the hospital. 

"I'm glad you're here with me this weekend, Clarke. And.." Lexa trailed off, biting her lip. 

"And?" 

"And.. I've been thinking.. I don't want to wait." 

"What do you mean?"

"I want you to be my girlfriend, Clarke. If you'll have me. It'll be on the down low, I don't really want to make our relationship public yet-- obviously you can tell Octavia, and Bellamy and Raven and my family, but to our fans, I'd like to keep it just between us because I know how relationships online can be and--" 

She was cut off with Clarke leaning over the counsel, gently taking Lexa's chin in her hand, turning her head and kissing her. 

"Lexa, I would be honored to be your girlfriend." 

Lexa smiled and, hours later, after her leg was stitched up, they spent their first thanksgiving together with Lexa's family, hoping that it'll last for many holidays to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed! Next up is the girls' last day together then it's back to long distance for a short bit.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa's final day. Few short time jumps; Clarke does a collab. New character comes in and knows Raven. Lexa has a nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tried a different approach with writing this time around and I really like how it turned out. Spoilers for the sake of a trigger warning, but this chapter touches on (very brief) self harm and almost-descriptive suicide. If the latter will effect you in any way, I highly encourage you to skip over the italicized bit at the end of the chapter. You'll know it when you come to it.

Clarke couldn’t get the image out of her head the rest of the night. Lexa coming in, her leg soaked in blood; it didn’t look like blood. It looked like she had wiped oil over her skin with how black it had been. She thought about what she knew; _Natblidas_ were _Heda_ heirs. _Nightbloods_. She didn’t think that it actually meant _dark blood_ , that what Lexa had told her was _literal_. She was intrigued, even more intrigued than she was about the language Lexa and Anya spoke. 

Their hospital trip wasn’t what Clarke had anticipated; Lexa had taken control once in the hospital and asked for a specific doctor. It wasn’t like any other ER experience she had. Later on when she asked, Lexa had explained to her that her doctor was one who wouldn’t freak out due to the color of her blood; someone who was a member of the _Trikru_ tribe himself. It still unsettled Clarke, however. 

The mere thought of what Lexa had told her in the car was keeping her awake that night, with Lexa’s arm wrapped around her being her only anchor to reality. The fact that Lexa was so nonchalant about her own death-- _how_ did that not faze her? She understood culture, and religion, and the theory that an all-mighty being was reincarnated in persons past. But hearing it made it real. Lexa wasn't afraid of dying. But Clarke was afraid of her dying. 

Could anyone blame her? 

Lexa shifted, a small snore coming from her lips. 

A smile formed on Clarke's. 

She could feel Lexa's breath on her collarbone; soft puffs of warm air hitting the same spot repeatedly that had she been in any other situation it would have made her uncomfortable. Her hand fell to dark locks, twisting gentle shapes into the soft hair and feeling it between her fingers. This was _real_. This wasn't something she read about in books (well she _had_ , but she never thought it would become a reality for her). She had been lost in her own world since she left Georgia and Lexa-- Lexa had quickly become a reason for Clarke to stay on the ground. When she once got lost in the sky; stars and constellations and clouds taking over a majority of her thoughts; now she got lost in eyes that were greener than the fresh grass in the spring. Tanned skin that Clarke could only assume was hereditary because she knew the girl in her arms didn't enjoy leaving the house. Deep down the sky girl still lingered, ready to daydream again but as she settled down, pushing all thoughts of Lexa dying to the back of her mind, she was happy she found her anchor. 

Reality was scary. But the girl on the ground made her feel ready to embrace it. 

\----

The first thing she noticed was the lingering raspberry scent that she grew to enjoy due to the sweaters Clarke had sent her a while ago. They had long lost their scent, but Lexa was hoping to convince the blonde to allow her to have another (she'd even be willing to swap out an article of her own clothing if the blonde was willing). She could hear Clarke's breathing; deep, silent inhales and quiet exhales that matched with the rise and fall of her chest, her head going with it. The morning sun peaked behind her closed curtain, sending streaks of glowing light across her room but avoiding the bed, allowing the blonde to continue sleeping. Lexa's arm lay across Clarke's stomach, holding her close as if she wanted to let go. She hadn't opened her eyes yet; too afraid that by doing so she'd open herself up to the inevitable. 

They were leaving today. 

Today, Lincoln would drive them to the airport where they would get on separate flights; Lexa and Anya to Minnesota and Raven and Clarke to California. Lexa wasn't ready to say goodbye. Not yet, at least. Or ever. But Clarke had school and Lexa had things she had to do. 

She was grateful for her time off. Her fans were understanding and more than willing to wait for her return; some more patient than others. She wanted to go back, to make videos in the comfort of her own home and do what she loved. But she knew that leaving Clarke would be painful. 

She had to open her eyes when a soft knocking appeared from the door and it opened, casting more unwanted light into the room. 

_"taim gon stomba raun, yumi souda hon in ogud gon banop deyon."_ Anya whispered, getting the attention of the brunette. 

She didn't want to get up. It was as if every part of her was made of stone; set in place (at least that's what it felt like when she was so comfortable curled up next to Clarke). _"ai teik in rid op. ai nou gaf in gon banop em nou."_ she replied, burying her face into the blondes neck. 

_leksa beja. em na jos kom au mou tofon."_ Anya's voice was pleading softly, like she knew something Lexa didn't. 

(Lexa knew what it was. Anya was afraid that if Lexa stayed any longer with Clarke, that leaving her will break her.) 

(Lexa hoped that it wouldn't.) 

_"nou tel op ai gon hos rain taim ai get in yu nou gaf in gon banop reivon."_ Came her response, almost in a snippy tone. She didn't mean to, but she didn't want Anya trying to dictate what she did when she _knew_ that Anya was in a similar boat. They hid it well, but Lexa picked up on the small things. Raven and Anya were falling as fast as she was. 

With a huff Anya mumbled "fine" and left the room, shutting the door a little too hard. Lexa knew it was because she had brought up her sisters feelings. They never really talked about Anya much. Ever since Costia died, Anya took over parental role towards Lexa. Even though they had their cousins and family, Lexa was in need of someone consistent and close, and Anya filled that void. But now whenever things get real in Anya's life, she dismisses it like a parent and deals with it on her own. It drove Lexa insane. 

The door shutting had caused Clarke to shift under her, causing the brunette to trace shapes on her side. It wasn't how she envisioned waking Clarke up that morning, but as much as she hated to admit it, Lexa was right. She had to get up; had to pack. But she wanted to enjoy this for just a little while longer. She didn't know when she was going to be able to see Clarke again-- they hadn't talked about future plans. For most of the week they had just lived in the moment. They didn't want to talk about the inevitable. 

Gentle hands moved against Lexa's head, playing with her hair despite depths of blue not yet meeting the morning light. Clarke sighed, causing Lexa to look up at her. "For being a group of supposed hunters, you sure are loud." She mumbled, slowly blinking her eyes awake. 

Lexa smiled at her, leaning into Clarke's touch. It was soothing. 

(She tried not to think about the fact that she won't get to feel it again for a while.)

"Anya's just reminding me that I still have to pack." 

"Ugh. I have to do that too." 

Lexa swallowed. Silence fell between them. 

"I don't want to leave." Lexa's voice was soft. A whisper to keep from showing how broken it may have been. 

Clarke didn't answer. Instead she held Lexa closer, allowing the girl to bury her face in a porcelain neck, silence falling over them again. They didn't talk, only spent what felt a lot less longer than it actually was taking each other in, mapping each other's bodies out in case they forget. Hours felt like minutes and it wasn't until they were being dragged to the airport that it was really becoming real. They were leaving. 

Lincoln drove them, allowing him to be the last bit of family that the sisters said goodbye to. The ride to the airport was silent, with Clarke and Lexa huddled in the backseat, holding onto each other and Anya holding Raven's hand from the front seat despite the latter sitting in the back. Nobody mentioned it. Nobody had to, they all knew. 

Clarke and Raven's flight was first. They walked to their gate, only pausing to say their goodbyes. Raven and Anya's were quick, a hug and a peck on the cheek. They knew that those two in particular weren't ones for public displays of affection. 

Clarke and Lexa, however, did their best to have a private moment despite being completely in public. They knew that fans could see them at any moment, even with Raven and Anya on the lookout. They shared quick, soft kisses with teary eyes and broken voices saying that they'd miss each other. It wasn't until Lexa pulled out her high school track hoodie and handed it to Clarke that the blonde realized how much she was really going to miss Lexa. 

"In exchange.. I kinda stole another one of yours." Lexa replied sheepishly, earning a wide, bittersweet grin from Clarke and soft chuckles from the other two. 

Saying goodbye was hard. 

But watching them actually walk away?

That was the hardest. 

\-----

Anya fell asleep almost immediately into the flight. 

Lexa stayed awake; blue skies reminding her of the eyes she was already missing. 

\-----

Clarke fell asleep on Raven's shoulder, falling into dreams of of the warrior that she got to call hers. 

Raven ended off Clarke's vlog for her. 

\----

Weeks passed by and Clarke had fallen into a routine. She'd film on Monday's, post on Wednesday's and Friday's, and work on the weekend while she juggled school as well. It was hectic and always taking a toll on her, but she wouldn't want it any other way. Hectic kept her busy. Her viewers loved the videos she put out, she loved making them. And it wasn't like it was affecting her schoolwork; she was still somehow able to stay in the top of her class. But she couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing (and she knew exactly what). 

Lexa's sweatshirt stopped smelling like her fourteen days after she arrived back in California. She wore it nightly; it helped her sleep. Even after it stopped smelling like her Clarke still wore it, as if it were a security blanket. As if she wasn't able to sleep without it. 

(Maybe she couldn't).

(She wasn't about to try.) 

It was nice to be home. To be around Octavia and Bellamy, to go to parties they held and to be surrounded by everything California had to offer. If there was one thing she didn't miss about the east coast, it was the weather. California was always sunny and that's what she loved about it. 

(It didn't stop her from imagining taking Lexa to all of her favorite spots in the state and how they would make for cute dates.)

 

Because of their busy schedules, Lexa and Clarke weren't able to talk that often. When Clarke was free Lexa was filming, or doing things where she wasn't able to talk, and when Lexa was free Clarke was either working or at class. It was taking a toll on Clarke, only being able to talk to the brunette in brief intervals, but she knew that was a struggle that came with long distance relationships. They wouldn't have a lot of time because time was actually fighting against them. 

Time zones were a bitch. 

She coped with the lack of conversation as well as she could. When she wasn't with friends she was drowning herself in her work, _hoping_ that it would help fill that wanting void inside her. Songs were flowing out of her like they were nothing and her videos had become a better quality, but even her fans were noticing that there was something off about her. Some commented on the way her eyes weren't lighting up like they used to. Some said that she seemed off completely; mannerisms and all. She ignored those; thinking if she forgot that people could tell that it wouldn't really matter. 

She had started coming in contact with more creators online and had even scheduled some collabs to gain traffic to their channels. Some were strictly professional, set up by the other creators managers but some were because Clarke had become friends with them. 

Raven had gone out for the day, leaving Clarke at home to set up for one of said collabs. He was a fellow vlogger, one who made similar content to her own and they both felt like their followers would enjoy the content they made together. She had just finished setting up her camera when there was a knock on the door. 

Before she answered it, she checked her phone. The last text she had from Lexa was from that morning. 

' _ **Lexa:** can't talk now. Will call you later xx_ '

Sighing, she put on a fake smile and answered the door, hoping her guest wouldn't notice how distracted she had been. 

"Finn, hey. Come inside." She greeted, letting him in. 

"Hey, Clarke. How've you been?" 

They had been really talking since a little after Clarke returned home. She had sent him an email before she left, but she didn't see his reply until she was back in California because her time was focused on Lexa. 

"I've been good; finally fully back on west coast time." She joked, stepping into the kitchen. "Want a drink?" 

"Waters fine." 

They sat and talked for a bit, easing into the videos. She told him about her trip (minus the relationship that was built-- she knew it wasn't just hers to tell) and he told her about what he had been up to in the past few weeks. It was mostly small talk between new friends, and soon enough they had moved onto the videos. 

As per Finn's request for his video they were doing a song-- "An Awkward Duet" originally sang by Dodie Clark and Jon Cozart. Their voices went well together and they even had to do a few takes because they kept laughing. It was supposed to be a lightweight song but neither of them could take it seriously. By the time they had finished they had laughed so much that Clarke's stomach hurt. 

They took a break in between Finn's video and Clarke's, where they'd be doing the "Say Anything" Challenge. It'd be fun, and would hopefully provide a true distraction from her heart that missed the girl in Minnesota. 

Raven chose that time to come home. 

"Alright, I've got pizza, beer and that new _Ghostbusters_ movie-- I say we call over the Blakes and have a-- Finn?" 

The room fell silent for a moment as Clarke looked between her new friend and Raven. 

"You two know each other?" 

"Yeah, we.. dated. Like.. last year. Remember that guy I was seeing? Ended because I just wasn't into it?" Raven stated, setting the pizza down on the coffee table. Her attention turned to the man next to Clarke. "Uh.. long time no see?" 

Finn smiled. "Raven. Nice to see you again." 

"Yeah, you two, uh.. sorry, this is just.. odd. Wasn't expecting you to be the person Clarke was collabing with." 

Clarke had seen his videos, but didn't think that he would know her best friend. She assumed that he had watched hers as well and obviously could connect dots. He wasn't surprised that Raven was there. 

"Yeah, I.. should have told you. It slipped my mind" Finn commented. 

Clarke was feeling uncomfortable. There was a tension in the air that she couldn't quite place. 

"Are you two on good terms or do I have to call Octavia over here to be a mediator?" 

Raven chuckled and sat down. "No.. no we're okay. As long as Finn doesn't decide to try and do pick up lines.." she trailed off, giving Clarke a look. Clarke knew there was something she was purposely not saying; if Finn flirted and Anya found out, Anya would have his ass on a platter. "We should be okay." 

"Don't worry about that, I actually have a girlfriend. She wouldn't be too happy if she knew I was flirting with past.. lovers? Girlfriends?" He asked, amusement filling his voice. 

"Something like that." 

Clarke smiled. Raven ended up joining in on their collab, and afterwards Finn joined the gang for their movie night. It was filled with laughs and witty comments and not once did Clarke let her feelings of missing Lexa get in her way. She passed out on the couch next to Octavia, with Raven half on her lap and Bellamy being the one turning off that tv and saying goodbye to Finn before he left. 

Lexa didn't call that night. 

\----

It was a few days later that Lexa saw the videos on both Finn and Clarke's channel. She had started on Clarke's but upon seeing the way they were acting, she felt obligated to watch Finn's as well (but also she really wanted to hear Clarke sing again). She loved the cover, but upon reading the comments her heart felt heavy. Viewers (she assumed Finn's regulars) were encouraging the duo to continue to collab, some even going as far as shipping them. As she rewatched the video she saw the looks they gave each other; amusement and adoration. It didn't settle well with her. 

She thought about texting Clarke, asking her about them, but then she thought that maybe she was being paranoid. Maybe she was reading too much into it. Maybe her insecurities were getting the best of her. 

She didn't realize how hard she was scratching at the back of her arm until the white lines turned pink, then she stopped to breathe. 

Eight counts inhale, twelve counts exhale. She needed to stay calm. 

She was being irrational. 

(But was she?)

Clarke didn't like Finn. 

(But did she?) 

Clarke was with _her_.

(But so was Costia. Until she wasn't.) 

Lexa pushed away from her desk, pacing (limping as she did so) the living room. She tried calling Clarke, but the blonde didn't answer. 

(Was she with Finn? No-- she couldn't be. She wasn't. She was at school.) 

She checked her calendar. 

(Clarke didn't have class on Friday's.) 

She was overreacting. 

(Clarke was probably at work.)

She sat on the couch. The material felt foreign against her hands; everything felt farther away. 

(She needed to breathe.) 

(Why was she getting so worked up about this?) 

Clarke was faithful. Clarke wouldn't cheat on her. She was okay. _They_ were okay. 

She repeated it over and over again. 

Anya found her passed out on the couch hours later when she returned home from work. Being mindful of her leg she lifted her up and carried her to bed, unknowing that Lexa had been panicking. 

Lexa's nightmares returned that night. 

_She was running. Running fast enough and long enough to where her lungs burned and ached for air that she tried to give them. She couldn't breathe; she was in a panic but she didn't stop running. If she stopped, she would be too late. If she stopped it would show that she didn't care. If she stopped.. she would lose her._

_It was late. The sky was angry; flashing lightning signaling an impending storm. She couldn't see due to tunnel vision._

_She knew this day far too well. Lexa was at dinner in the capital with Lincoln and Anya; she had gotten a call from her-- she was crying. Saying that it had gotten too hard. She couldn't do it anymore. And Lexa ran. Lexa ran to her as fast as she could. Lexa knew where she was. And she drove until she couldn't, but from there she ran._

_Lexa found her on the Arlington Memorial Bridge. She was looking at the river below. Lexa's heart sank._

_"Costia!" She called; getting the girls attention. She walked closer._

_Thunder cracked above them. Rain began to fall, soaking Lexa to the bone. She didn't feel the coldness it brought; already numb from adrenaline._

_"Costia!"_

_A few steps closer._

_Costia climbed the railing, settling on the other side. She held on, looking back at Lexa._

_"Costia please-- come back over here." The brunette pleaded, moving closer. She didn't run; not this time. She didn't want to scare the girl._

_(She should've ran.)_

_"Please."_

_"Lexa-- don't come any closer. I can't do this anymore."_

_"I can help you-- we can get you help. I can make you feel better-- please. Please, don't do this."_

_(Her heart was breaking.)_

_"I can't. I'm sorry."_

_"Costia--!"_

_Everything was in slow motion. Costia let go of the rail and Lexa ran to the ledge, desperately hoping that she'd make it in time. This time it was different than her usual dreams. This time, as she reached over the edge she didn't see Costia falling to the water below._

_No, this time the person she saw was Clarke._

She woke with a start, a cold sweat forming on her forehead and mixing with tears she didn't realize she had been releasing. The nightmares hadn't happened in a while, so when they came back full force it almost sent her into another panic attack. 

Her breathing was quick. 

Eight.

Twelve. 

Breathing was helping. 

She checked her phone; the light burning her eyes until they adjusted. Four AM. The usual time she woke up when her nightmares happened. It was almost on a schedule. 

(She realized how sad it was that even her nightmares were on schedule.) 

There was a few missed calls from Clarke, probably trying to return the ones that Lexa had left. Her hands shook as she hit the call back button and settled back into bed. 

(She liked it more when Clarke was with her.) 

(Clarke's sweatshirt stopped smelling like her twenty one days ago.) 

_"Hello?"_

A sob wracked from her lips. 

_"Lexa?"_

"Clarke..."

_"Baby what's wrong? Why are you crying?"_

A sad smile formed on her lips. She still wasn't used to the pet names. 

"Please don't leave me." 

Clarke helped her fall back asleep that night, and when she woke up the next day the call was still going, with soft breathing coming from the other side. Lexa didn't tell Clarke about her nightmare, but she hoped that in the future her mind wouldn't betray her like that ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoyed the chapter!
> 
> Trigedasleng translations: 
> 
> taim gon stomba raun, yumi souda hon in ogud gon banop deyon. - "Time to wake up, we must prepare to leave today." 
> 
> ai teik in rid op. ai nou gaf in gon banop em nou. - "let me sleep. I don't want to leave her yet." 
> 
> leksa beja. em na jos kom au mou tofon. - "Lexa please. It'll only be harder." 
> 
> nou tel op ai gon hos rain taim ai get in yu nou gaf in gon banop reivon. - "don't tell me to hurry when I know you don't want to leave Raven." 
> 
> All translations were done by hand; if any are incorrect I apologize but I'm still getting the hang of translating sentences on my own.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa talk about Lexa's breakdown. Clarke comes up with a plan with Anya and the girls are reunited again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a filler chapter; I struggled really hard with this one. Hope you enjoy it nonetheless.

The days following that night seemed to blur for Lexa. Seconds turned to minutes, minutes to hours. She really only left her room to upload or to eat. Anya was starting to worry. The last time she had seen Lexa like this was after Costia’s funeral. The days in between her death and the funeral Lexa had been a broken shell, with green eyes faded to almost grey and a stance that showed how lifeless she felt. She tried getting the girl to talk to her, but Lexa wasn’t budging. It was like she had fallen back down a dark hole and no matter what she did, she couldn’t pull Lexa out of it.

“I just don’t know what to do anymore, Rae.”

Lexa could hear her sister talking on the phone outside her room. It wasn’t her intention to worry Anya, she just didn’t feel like talking. Even if she was wrong about her assumptions with Clarke and Finn it didn’t stop the fact that it shook her to her core. That anything could happen with Clarke in California and Lexa in Minnesota.  
She didn’t anticipate long distance to be this hard.

“If she doesn’t listen to me, what makes you think she’ll listen to you?”

She heard Anya huff and a few moments later the sound of a phone sliding under her bedroom door was heard. Static filled the room like the phone on the other side was being handed over.

_“Lex?”_ came Clarke’s voice, filling the room from the speaker.

_“I know you’re there, Lex. Come on, talk to me, please?”_

She wanted to. But she would be considered ridiculous if she told Clarke about her fears. About her paranoia. Clarke would think she was crazy for thinking that way. But Lexa couldn’t help it.

The phone went silent for a moment. Lexa sat on her bed, staring at the object. She had to talk to Clarke.

(She tried to ignore what her paranoid mind was telling her.)

(She tried to ignore the underlying possibility that this may be too hard for them.)

She walked to the door and picked up the phone; knowing that Clarke could tell she was there now.

_“Lexa?”_

“I’m sorry.”

She could hear Clarke let out a sigh of relief. _“What do you have to be sorry for?”_

Lexa paused, thinking. “For.. ignoring Anya. For being… jealous.”

Silence filled the air and Lexa could feel Clarke thinking. They hadn’t really talked since Lexa had called her in the middle of the night during an episode, and she never told Clarke about why she was having said episode. She hadn’t really talked to begin with. She let her thoughts consume her and no matter how hard she tried to ignore the fact that people were seeing Finn and Clarke as a couple, her mind was always there, telling her that that was happening. That people wanted them to get together. 

(She hated thinking about it.) 

_“Lex.. What is this about?”_

A sigh left her lips and she squeezed her eyes shut, knowing that if she brought it to surface that Clarke would call her ridiculous. That she was being stupid for thinking that Clarke didn’t want to be with her. But she couldn’t help it; her mind told her things and sometimes she felt like she had no choice but to believe them. “I.. saw the videos with Finn.” 

_“And? Is that really what this is about, Lex? I don’t like him in that way, you’ve got to know that.”_

“I know, but.. everyone is saying that–”

_“Lexa, you_ know _that what they say don’t matter. They ship everyone. Hell, the amount of people that want me to get with Raven is countless, but you’re not jealous of her, are you?”_

“No…”

_“Because she’s my best friend. But Finn is also just my friend, okay? You don’t have to worry about him. I think you and him might get along quite well, actually.”_

Lexa was silent. 

Clarke sighed and there was a small batch of static; she had moved the phone. 

_“Lexa, babe… I’m yours. Only yours. And I’m not going anywhere.”_

The brunette nodded, then realized that Clarke couldn’t see her and quickly muttered a soft “okay”. 

They talked for a while longer, with Lexa slowly becoming more comfortable with the idea that Clarke only saw Finn as a friend. Clarke caught her up with what was happening with school and Lexa told her about what was happening in her shows, because that was really the most productive that Lexa had been in a while. 

Meanwhile Anya stood on the other side of Lexa’s door, one ear pressed against it to listen in on the conversation. She wanted to make sure Lexa was okay, but after hearing her sister laugh, knowing that she was _smiling,_ she couldn’t help but want to hear the reason behind it. Clarke made Lexa happy, and in turn made Anya happy as well. 

——

Even while Clarke’s classes picked up, they made sure to call and talk to each other at least twice a week, even if it was to fall asleep with each other. It reassured Lexa, and it gave Clarke a reason to go to bed on time. 

——

Lexa began to put more effort into her videos because she realized that Clarke watched them all more than once, and she wanted to have her girlfriend see her best possible work. Her subscriber count had jumped by thousands by December 12th. 

——

Lexa wanted to visit Clarke for Christmas, but Anya told her that they couldn’t because Clarke was spending that holiday with family. When Lexa asked why Clarke didn’t tell her herself, Anya told her that the blonde had forgotten.   
Lexa tried not to let that small sentence get to her. 

——

In truth, Clarke _did_ spend Christmas with her parents, but her parents had allowed her to bring Lexa along if she wanted. Clarke, knowing how Lexa could be around new people, decided that it wasn’t a good time to have Lexa be introduced to her parents– but she _did_ have something else planned for the holiday season. 

(As well as the fact that Anya mentioned Lexa’s birthday falling on the first of January.) 

So she got to planning. And talking to Anya, behind Lexa’s back. She didn’t feel entirely comfortable about it, but Anya told Clarke that Lexa never really had any friends. She never celebrated her birthday because as a kid, she was always an outcast. Her birthdays were spent with her family, where she’d throw snowballs at Lincoln and have a homemade cake thanks to Indra until she became _Heda_. After the title graced her presence Lexa avoided her birthday altogether, not wanting to be reminded that she was getting one year older. Anya was determined to change that, and Clarke offered to help. 

It wasn’t easy; Lexa seemed to always be around Anya when they were at home and the only time that Anya was really able to talk to Clarke alone was when Lexa was alseep or Anya was on break at work. They somehow managed to do it with Lexa not knowing a thing (which surprised Anya to no level, but she blamed it on the fact that the girl had been burying herself in work).

Lexa was leaving for a business trip to Canada for a few days. She wouldn’t be back until the 29th of December. 

Clarke, who had been on break since Christmas, would fly up to Minnesota on the morning of the 28th. Raven would come with her, and Octavia and Bellamy would fly in on the 30th. The blonde had to triple check that Lexa would be okay with them coming, but Anya reassured her that everything would be okay. While Lexa wasn’t particularly keen on surprises, Anya had a feeling tht this would be an exception. Ever since the girls talked Lexa seemed to be doing better on the jealousy front, but Anya knew that underneath it all Lexa was afraid. It was how her sister always was; she needed to be reassured consistently. Always afraid, always unsure. 

(It was something she kept well hidden from the rest of _Trikru_ because she knew if they found out, the whole clan would be in riot and fear.) 

The 28th fell on a Wednesday that year, leaving Clarke to enter the apartment with Anya’s spare key that the older blonde purposely left under the mat for one time only. Anya was at work when Clarke stepped over the threshold into what she came to know as Lexa’s serenity. Or the outer layer of it, at least. Her bag set upon the couch she had seen briefly during their Skype sessions; the couch Lexa would lounge upon when videos were exporting or she was having a movie night with her sister. The coffee table her laptop would sit upon while the girls had their “dinner dates”. They were few and far between but cherished all the same. A note sat upon it and Clarke picked it up, noting that it was to her from Anya. 

_“Clarke and Raven,_

_Food is in the fridge and pantry; help yourself but I'm bringing home dinner. Be there about seven._

_Anya”_

She checked the time on her phone; it was only a little past three. They had a few hours. As she took in the rest of the room she could hear Raven coming up the stairs, struggling with the suitcase she without-a-doubt overpacked. A chuckle left her lips when she heard her best friend slump against the front door, pausing a moment before pushing it open with a single hand and dragging her suitcase in. 

“You know, it’d be a lot easier to bring that upstairs if you packed a little lighter.” Clarke teased, making her way into the kitchen. She wasn’t hungry; she and Raven had stopped for lunch before they left; but she wanted something to drink. At least to get a better feel for the place where her girlfriend spent hours upon hours. 

“Shut up. Not everyone can look like a goddess in anything they wear. I have to have options.” 

Raven scoffed, pushing her bag against the couch and plopping down, her feet kicking up to rest on the coffee table. 

“Yeah, whatever. Hey– will you get my laptop out and start uploading that video?” She called from the kitchen, looking in the fridge and pulling out a water bottle for herself and Raven. “I was supposed to upload it before we left but the airport wifi sucked.” 

“On it.” Was the reply she got as she walked back into the living room, taking a seat in the chair next to the couch. She watched as Raven pulled out her laptop and set everything up, but once it was done she leaned back with the remote in her hand, turning on the tv. Clarke gave her a look and Raven shrugged. “Ahn sent me a text this morning– ‘mi casa es tu casa’ or whatever. We’ve got time before she comes home and it’s not like we know our way around this town; gotta pass the time somehow.” 

Clarke couldn’t argue with that.   
(Even if she could– she wouldn’t. Arguing with Raven was like asking for a punch in the face.) 

“Could we watch some of Lexa’s videos..?” The blonde asked, her voice trailing off at the end. It wasn’t that she was _obsessed_ (despite what her friends may say), she just enjoyed watching the videos that Lexa put up on her channel. The commentary that the girl did was something that helped her fall asleep on the nights when she couldn’t fall asleep to Lexa on the phone. Lexa’s voice made her feel safe. 

“Clarke, you’re seeing her tomorrow.” 

“I know..” 

Raven looked up to see blue eyes looking at her with such intenisity; as if Raven saying anything other than “okay” Clarke was going to start crying. It was a look she had perfected a long time ago back when Raven started hanging out more with the Griffin’s. Her father fell for that look, and over time Raven fell guilty to allowing the blonde to get what she wanted when she used that look. 

(It should be trademarked by this point.) 

“Alright _fine_. Hook up your phone and pick a video.”   
Raven gave in, rolling her eyes as the blonde did a small dance of joy.   
She picked an older video; one that was a few years old and it was evident by how different the audio quality was. The title screen to _Slender_ appeared on the screen followed by Lexa’s introduction snippet; Clarke had to bite back the squeal at how _cute_ Lexa sounded. The blonde could tell that Lexa was purposely trying to keep her voice down, probably to keep from alerting Anya who could be heard moving around in the background. It was almost like a whisper until the game started to get more intense, and Lexa’s voice grew from uneasiness and fear. Clarke was enamored. 

She ended up binging a lot of Lexa’s old videos, noticing how over time her girlfriend grew more confident with her videos and how they grew in quality and quantity as time went on. Each video seemed to reveal a little more of Lexa’s personality, but the one thing she never really saw in the videos was Lexa’s anxiety. She was calm, collected and unless she was _really_ good at editing, there wasn’t a wavered word to be heard unless the video was inflicting a strong amount of fear in the girl. 

By the time Anya walked through the door with pizza in hand, Raven had moved to the floor to be closer to her phone charger (she was scrolling through tumblr and not really paying attention to the television) and Clarke had gone _deep_ in Lexa’s archives, bordering on the first few videos the girl had even posted. 

“When I told you guys to make yourselves at home, I didn’t mean to indulge in my sister’s video history.” Anya teased, getting the attention of the duo. Clarke paused the video with a blush of her cheeks, turning towards the girl with a bashful smile. 

"I got bored..."

"Is she always like this?" 

Raven gave a hum in confirmation as she stood from the floor, stretching out her legs and walking over to help Anya. Clarke noticed the domesticated feel; how she felt foreign in a place where she was welcomed as she watched them interact. It was like she was invading in a moment as the two of them joked together, bumping hips and putting pizza on plates. Part of her wondered if she and Lexa would be like that. 

(She _hoped_ she and Lexa would be like that.)

Against Clarke's pleading they ate their dinner with a movie playing instead of Lexa's videos (Anya had told her that she'd "seen all of them a million times" and "even had to help edit half of them" so she didn't want to watch them _again_ ). That outsider feel returned to Clarke as she watched Anya and Raven on the couch, and she felt her heart longing for Lexa to return sooner. She missed her, it was almost pathetic how much she missed her. But she knew it was only a matter of time until she got to be with Lexa again. 

Just one more day. 

\-------

As Lexa fell asleep in the hotel bed in Toronto, Clarke fell asleep in Lexa's bed, with her comforter pulled up to her chin and her arm wrapped around one of Lexa's many pillows. She pretended she was holding the brunette but it didn't feel the same. 

Lexa held a stiff hotel pillow in the same sense. 

\------

Lexa woke to a blaring alarm for her early flight while Clarke woke up to the smell of coffee and her friends conversing in the kitchen. 

Today was the day. Lexa didn't know it yet, but today she'd get to be with Clarke again. 

\------

Clarke could barely contain her excitement as she sipped on her coffee, waiting impatiently for the text from Anya that Lexa had been picked up. She had attempted to distract herself by reading and replying to the comments on her video, but she had to stop because her mind was elsewhere and she didn't want to half-ass her replies to her fans. 

It was then that she realized how much she truly was impacted by the long distance. There was a big difference between being with someone romantically, and actually getting to physically be with that person. She loved the calls they shared and being able to fall asleep to the gentle inhales and whistling exhales of Lexa on the other side, but it was entirely different to feel Lexa next to her. To feel the rise and fall of her chest, to feel the way Lexa would cling to Clarke's night shirt as if she was afraid Clarke would disappear in the middle of the night. It was something that anyone would crave in a relationship; physical contact. And while it wasn't a _big_ deal-- she could do without it-- it made everything more real when she was able to see Lexa again. 

Months ago, Clarke wouldn't even begin to believe that she would be in this position. She had heard of successful long distance relationships, some even ending in marriage, but she was afraid to get into one herself. That was before she got to see the different side of Lexa; the side that the camera didn't see. Sure, seeing Lexa on YouTube was a sight to see; the way she interacted with fans. Seeing the same _Heda_ that everyone else saw. But it was when she got to see Lexa right after a panic attack, the way she got to see the girl interacting with her cousin that made her truly start to fall. And it terrified her. 

Seeing the other side of Lexa terrified her. 

_Falling_ for Lexa terrified her. 

But it terrified her in a good way. 

(She knew it was too soon to call it love. But she couldn't help but feel that that was where things were going.) 

Her phone chimed with an incoming text. 

Lexa was on her way home. 

\------

Lexa was exhausted. She had spent the past few days going from business meetings to just trying to keep herself busy. If she was busy, she wouldn't have time to think. No thinking meant that she wouldn't become consumed in her thoughts and wouldn't have the chance to panic. 

(Panicking was a big thing when she was away from home. Especially without Anya.) 

Every part of her wanted to go home and fall asleep in her bed, letting the day go by without her but Anya was having none of it. As soon as Lexa got in the car Anya was driving them to Starbucks to "caffeinate them up" as she said, making sure that Lexa would be awake for the whole day. Lexa could tell that her sister was up to something, and she'd be lying if she said she wasn't afraid of what was to come. 

With the warm coffee in her hand she watched the scenery go by outside her window, taking in the darkened clouds that Minnesota had to offer. They hadn't had snow this year yet, and Lexa was honestly hoping it would snow in time for her birthday. She didn't like to celebrate it, but it'd be nice to have the gentle downfall of frozen water to accompany her on the day where she usually stayed inside anyways. It provided atmospheric aesthetics and motivated her to make videos. 

But thinking of snow made her think of Clarke, and how she wished she'd be able to enjoy the snow with her girlfriend. Taking her sledding, having snowball fights in the late day glow and curling up on the couch with hot chocolate while watching reruns of television shows where they could talk over it and tell each other about what's going on in their lives. Lexa found herself doing that a lot lately; fantasizing about Clarke being with her more often. 

It wasn't something she tried to do, really. She'd be thinking about one thing and the next thing she knew she'd be thinking about what Clarke would think about that. How Clarke would react to something she saw. Clarke had been taking over her mind as of late. 

Which is why when she walked into her apartment and beelined for her room to set her stuff down and suddenly there was a pair of arms wrapping around her waist from behind, Lexa thought she was imagining it. She thought that she had fallen asleep, whether it be in her bed or in Anya's car, and that she was dreaming that Clarke was there with her. It wasn't until she felt soft lips pressing against her jawbone and heard Raven talking in the living room that she realized this was real. 

She turned around slowly to meet ocean eyes looking at her with adoration and love and it made her heart swell. She couldn't believe that Clarke was there; she didn't know _why_ she was there but she definitely wasn't questioning it. Not when she had Clarke there with her in her arms. 

"You're here." She whispered, not trusting her voice enough to speak. 

"I'm here." 

Clarke's smile was bright enough to light up a room and Lexa decided that if it were possible, she'd black out the sun and live purely by that smile as her only light source. She cupped Clarke's cheeks with shaking hands and leaned in, pressing her lips to the ones she missed so much. Quivering lips moved against confident ones that felt like they were made for each other. They stayed there a moment, relishing in the reunion until they had to separate for air and knew they had to meet up with the other two in the other room. 

Lexa just wanted to pull Clarke into bed with her and lay there for hours, but the coffee that Anya had strategically put in her system was telling her that that wasn't a good idea. 

So they went back out to greet Anya and Raven. And the four of them spent the day being lazy; watching movies and enjoying the fact that they were all there again, together. And when the snow finally fell later that night Lexa was the one to drag them out to the front yard of their apartment. And Lexa was the one to throw the first snowball. And initiate the building of the snowman. 

And once again, Lexa felt complete, because deep down _Heda's_ past told her that soul mates were real, and that Clarke was most definitely hers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know a lot of what is in this story is unrealistic, mostly with how quickly the girls are falling, but I'm basing both of their experiences loosely on my own. This story has become my child and I'm projecting a lot of myself on both Clarke and Lexa. 
> 
> That being said; Lexa's birthday will be in the next chapter.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Anya take Clarke and Raven on a new experience. The gang reunites for Lexa's birthday. Also, spoilers for Pretty Little Liars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update guys--- I got a job and I've been so tired juggling that and schoolwork. I should be getting back on track soon, though.

Waking up the next morning made Lexa feel like she was still in a dream. Having Clarke next to her, blonde locks cascading over the both of their shoulders and mingling with chocolate ones reminded her that this was where she belonged. Even if she wasn’t with her clan, even if she was away from her duties — _this_ was where she belonged. With Clarke, doing what she loved for a job --- It was ever so simple, but it meant so much more to the both of them than that. It wasn’t unusual that Lexa was awake before the other girl. Clarke was used to falling asleep on the pacific coast, three hours later than it was then. So carefully, Lexa removed herself from Clarke’s grasp with a soft kiss to a smooth forehead and tiptoed her way into the kitchen where she began on breakfast. She was happy, and she wanted to show her thanks to Anya and the others for bringing her that happiness.

The clock on the stove read 5:30 am and while Lexa was slightly surprised that she woke that early, it didn’t shock her. Most times she would spend the whole day being in bed, sleeping for half of it and lazily scrolling the internet for the other half, but knowing that _Clarke_ was there made things different. She summed it up to her depression taking a brief break from tantalizing her, if even for a few hours. 

The clicking of the stove filled the silence in the kitchen and while the pan heated up Lexa pulled various ingredients from around the kitchen. They didn't have a lot to work with (Anya would need to go shopping soon) but Lexa decided upon French toast rather quickly. She knew the recipe by heart; she used to make it with her aunt on the weekends that Costia stayed the night. 

She knew she'd have to tell Clarke about Costia soon. It wasn't fair that she was keeping such a big part of her life from the blonde. 

In a way, Clarke and Costia were similar. Costia was musically inclined, much like Clarke, but Costia preferred the piano over the guitar. She had started teaching Lexa only a few weeks before she passed. Costia enjoyed watching beauty videos; the same that Clarke occasionally posted but not to the point where she'd be considered a beauty vlogger. Costia had even suggested going to college in California when the topic was brought up their junior year. 

But with their similarities, there also came their differences. Costia loved to play video games with Lexa, sitting on their living room couch while they geeked out over _The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time_ on her old Nintendo 64 for the millionth time. Costia would drag Lexa to museums they've gone to hundreds of times for the sake of reliving the history. 

Costia used to be the one to initiate the building of the snowman when the snow fell over _Trikru_ lands. 

Flipping the toast was enough of a distraction to keep her thoughts of Costia at bay. 

It was another ten minutes before someone joined Lexa in the kitchen. Anya awoke to the smell of her childhood wafting through the air, a satisfied smile on her face as she leaned against the threshold of the kitchen. 

"You haven't made those in a while." She commented, her voice quiet enough to not startle Lexa. 

"It's been a while since I felt like making them." 

Anya hummed and moved to grab a few slices off the stack for herself. "Clarke's changing you, Lex. But it's a good thing." 

Lexa furrowed her brow. "What do you mean?"

"Usually I have to threaten to pour water on you to get you out of bed at _noon_." She paused, taking a bite. "Yet here you are, at almost six in the morning, willingly making something you haven't made in years." 

Lexa fell quiet a moment. "They were Costia's favorite." 

Anya nodded. 

"I didn't.. think I'd be able to make them without crying. But this morning, I didn't think about her when I started making them." 

"Why did you make them?" 

"I just... wanted to. I woke up and wanted to make breakfast, for Clarke and Raven." 

"What about me?"

"You're eating them aren't you?" 

Anya scoffed. 

"Anyways... I didn't want to make pancakes. Too much effort, too much noise with mixing... this just felt right. It wasn't until I had started making them that I remembered." 

"Like I said, Clarke is helping you." 

Lexa continued working, letting Anya's comment fall to silence. She made another quick batch of batter, momentarily drowning herself in focus. 

"What if I forget about her?" 

Anya looked up at Lexa breaking the silence, a look of concern on her face. She understood where Lexa was coming from; it had been years since Costia had left them, but Anya knew Lexa better than that. Costia had been Lexa's first love; she thought it would be impossible for Lexa to forget about her. When Costia died, Lexa had been a wreck leaving Anya to pick up the pieces. She didn't eat, she didn't sleep and she most definitely didn't focus on school. She barely graduated and Anya was afraid that she'd give up on her duties as _Heda_ , but she didn't. When it came to her duties she pushed through with a forced smile. It wasn't until she started YouTube that she started smiling legitimately again. It wasn't intentional; Lexa had started uploading videos because she wanted to document every game she played and how she reacted to it the first time; it was something her therapist had suggested. Documenting them, then going back and watching it if she was sad so she could see how the games made her happy if she didn't feel up to playing them again. Then views went from tens to hundreds, to thousands, and on some, even millions. Everything escalated quickly and while it was overwhelming, the positive feedback was enough to get Lexa out of the serious depressed slump she had been in. 

"I don't think you could, Lex. She played a huge part of your life --- she got you to where you are now. Even if it doesn't seem like it." 

Lexa nodded and swallowed, starting the next batch of French toast. Anya's response settled among them as Lexa cooked, and it was moments later when their soft silence was interrupted. 

"I smelled food." Raven mumbled, Anya's blanket wrapped around her shoulders. 

Lexa smiled at the girl, putting a few pieces of toast on a plate and handing them to Raven. 

"You are Jesus." The younger brunette replied, taking the offered fork from Anya and dousing her food in syrup. It was only around fifteen minutes later that Lexa finished making all of the toast, and Clarke emerged from Lexa's room in a pair of sleep shorts and a sweatshirt that she had stolen from her girlfriend's closet. 

"You made breakfast?" She asked, walking into the kitchen 

Lexa nodded, a smile on her face as she pushed her glasses up her nose and stepped towards Clarke, wrapping her arms around her. "And it's not pancakes this time." 

"No it's something a lot better." Raven commented, reaching for seconds. 

Clarke chuckled and placed a kiss on Lexa's jaw before breaking away so they could both make their plates. 

"Hey Ahn, can we go to the mountain today?" Lexa asked before shoveling a forkful of French toast into her mouth. 

"I don't see why not --- is your board still in your closet?" 

Lexa nodded. "Yeah --- yours is in there too. And we can rent them skis or boards if they want." 

Raven looked between the two --- "What mountain? What do you two have planned?" 

The Woods sisters smiled at each other and Lexa finished her breakfast, leaving Raven and Clarke in the dust. 

\-----

"Why the hell is Minnesota so _cold_?" 

Lexa chuckled, looking over as Clarke carried her rented snowboard over to where Raven and Anya were standing. 

"Why is California so warm?" 

Clarke glared at her. 

Mount Weather wasn't as busy as it usually was and Lexa was glad about that, assuming that most of its usuals were out of town for the holidays. The wind wasn't too bad, a bitter nip against her nose as she walked along the fresh snowfall from the night before. The brunette was glad to be back on the slopes; she hadn't been since the last snowfall in late March. 

"Do we need to start on the bunny hill for you two beginners?" Anya teased, easily putting together her snowboard. Raven and Clarke's were already put together, but Anya and Lexa would have to put their bootstraps onto their boards. 

"Hell no --- take us to the big one!" 

"Raven you've never snowboarded a day in your life---"

"Live a little, Griff!" 

Clarke sighed and Lexa wrapped an arm around her waist, kissing her cheek. "You'll be fine. You can even hold my hand as we go down." 

Clarke hummed and leaned into Lexa as Anya moved onto her sisters board. 

Once they were all ready Anya led them to the lift that would take them to the top of the intermediate hill. Clarke sat with Lexa and Raven with Anya, but once at the top Raven was the first to take off down the hill. Anya had looked after her and rolled her eyes before strapping her free foot into her board and taking off after her. 

"Raven's a daredevil, isn't she?" Lexa asked, taking her time with her boot and showing Clarke how to do it with hers. 

"Most definitely." 

"I bet you she's going to fall before she gets to the bottom and Anya's going to have to pick her up." 

"And what is it you're betting?" 

Lexa thought for a moment; "Loser buys dinner?" 

Clarke smirked, "Lexa Woods, you've got yourself a deal." 

She took Lexa's hand and scooted them towards the edge, allowing Lexa to take the lead as they began the glide down the hill. 

And Lexa felt free. She used to snowboard all the time when she and Anya first moved to Minneapolis, but as of late she hadn't the chance. But this trip was different. This time, while Lexa had the wind against her face and the ground moving so quickly past her, she had Clarke's hand in hers. Clarke, whose screams and laughter as they flew down the hill was music to Lexa's ears. Clarke, who would grip Lexa's hand harder and harder as they picked up speed. Clarke, who Lexa fell a little more in love with every time she looked over at her. 

And Clarke, who ended up paying for takeout later that night after they passed Anya and Raven, both sitting on the hill three quarters down and covered in snow, flipping them off as they passed. 

\----- 

Lexa was the last to wake up on the 30th of December. She had a lazy day planned; mostly recording videos and potentially even livestreaming later that night. She woke up at one pm, falling quickly into old habits, to the sound of _Pretty Little Liars_ playing a few feet away from her. 

Opening one eye she spotted Clarke laying there and she smiled a tired smile, remembering that the blonde _was_ with her and it wasn't just a dream. She scooted towards the girl, sitting up only to rest her head on Clarke's shoulder. 

"I know who A is." She mumbled softly, her voice full of sleep. 

Clarke groaned; "Everyone does. And I want to know, but I don't have the time to binge-watch." 

"Do you want to know?" 

"No spoilers." 

Lexa smirked, watching the scene Clarke was watching. She waited a moment, then continued --- "It's CeCe." 

Clarke let out a whine and turned her head towards Lexa. "I hate you." 

"No you don't." 

"Yes I do." 

"If you hated me you wouldn't kiss me." 

"Who's to say I'm going to kiss you?" 

Lexa pouted and leaned forward to kiss Clarke, only for the blonde to turn her head causing Lexa to kiss her cheek. Lexa used this to her advantage, placing kisses along Clarke's cheek down to her jaw. 

"Stoooop." Clarke whined, playfully pushing at Lexa. 

"No." Lexa drawled, continuing her ministrations. 

Clarke whined again and Lexa laughed. 

"I can't believe you spoiled who A is." 

"I can't believe you're so behind on this show." 

Clarke let out a "humpf" and continued watching the show while Lexa returned her head to Clarke's shoulder. "Where's the dynamic duo?" 

"Anya wanted to take Raven out on a date." 

Lexa nodded, and the two of them spent the rest of the day watching the show that Lexa had seen a million times. What Lexa didn't know, was that Anya and Raven's "date" was really the two of them meeting with Octavia and Bellamy and planning the surprise for Lexa the next day. 

\-----

It took a lot for Clarke to get Lexa out of the house on the 31st, but it had to be done in order for the remaining four of the group to set up. So Clarke talked her girlfriend into going out for dinner; their first official one on one date. It was more of a mutual plan, with Lexa taking Clarke to one of her favorite diners in the city. 

Clarke knew that Lexa's anxiety was acting up based on the amount of people in the diner. With it being New Years Eve, everyone was having dinner before going to parties. But Clarke knew to keep Lexa occupied. So she played with Lexa's hand, she asked questions and she kept the silence to a minimum as to not allow the brunette to panic. 

"What made you move to Minnesota?" She asked, "You seem to have your entire family in Virginia." 

Lexa hummed, looking down at their conjoined hands. She was nervous because of the people, but also because there was a chance that anyone could see them. Which meant that fans could see them. It wasn't that she was afraid to come out to her fans --- she was afraid of the negative side. Afraid of their words. Words that could tear her down in a matter of moments. But she knew Clarke was trying. So she tried to keep her anxiety at bay. 

"It was... originally for college. I had gotten a scholarship for the University of Minnesota, but I dropped out... my anxiety was really bad at that point. But.. Anya had a job, and we had an apartment and it was pointless to just move back home when we were already settled so... we stayed." She chewed her lip, remembering what had caused her anxiety to get so bad. Costia had haunted her back then; the idea of moving on without her made the mess of herself even worse. 

"Clarke, I need to tell you something---" 

"Oh my god it's Heda." 

Lexa was quick to bring her hand back as she heard her username be announced, looking in the direction. She was met with excited eyes as someone who seemed to be a little younger than herself approached, his excitement only growing when he saw Clarke across from her. "Oh my god--- _Clarke._ Sorry--- I'm just a _big_ fan--- can I get a picture?" 

Lexa smiled, nodding her head and looking at Clarke. She could tell that Clarke was hiding the hurt that came with Lexa pulling her hand back. 

(She knew she had broken the silent promise to herself that she'd never be the reason Clarke was hurting.) 

"Of course." 

"Great!! Babe, could you take the picture? He's my boyfriend, Bryan." 

The boyfriend --- Bryan --- took the mans phone and took the photo when Clarke and Lexa stood and posed. Directly after, Lexa turned to the man. 

"What's your name?" 

"Nathan --- I've been following you for _years._ The both of you. I didn't expect to see you both--- it seems like the shippers are right." 

"What do you mean?" Clarke asked. 

"The shippers? The clexa shippers, not the ones who ship you and Finn." He continued, referring to Clarke. 

Neither Lexa nor Clarke knew what to comment on that. They knew about the shippers. But Lexa hoped that Nathan hadn't seen the way they were holding hands before. 

They both offered to sign something for him and soon he was off with his lover, leaving the duo alone. 

"What was that about?" Clarke asked. 

"What was what about?" 

"You.. acted like I was on fire." 

"I'm.. not ready to be out to my fans. Not yet, at least..." 

Clarke sighed, but nodded. "What were you saying before?" 

Lexa licked her lips and was about to speak again when Clarke's phone went off. She huffed, shaking her head. "I can tell you later." 

The message Clarke received was from Anya telling her that everything was ready. 

"Are you okay, Lex?" 

Lexa nodded. "I'm fine." 

(She wasn't.) 

Clarke nodded as well. "We should get going... it's getting late and I want to be able to watch the New Years Eve special." 

Lexa allowed herself to be pulled from the diner after paying, heading back into the streets of Minneapolis towards her home. In reality, however, she knew that _home_ was wherever Clarke was, and it was only a matter of time before Lexa got the nerve to say it. 

\----

"Are they on their way?" 

"Yes." 

"And you're sure?" 

"Raven, yes I'm sure---" 

"Okay, then get into position." 

"It's my house!" 

"Do you want to ruin the surprise?" 

"The surprise is in my bedroom." 

"Anya that's not exactly a surprise, don't talk about that with my friends---" 

"She meant _Lincoln_ , you idiot--- we don't need to hear about your sexcapades." 

"Shut up, Bellamy. Just because you're bitter about not getting laid doesn't mean you get to judge mine and Anya's." 

"Stop talking about my brothers sex life!" 

Anya's phone went off, letting the group know that Clarke and Lexa were on their way up. 

"They're here!" 

"Get in position!" 

" _Which_ position?" 

"Raven shut the hell up or else the only _position_ you'll be in is the fetal when you're trying to stay warm in the back alleyway." 

Bellamy let out a shush as they hid, the light flicking off just in time for the doorknob to turn. 

From then on, everything happened rather quickly. Lexa was the first to walk in, causing a chorus of "surprise" to ring out around them. Lexa almost fell back into Clarke (who caught her--- luckily) and Raven let off multiple poppers at once with a rig she made out of paper clips, batteries and rubber bands. It was a lot for Lexa at once and while she tried to keep things under control, she could feel her body to shake. That was, until Lincoln walked out of Anya's room. 

She hugged him and managed to come down easily, only acknowledging the group when her breathing was back under control. She asked who had set this all up and fingers were all pointed at Clarke, who grinned and Anya, who only shrugged and Lexa sent her a silent thank you. Music was played (not too loud, Lexa had warned them of her wary anxiety) and drinks were had, with them eventually all sitting in a circle in the Woods' living room. 

"There was this one time--- Lexa was, what, twelve? And she tried to climb a tree. This dumbass over here," Anya paused, pointing to Lincoln with her thumb, "decided to be her ladder, but then she kicked him in the face on accident. So he falls over, and Lexa's still in the tree. And then, _then_ , she starts screaming." Anya paused again, laughing at her own story. Lexa, however, was humiliated and tried to bury her face in Clarke's shoulder, the blonde fully intrigued by the story. 

"So I hear her screaming and I come outside to her hanging onto a branch by her elbows and Lincoln's on the ground with a bloody nose. She wasn't screaming because she was now stuck in a tree, she thought she _killed_ him." 

"In my defense, I still believed that you could directly poke your brain through your nose." Lexa mumbled, lacing her fingers with Clarke's. 

"Yeah, but you have to admit hearing Costia call you _killer_ for months afterwards was pretty funny." Lincoln chimed. 

"It was more annoying than anything." 

"Who's Costia?" Octavia asked, taking a drink from her cup. 

Clarke felt Lexa stiffen up next to her and Anya held her breath a moment. It was quiet, up until Lexa took a deep breath and spoke. 

"Let's just say she's an old friend." 

(Clarke could tell there was more to the story.) 

(She just hoped that Lexa trusted her enough to tell her.) 

When the countdown on the television began, they chimed out each number with glee and hope that the next year was going to be great. When the clock struck midnight, Lexa took Clarke's lips with her own, kissing her passionately with a promise for a strong future. And immediately after, Clarke whispered "happy birthday" making Lexa for once actually _happy_ on her birthday. 

And when Clarke left the room only to come back in with a birthday cake full of candles, Lexa's heart skipped a beat. The words she said next were quiet, but Anya and Lincoln heard them, and they were shocked to hear it. 

" _Ai hod yu in, Klark."_ She whispered, placing a soft kiss to Clarke's head. And the blonde didn't understand it, but the way that Lexa held her so close made her believe that those words were important.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think we all know what that translation is tbh. Hope you enjoyed it!!


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Clarke skype; Lexa has some doubts. Raven convinces Clarke to take things easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A kinda short filler chapter but I feel like that's a good place to leave it before I jump into finals next week.

Clarke and the rest were set to leave the second of January, and the goodbye wasn't easier that time as it was the rest of the times. It was filled with teary eyes and promises to see each other soon, but both girls knew that it wouldn't be that easy. Clarke had work; she had used her vacation days and the fact that she was friends with the owners of both of her job locations to her advantage, but that wouldn't work forever. So with melancholy glances and lingering kisses Lexa said goodbye to Clarke, gave her best wishes to the others and watched as they all boarded a plane back across the country. 

Lincoln had gone with her to say goodbye. Anya had to work, but she and Raven said their goodbyes that morning before Anya left. 

"Does it ever get easier?" Lexa asked, her head resting against the glass window of her car. 

She could see Lincoln shake his head out of the corner of her eye. "I don't think so, Lex. Not with... thousands of miles between." 

"Gee, thanks." 

"You know I didn't mean it badly. It.. sucks. But I know you're strong, and maybe.. maybe you could convince Clarke to come move out here, or even move out there yourself." 

"You mean pack up my life and go to an entirely different city across the country? Lincoln I can't do that. It was hard enough moving to Minnesota-- the amount I spend going back and forth from Virginia each year is already high enough." 

She could hear her cousin sign as they drove, his hand moving from his own lap and landing on her shoulder. "This can be figured out, Lex. It'll take time but you can do it." 

Lexa found herself staring out the window as they drove back to her apartment, missing Clarke more and more with each mile put between them. 

\----

Settling back in California was a little difficult for Clarke. She had to fall back into schedule, one that she had before break and it was proving to take its toll on her. She hadn't been sleeping as easily as she should have been, and while she was eating as much as she should've Raven could tell that she wasn't enjoying the food that she usually enjoyed. They had been back home for a week now and classes had been back in full swing, but the routine that Clarke had before was seeming to take more of a toll on her. 

"Clarke, is everything okay?" Raven asked, stepping up behind her as the girl studied. 

"What?" The blonde pulled a headphone out of her ear, "Yeah, everything's fine. Why?" 

"You've been kinda blanking lately." 

"I'm just stressed, Rae." Clarke shrugged it off. "Harper's got me working double shifts to make up for the week I took off and Fox wants me to close for the next week. Add that to all this work and the fact that I haven't pre-recorded anything..." She trailed off and went back to her books, momentarily forgetting that Raven was there. 

"Don't you think you're stretching yourself a little too thin?" 

"What do you want me to do, Rae? Quit my jobs? Drop out of school? Stop doing the one thing that I really love doing?" 

"I didn't ask you to do that--" 

"Then what, Rae?" 

Raven sighed, shaking her head. She slipped into the seat next to Clarke, placing her hands on the table. "I can get another job." 

"Raven I can't ask you to do that; you've got more classwork than I do and you already have a job." 

"Yeah, a part-time job at the car place where Wick is so self-absorbed all he makes me do is paperwork that takes maybe thirty minutes and then he sends me off on errands the rest of the day. My classwork is easy; it's stuff I already know. But you're working your ass off for a medical degree-- for the sake of making your _mom_ happy at that-- two jobs that you don't even enjoy, as well as running a YouTube channel that takes up quite a lot of time _and_ dealing with the emotional stress of a long-distance relationship." Raven explained, placing a hand on Clarke's arm. "I think telling Harper or Fox that you're under too much stress for right now and that you can't juggle two jobs would be okay." 

"What if we don't make enough?" 

"Then we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. We'll move to a smaller town, or convince O and Bell to find a place with us. It's just for a few more months and then you'll have that degree." 

Clarke sighed and looked down at her books; "Can I at least just think about it for a little bit?" She asked, and Raven nodded. 

"Go ahead. But I'm still going to look for a place that's hiring." 

Raven stood up and walked to her room, leaving Clarke alone with her thoughts. 

\----

A few weeks pass and Clarke quits her job with Fox. She decides that between working double shifts on the weekends and closing during the week, she needs more time to sleep during the week. Raven supports her on this decision, and finds herself a job at the local bar during the weekends. It pays fairly well in tips, and Clarke finds herself able to relax with ease. 

January comes and goes for them, filled with midterms and the occasional small party with Octavia and Bellamy with a few of their friends of friends. Clarke gets hit on multiple times, but each time she says she is currently taken. One time she even says it accidentally in the background of Bellamy's snapchat. 

Word gets around online and soon enough everyone is questioning who it is that Clarke is seeing. Some people believe it's Lexa, others believe it's Fox and some even think it may be Bellamy himself. 

Lexa learns early on to not pay attention to the comments, because she knows the truth. 

It's at the end of January where Clarke and Lexa find the time to skype again. Between their busy schedules and Lexa flying around for business (against her greater want), it was hard to find a time where they're both free. 

_"I can't believe it's been a month since I was last able to see you."_

Clarke's hand falls on the pixelated image of Lexa, seeing the girl comfortable in her room. The white noise coming from Lexa's TV in the background makes her think that Anya wasn't home; possibly at work. It was times like that when she forgot about the time zones. While it was still early in the evening for her, it was three hours later for Lexa. 

"Not _quite_ a month yet." Clarke teased, tucking the blanket under her. Her laptop sat on the coffee table in front of her and her books to the side; she had been studying for an upcoming test when Lexa told her she had free time. 

_"It'll be a month soon enough."_

She could hear the girl sigh from the other side and she knew that the distance was taking its toll on Lexa. She had also seen the onslaught of tweets towards the other girl, asking if she and Clarke were together but not once did she see Lexa comment on them. It made her think back to their date in December, when Lexa pulled away from her when a fan approached. 

"But hey... a month puts us closer to the next time we see each other." 

The soft "yeah" she heard wasn't very convincing. 

"What is it, Lex? Everything okay?" 

Lexa nodded, clicking around on her computer. Clarke frowned and pulled her laptop onto her lap, her books forgotten. 

"Talk to me babe." 

Lexa sighed, looking back at her. _"Do you.. ever think that this is too hard? That maybe we can't do this?"_

Clarke furrowed her brow, "What do you mean?" 

_"Do you ever think that this distance is just... too much? That maybe you'd be happier with someone closer?"_

"Lexa what is this about?" 

Lexa shook her head and sat up, crossing her legs and pausing what was on the television. She saw Lexa thinking about something; seeming to be in deep thought. 

"Is this about those tweets?" 

_"Partially--"_ She sighed. _"Clarke..."_

"Are you breaking up with me?" 

_"No, babe... it's just... You're in California. You're going to school, you're.. talented, working... you've got a lot going for you. And then there's me... in Minnesota, who's only source of income is filming myself playing video games on YouTube. I'm not even in school, Clarke. I don't have a college degree."_

Clarke had a feeling this would happen. Octavia had told her about someone she had dated in high school, someone with high anxiety. The person needed reassurance frequently because they felt that they weren't doing enough for the relationship. But Lexa did so much for Clarke, even if she didn't know it. Lexa was the first thing Clarke thought about when she woke up and the last thing she thought about before she fell asleep. Lexa was quickly becoming Clarke's whole world, even if they were on opposite sides of the country. 

"You know that doesn't matter, though." 

_"Doesn't it? I don't even like to leave my own house. Hell-- the thought of sharing our relationship scares me because what if it doesn't work out? What if... what if it gets to be too much? What if you..."_ Lexa shook her head and ran a hand through her hair. 

"What if what?"

Lexa didn't make eye contact, instead fixing her gaze on her keyboard. _"What if you realize that this isn't worth it because I can't be with you all the time?"_

Clarke wasn't expecting Lexa to be doubting herself like this. She didn't know how to respond. She loved Lexa-- she had figured that out a short while ago. She wanted nothing more than to wake up every day with Lexa's hair in her face and an arm around her keeping her grounded. She wanted to spend every moment of every day with Lexa. She was certain that everyone around her knew that, too. 

"We don't have to go public, Lex..."

_"But I know that's not what you want."_

"But I've also seen how relationships that are shared online turn out."

Lexa frowned and brought her knees to her chest. Her arms wrapped around them and she seemed so vulnerable. If Clarke looked closely enough, she would see the girl close to tears. There were things she wanted to say but weren't saying them; Clarke knew better than to push her. 

_"What if you find someone better?"_

Clarke could feel her heart breaking as she looked at her girlfriend. The thought of finding someone _other_ than Lexa made her feel uneasy; as if she was being thrown into high school as a first grader. She didn't want anyone else; she couldn't see herself being with anyone else. 

"Lexa..." 

_"You could... you could find someone there. And there'd be nothing I could do to stop you because I'm not there. I'm not.. I'm not there to kiss you, I'm not brave enough to hold your hand..."_

"Lexa please, stop." 

_"Am I lying?"_

"No." Clarke shook her head. "You're not. You're not here, and if I so badly wanted to I could find someone here who'd kiss me and spend time with me and post pictures of me for stupid social media to flaunt our relationship to the world. But you know what? I don't want someone else, okay? I want _you_. I love our relationship. I love being able to spend time with you when I can. I don't mind waiting the time between because that means when I do get to see you it makes it all that more special." She ranted, making sure Lexa was listening to her. "People who get to see each other all the time take that for granted. What _we_ have is real. So what if you don't want to share our relationship with the internet? That doesn't matter. We don't need validation, Lexa. What matters is that I _fucking_ love you and I don't want spend my life with _anyone_ else." 

She was breathing heavily when she finished, her eyes widening when she realized what she had said. That wasn't how she intended to tell Lexa that she loved her, but it came out. And the shock on Lexa's face proved to her that Lexa wasn't expecting it either. 

There was a silence for a few minutes. Just Lexa and Clarke staring at each other; unmoving. Clarke thought that Lexa's camera had frozen until she spoke. 

"ai hod yu in, Klark."

"What?" 

"ai hod yu in. _It... means I love you in Trigedasleng."_

Clarke thought about it for a moment. "That's what you said at your birthday..." 

_"I know..."_

"Lex..." 

_"I'm sorry I... got all doubtful."_

"Don't worry about it." 

_"Clarke?"_

"Yeah?" 

_"I think I'm falling in love with you... please don't break me."_

\----

Within the next week, Clarke released a cover of Halsey's "Strange Love". It skyrocketed her channel, but mostly because of her viewers questioning who it's about and sharing it to discuss with other fans. It's the first song she decided to put on iTunes. 

\----- 

On Valentine's Day, Clarke received a bouquet of roses on her doorstep with a note, 

_"Yours Forever and Always, LW."_

They skyped later that night, and Clarke scolded Lexa for being too romantic. Lexa just laughed, and Anya smiled at the sound, having not heard it for a while. 

\---- 

In March, they weren't able to talk very often due to Lexa preparing for PAX East. Clarke hated not being able to talk to Lexa, but the videos she put up while vlogging the convention and meeting more fans was well worth it. She was glad to see her lover so happy. 

Lexa received a package when she came back from the convention; a package full of baked goods and a note that read, 

_"I get bored when I can't talk to you. Hope they're not stale when you get them. - Clarke"_

They weren't stale at all. 

\----

With each passing day Clarke missed Lexa more and more, but Lexa got to planning a secret trip that mimicked Clarke's trip to Minnesota. The best part was that Clarke was none the wiser, but the worst part was that Lexa had to keep the secret from Clarke. 

Only two months left until they'd get to see each other again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos to anyone who can figure out what Lexa's trip would be about. Also fun fact; the "strange love" idea is one of the things that jumpstarted me wanting to write this fic.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Small time jump; Clarke's graduation and Lexa's surprise. Lexa briefly meets the parents.

April seemed to come and go, bringing rain in its wake to wash away the cold Minnesota snow and bringing colors to the trees and flowers. For most people, the transition from April to May was a great time to spend outdoors, going on trips and spending time with friends, but Lexa spent a majority indoors focusing on videos. She had been on a kick lately; blaming her sudden interest in productivity on the fact that she missed Clarke. 

(She knew that Anya was working more hours to combat her loneliness from missing Raven, too.) 

Midway through April Lexa had paid a visit home, mostly to check on Aden and see how he was progressing in preparing for his second task that would occur in late May. It was the most modern out of the tasks; a knowledge-based test on knowing the language of Trigedasleng and the history of _Trikru_ culture. It was introduced with many _Heda_ 's before Lexa's grandfather, when English became the primary language of the tribe instead of simply a warrior language. It was a needed transition to help the tribe ease into modern times and interact with those outside the coalition. 

She had spent a few days there by herself, and really needed the break. But as soon as she got back she caught sight of a new game she wanted to play for her channel, _OneShot_. She had seen a few other gamers play it and wanted to experience it for herself, leading her to playing it in one go and having a decent amount of gameplay pre-recorded for her channel. It worked out perfectly for her plans for the beginning of May. 

Keeping the secret from Clarke for so long wasn't easy, but she managed to do it with careful planning and trusting that Octavia, Bellamy and Raven weren't going to say a word to the blonde. Despite her nerves settling in, things were looking positive. 

Her plane landed in California on the 5th of May; the day before Clarke's graduation. She had rented a car and the rare rainfall against her window was calming her excitement for the next day. She only had one more day until she was able to see Clarke again. Only one more day until she could show Clarke that she was there. 

Octavia and Bellamy had offered up their spare room to Lexa, but Lexa didn't want to impose. She also didn't want to risk the off chance that Clarke stumbled into the siblings' home and see her, ruining the surprise. So she got a hotel room for a few nights. It was odd, planing a leisure trip without her sister, but Lexa knew that Anya had other priorities. She had traveled for business on her own many times, but on those occasions she had work to keep her busy; to keep the panic of not knowing anyone at bay. This time was different, however. She had willingly gotten on a plane by herself with the sheer idea of relaxing in mind, and Anya wasn't by her side. 

(It helped that Anya had promised her that she'd keep her phone on at all times, though.) 

She had packed light; only a few outfits and significant things she'd need for the trip, including Clarke's graduation gifts. Yes, multiple. A few small sentimental ones, and one that would help Clarke's future professions. Lexa had sent them in a well-padded box a week prior to the trip to ensure that it would get there on time without having to worry about it being damaged in her suitcase. 

After sending a text to Octavia, Bellamy and Clarke, letting them know she landed safely, she got herself dinner and settled into her hotel room, setting up a small stream to calm herself down even more from the excitement that the next day was already affecting her. 

\----

The next day, Clarke's nerves were finally settling in mixed with underlying excitement that she was graduating. It wasn't until she was dressing herself in the navy blue dress she had specifically picked out for this day and curling her hair that it became real. Raven was in the kitchen, making breakfast with her mom while her dad hummed classic rock, scrolling through the television channels. They still had a few hours before they had to leave, but Clarke knew if she didn't get ready then then she wouldn't be prepared when it was time to go. Once she was all dressed she took a moment to herself, checking through social media. 

_" **SkyPrincessGriffin:** It's Graduation day! Can't believe this day has actually come. Expect a vlog from today within the next few days xx_ "

The replies came in within minutes, filled with congratulations from fans and other youtubers that she had come to know as friends. There was one reply in particular, however, that she was waiting on, and it came in a few minutes later. 

_" **CommanderHeda: SkyPrincessGriffin** Congratulations, Clarke. Enjoy your special day. Looking forward to the vlog x"_

She smiled at her phone and headed out to the living room, greeting her family and engaging in conversation of plans for the day. 

\----

Lexa had hesitated to reply to Clarke's tweet. She knew she had to; she had to play that she had been in Minnesota. Clarke had told her that Raven could FaceTime her and stream Clarke's graduation for her, but Lexa had responded with the excuse that she had plans for the day and wouldn't be able to see it. It hurt, lying to Clarke, but Lexa wanted the surprise to be special. 

She left her hotel a half hour before the event, knowing that while she may not have the best seats it would work in her favor. It would mean less time around other people before the event, which meant less chances that she'd run into a fan who would in turn post a picture to twitter and potentially ruin her plan. She was dressed nicely, but not nice enough to be mistaken for a graduate, and the bouquet of flowers in her hands made her palms feel a little less clammy. At this point, Lexa couldn't tell if she was nervous or excited. 

As she entered the venue she thought back to her own (high school) graduation day, and how it was both a blessing and one of the worst days of her life. She remembered getting dolled up, with little makeup and a nice dress. She remembered Gustus patting her on the back before she left to be with her class and telling her how proud of her he was. She remembered the way her aunt was moments away from tearing up, even before the ceremony. She remembered fiddling with her tassel out of anxiety, and taking pictures with distant friends that she hasn't talked to since that day. 

But most of all, she remembered the memorial video they played in honor of Costia, the fallen member of their class. And how she had fought so hard to keep herself from crying as they handed the honorary diploma to Costia's parents. A stupid piece of paper to represent an accomplishment that Lexa had wanted to share with the girl. 

She could hear the loud voices of the crowded venue through the doors. But she took a deep breath, counted to ten and pushed her anxiety to the pit of her stomach where she hoped it would stay until after the ceremony. Walking in her eyes quickly scanned for Clarke's family (namely Octavia and Bellamy) and she made a point to sit a fair distance away from them so Clarke wouldn't catch sight of her. She was seated next to a weeping, proud mother and a father who took way too many pictures, but she was excited. _She_ was proud of the girl she loved, finishing school. 

The ceremony was long. She wasn't certain how many people there was in the Stanford class of 2017, but from what she could tell there was a _lot_. It seemed to go on forever until they started calling names, and that's when Lexa perked up. And when Clarke's name was called, she cheered. She did the same with Raven. And she watched from afar as the closing speech was given, and the hats flew in the air while parents ushered their way to meet the grads. But Lexa stayed behind as long as she could without seeming suspicious, wanting to give herself a chance to breathe. 

It was when she caught Raven's eye in the crowd below and received a nod telling her to go that she left the stands, making her way out with the rest of the proud families. 

\----

She had done it. 

She had actually done it. 

She completed school, and it didn't feel real to her. 

Clarke knew the piece of paper in her hand was blank and that she'd be receiving her degree in the mail but that didn't stop the squeals of joy leaving her lips as she hugged the friends she had made and took pictures with almost everyone she came across that afternoon. It didn't stop the tackle-hug she had received from Raven once they were given the okay to leave and it didn't stop her from laughing with happiness as she thought back on the ceremony. She was filled with pride, with joy, but really... she wanted Lexa there. 

As she walked out of the venue, seeing couples that graduated together or even those that didn't happily holding each other and taking sappy photos, she silently envied them because Lexa wasn't there. She wanted to kiss Lexa and have her mom take a photo of it like those ridiculous photos she's seen on her twitter feed. She wanted to hold Lexa's hand, and talk with her over dinner with her parents. It was cliche and ridiculous, but that didn't stop Clarke from wanting it. 

After locating Raven _again_ (she had lost her a few times in the crowd) she pulled her best friend by the arm to where her parents texted her saying they'd meet her, the grin on her face growing as she saw her other best friends and parents standing there with smiles on their faces. 

"Hello _graduate_. How does it feel to be done with school?" Her dad asked, pulling her immediately into a hug. 

"Really... surreal. I can't believe it, actually." She stated, a dopey smile on her face. 

"You'll get used to it once you're able to go days without stressing over schoolwork." Octavia chimed, following Jake's lead of hugging Clarke. 

They talked for a bit, discussing dinner plans (and overall stalling on Octavia, Bellamy and Raven's part) and just realizing that this day had actually happened. But Clarke still had that nagging feeling in her chest. That feeling that something was missing, and she knew exactly what it was. It was clear on her face that there was something bugging her, and it was Abby that commented on it first. 

"What is it, sweetie?" 

Clarke gave her a gentle smile, "I just... wish Lexa was here with me. It doesn't seem right to be celebrating such a big day without her." 

Bellamy caught sight of Lexa coming across the quad first, but kept his face stoic. "You know if she could be here, she would, Griff." He commented. 

"Yeah -- and you're not the only one missing their girlfriend, C. I swear, Anya's apologized a million times over the fact that she can't be here today." Raven chimed, placing a hand on Clarke's shoulder. 

Bellamy subtly nudged Octavia, getting her to catch sight of Lexa as well who nodded for her to start filming. 

The plan was falling into place. 

"Don't be so hard on yourself, babe. Come on, update your viewers on what's happened." She suggested, turning on her vlogging camera and pointing it in Clarke's direction. 

"Well... I just graduated. And it... it really doesn't feel real." She said, looking down at the rolled up paper in her hands. "It feels like a dream, really, even though this is my second time doing this. I don't think this kind of change ever feels real, actually..." 

Bellamy smiled at her and nodded, giving Lexa the signal. 

"Gosh, I don't even know what to say right now, guys." Clarke looked to her family, just smiling at them. 

"You know we're proud of you, honey." Octavia showed Abby for a second, then back to Clarke. 

Lexa finished walking towards the blonde. 

"I know, it's just... I wish L- _Heda_ , was here, y'know?" 

Lexa smiled, holding the bouquet in front of her. 

"Then turn around." 

Everything seemed to go in slow motion. Clarke's eyes went wide and she was quick to turn around, blue eyes meeting green for a brief moment before Clarke's arms were thrown around Lexa's shoulders. Lexa had only a moment to move the flowers before Clarke's body was thrown against hers with enough force to make her stumble back a bit. But that didn't matter, because they were _together_. 

Lexa could feel the little things. The smile against her neck, wide enough to where Lexa swore she could feel Clarke's teeth against her skin. The way her heart was beating so fast she thought it was going to beat out of her chest. The overwhelming feeling of _home_ that surrounded them. The way that Clarke was shaking ever so slightly. Clarke's fingers in her hair, her breath against her neck coming out in soft puffs of air that Lexa could only assume was laughter. 

"You told me you had plans." Clarke mumbled, muffled by her location against Lexa. 

"I didn't specify what my plans were." 

Clarke laughed and shook her head before pulling back. 

"I can't believe you're here." 

"Do you really think I'd miss your big day?" 

Octavia was quick to end the video before Clarke pressed her lips to Lexa's. 

The two became lost in their own little world. Weeks of missing each other became evident as their lips moved together, finding comfort in each other before Abby stepped in to separate them so they could get pictures from the day. There wasn't a lot to take; most were of Clarke and Raven with the various people that attended (and a few that Abby snuck in of Clarke and Lexa sharing kisses and small, intimate moments) and a bunch of Clarke and Raven together. 

From there they were off to dinner, Clarke opting to ride with Lexa of course. 

"I still can't believe you're actually here." 

"You keep saying that but yet, here I am." Lexa teased, lacing their hands together. 

"How did you even pull it off?" 

"Lots of planning, and with the help of the tremendous trio."

"So O, Bell and Raven were in on this?"

Lexa nodded, bringing their conjoined hands to her lips to place a kiss on the back of Clarke's hand. 

"You're an ass, you know that?" 

Lexa laughed, glancing at Clarke a moment before returning her eyes to the road. 

"How long are you here?" 

Lexa hummed, "A few days. I got in yesterday, plan to be here for your grad party tomorrow, and I'm leaving Tuesday night. I'd love to stay longer, but... duty calls back home. Aden starts his second trial in a few weeks and I need to get everything ready for that." 

Clarke nodded; sad that Lexa had to leave so soon but she understood. 

"What's his next trial?" 

"Language and history test, basically... testing his knowledge on Trigedasleng and past _Heda_ 's." 

"Sounds boring." 

Lexa chuckled, "For a sixteen year old boy, yes. But it's important for him to know these things." 

The rest of the drive was spent with Clarke catching Lexa up on the past few months of her lives; things that they weren't able to discuss over video chat, and Clarke continuing to tell Lexa that she felt like she was in a dream. By the time they got to the restaurant the rest of the group was already there at a table, patiently awaiting the happy couple. 

"So Clarke, Raven," Jake asked, sipping from his glass of wine. "What are your plans to do now?" 

Clarke hummed, her hand resting on Lexa's thigh. "At the moment, working and relaxing. Maybe even looking into a place in LA with Bell and O." 

After Clarke and Raven's talk a while back, Raven had suggested they still talk to Bellamy and Octavia about pitching in together for a small house for the four of them. Being closer to LA meant more opportunities, and there wasn't a point in staying where they were because they weren't in school anymore. The four of them would be able to all pitch in on a house and it would bring perks for all of them. 

"Ooh, sounds exciting. You'll have to let me know when you find a place." 

"Oh of course, Papa G. It wouldn't be right to move without your stamp of approval." Raven commented, earning an appreciative grin from Jake. 

"What about you, Lexa? Any plans for the summer?" Abby asked. 

"Just planning videos, really. My sister has been asking me if I would be interested in getting a job, but I'm not... so certain on that part." 

Abby nodded, understanding. She understood the life of a youtuber and the choices that came with it; while Clarke had insisted on getting an outside job, she had learned from her daughter that some creators were able to make enough on YouTube alone. "I'm sure the extra money wouldn't hurt." 

"It wouldn't, that's for sure. But... I don't think I could handle working in a busy environment." 

"What do you mean?" 

"Mom..." Clarke warned. 

"No, it's okay." Lexa placed her hand over Clarke's on her thigh. "I have really bad anxiety, and busy, overwhelming locations tend to set me off. It's not the most ideal setting for me to be in, and making videos at home is the most comfortable thing for me right now." 

Abby nodded, sipping from her drink. 

Sensing the way the conversation was going, Jake took over. "So Lexa, I'm not going to pull the dad card and ask about your intentions with my daughter over dinner, but tell us about yourself. Even though I feel like I know you well enough already with the way Clarke talked about you over Christmas." He smirked, noticing the way Clarke's cheeks turned a cherry hue. 

"Well..." Lexa cleared her throat, "I'm twenty seven, and originally from Washington D.C. but moved to Minneapolis shortly after graduation." 

"Why the move?"

"College, at first, but plans changed due to personal reasons. After the change, my sister and decided to just stay there and make a home for ourselves." 

"Anya, right?" 

"That's correct." 

"Clarke tells us you play video games on your channel, right?"

Lexa nodded, smiling. "That is also correct. While it may sound childish, video games have played a big part of my life and the channel has given me great opportunities within the gaming community and I wouldn't change it for anything." 

Jake nodded, impressed. "Professional _and_ passionate. I like this one, Clarke." He teased, winking at his daughter. 

The dinner continued with the six of them having small talk and enjoying their meals, but at the end of the night Clarke followed Lexa to her hotel room like a lost puppy. And the two of them settled in for bed with intertwined limbs and soft kisses that turned heated. With wandering hands that delved on intimacy, but never really pushing boundaries. By the end of the night they both knew they'd have questionable marks on their necks and chests that they'd have to explain the next day, but it was well worth it simply because of the sweet, suffocating feeling of home that radiated from the both of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really it baffles me how the fans haven't truly caught on yet because these two are as obvious as Stevie Boebi and Ally Hills pre-girlfriend song video (if you don't know who they are I highly suggest giving their videos a watch; they may not be together anymore but their relationship is one of the many that inspired this fic as a whole). 
> 
> Next up: Clarke's grad party and Lexa gets the talk(tm) from Jake.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's grad party. Lexa gets the talk. Romance ensues. A tragic event.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the late update! Life has been super hectic for me and I've been suffering with a case of writers block. This chapter is a little on the shorter side, but I like how it turned out nonetheless.

Waking up next to Clarke in the room that radiated everything the blonde was about made Lexa feel... many things. The first thing she felt was how much she loved waking up with Clarke in her arms. With the blonde on her chest and their breathing in sync. But she also felt a sense of wanting; of longing. And her thoughts took advantage of this feeling, giving Lexa the idea of a future with Clarke. Of having a place of their own, with Clarke's paintings hanging on their walls and Lexa's bookshelves holding photos of them and their friends. It made the brunette's heart ache with want, despite the short time they've been together. 

Clarke stirred in her sleep, shifting and rolling over. She was quiet for a moment, causing Lexa to look over at her and when she did, green eyes met piercing blue. 

"You're thinking too loud," Clarke mused, draping an arm across Lexa's stomach. "What're you thinking about?"

Her voice was thick with sleep and a smile appeared on Lexa's face as she pushed the hair from Clarke's forehead. 

"Nothing in particular," _just a future with you._

Clarke hummed resting her chin on Lexa's chest to look up at her. "If it's nothing in particular, why haven't you gone back to sleep yet?"

The brunette smirked, an arm wrapping around Clarke and snuggling into her. "Central Time is a bitch." She hummed, "It may be ten here, but it's noon in Minneapolis." 

Clarke groaned, burying her face again. "It's so early." She whined, and Lexa kissed her head. 

"While that's true, you and Raven have your grad party today. You've got people coming." 

"The only people showing up is my parents, the Blake's and a few people from class." 

"You still gotta get up, babe." 

Clarke groaned again and eventually rolled out of bed, making her way to the bathroom and leaving Lexa alone with her thoughts. 

The domesticated feeling wasn't new to her; she had felt it before. Especially with Clarke. But this particular moment made her think of what could happen if they lived together. Waking up next to Clarke every day, making breakfast with her. For the first time in a long while, Lexa had set a goal: to achieve that domesticated life with Clarke one day. 

And when she heard Clarke let out a shriek of "holy shit that's cold!" after the shower turned on, she knew that goal was one she definitely planned to achieve. 

\----

The graduation party was simple and casual. There were decorations of reds and greens -- the favorite colors of the grads -- ( "it looks like Christmas" - Octavia, " _you_ look like Christmas" - Raven ) and they had set up multiple tables in the backyard of Clarke and Raven's home. Lexa helped out as much as she could, but it was Jake who insisted that she relax because "she's a guest here on vacation". But Lexa helped anyways. People started showing up one by one, but she managed to stay calm with Clarke by her side. And that's what really mattered. 

She met Clarke's friends from her sophomore year; Monty and Jasper. She learned that Clarke had tutored Jasper in biology, and in turn met Monty because Jasper and Monty were best friends. Lexa found them easy to talk to, mostly because they weren't only fellow gamers ( aspiring youtubers ) but fans of her as well. They had fallen into a conversation about Minecraft builds ( a game that Lexa played to relax, not to film ) when Jake pulled Lexa away from the group. 

That was when her nerves kicked in. 

"So I'm sure you've seen this coming." He started, leading her back inside. 

Lexa nodded, swallowing and shoving her hands in her pockets. She had seen this coming since dinner the previous night. "Yes, sir." 

"None of that sir crap, makes me feel old. It's Jake, okay?" 

"Of course." 

"Now... I've never really had to give Clarke's significant others the talk. None of them have seemed worthy enough. But you... I can tell you're different by the way Clarke looks at you." He paused, "How do you guys plan on doing this long distance thing?"

"We... Skype, call, and when we get the chance visit each other. It's not the most ideal, obviously, but..." 

"Have you thought about moving to LA?" 

"I have. But it doesn't seem to be the best option for me right now. I have family and a duty in DC; being across the country makes that hard." 

Jake hummed, "What duty?" 

Lexa bit her lip; usually things involving Trikru remained private. It's why she never revealed her real name to the world. "Have you... ever heard of the Broadleaf clan?" She asked, looking over at him. 

Jake nodded, "I have. Someone I used to work with was a member of the tribe." 

"So... you know about the coalition? The thing that brought peace to the tribes long ago?" 

"Vaguely." 

"I'm... the Commander of the coalition. The most recent one, at least. The leader of Trikru. The coalition isn't really needed anymore, but that's the easiest way to explain it." She admitted, looking down. "And with our tribe primarily in Virginia, it's easier to be _Heda_ when I'm closer to the tribe." 

"That's very mature of you, Lexa." 

"So you're not mad that I'm... okay with long distance with Clarke?" 

Jake stepped forward, placing a hand on Lexa's shoulder. "Lexa, I know my daughter. And while I know it hurts the both of you to be away from each other for so long, love finds a way. Maybe being close to each other isn't what you need right now, and that's okay. You've got all the time in the world." 

Lexa paused, thinking. "I promise I would never hurt your daughter." 

"I know." 

"And you believe me?" 

"Lexa, anyone who went out of their way to surprise my daughter at her graduation has earned my blessing to date her. You're good for her." 

And with that, Jake patted her shoulder and walked back outside, leaving Lexa speechless. 

\----

Clarke looked down at the gift in her hands, face gaping in awe. It was a brand new HDLR camera, the one she had been wanting to save up for for so long. A graduation gift from her parents. "I... don't know what to say." 

"You don't have to say anything honey; it's your gift." 

She gave her thanks, and showed the camera to Octavia ( who, of course, was filming the event for the blonde ) before she took the camera from Octavia to show Raven opening her gift. 

Raven's mom had left Raven when she was in high school, claiming that Raven was old enough to take care of herself. That was when Abby and Jake took her in; treating her as if she were their own daughter. She opened her gift, revealing a new set of tools to replace her old, rusted ones. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough to bring Raven to tears and out of respect Clarke turned off the camera. 

The sun was setting behind them; the fire in front of them burning bright. A lot of people had already left, with only the core group ( and parents ) remaining. Clarke was curled up next to Lexa as Jake retold stories of Clarke and Raven in high school, and Lexa felt like she could get used to this. She was comfortable, she was happy, and the only thing that unsettled her moment was her phone ringing. 

Seeing it was Anya, she untangled herself from Clarke's hold and excused herself to the house. 

Abby leaned forward in her seat, looking over at Clarke who was looking longingly at the door. 

"You sure you know what you're doing, Clarke?" She asked, her voice sincere. 

"Yes, mom. I..." 

"I don't want you to rush into something." 

Clarke sighed. "I know. But... I'm happy. I'm happy with her. I'm glad that this is happening... I love her, mom." 

Abby nodded, knowing that she wouldn't win that argument. 

A few minutes passed and Lexa still hadn't returned. Thinking something was wrong, Clarke got up and walked into the house, coming up behind the girl who stood in the kitchen. She wrapped her arms around her and placed a kiss on her neck. 

"Then you turn right, and just keep driving until you see the big white truck. That's Bellamy's." Lexa told Anya, leaning back into Clarke, "See you soon." 

She turned around in Clarke's arms, placing her hands on the blondes waist. A smile appeared on her face at Clarke's confused expression, causing Lexa to peck her lips. "Anya's here." 

"What?" 

"Anya. She got the weekend off and flew in as soon as she found out." 

Clarke grinned, wrapping her arms around Lexa's shoulders. "Should we go tell Raven?" 

Lexa shook her head. "She's almost here. Let it be a surprise." 

 

Clarke hummed, moving closer. "I'm sure she'll love that surprise just like I loved yours." 

"So you really liked it?" 

"I loved it." 

"I love you." 

Clarke smiled. "I love you too." 

Lexa was about to lean in to kiss her when they were interrupted by a knock on the door. Lexa's eyes widened and she grinned, running to open it and let her sister inside. Immediately she hugged the girl, pulling her inside and towards the back of the house. She was ecstatic to see Anya, but she knew the reason why her sister had come out to California. 

"Look who's here." She announced, watching in awe as Raven jumped up from her seat and ran over to the them. Seeing one of her close friends so happy, and seeing the smile on her sister's face was worth it. To see that Anya could love, and let loose after all the years of watching over Lexa was worth it. 

It wasn't a lot. But they were all together again, and that's what mattered. 

What also mattered, was Clarke's reaction later that night when Lexa revealed the presents she had gotten for the blonde. One was a set of high quality paints and canvas, to help the blonde get back into her passion. But the biggest gift, while small in size was the one Lexa was the most nervous about giving her. 

They laid in Clarke's bed, the only light being from the small television on mute and Clarke's side table lamp. Lexa pulled the box from her bag and handed it to the blonde, watching intensely as she opened it.

It wasn't a lot. Something small, but something that meant a lot to the both of them. Inside the box was a charm bracelet, with charms that each represented their own things. 

"What do they mean?" Clarke asked. 

"The Stanford logo is for Stanford, obviously. The camera, because of YouTube.. the shooting star, because, while I don't know a lot about your friendship, you and the others have this.. Sky theme going on..." 

"And the Mickey ears?" 

Lexa smiled. "For me. And the weekend we first met." 

She could see the tears in Clarke's eyes and the unspoken words on the blondes lips, but instead of saying thank you Clarke merely slid the bracelet on her wrist, pulled Lexa to her and pressed their lips together. It was messy but passionate, with hands gripping at necks and shoulders and the feeling that they couldn't seem to get close enough. 

The kiss slowed down but grew heated, and it was Lexa that initiated it going further. It was Lexa whose hand dipped under Clarke's shirt, and it was Lexa who tugged on it until it came off. 

Clarke looked at Lexa, making sure it was okay. And Lexa nodded. And for the first time since Costia, Lexa gave herself up to the girl she was in love with. 

She kissed Clarke hard and took control, marveling in every touch as if it were the last time. Her touches were gentle, pushing and pulling with kisses on porcelain neck until she felt Clarke come undone under her. And when it was her turn, she was so overthrown with passion and love that her emotions couldn't handle it. 

And when she came, she cried. With Clarke's name on her lips, and tears in her eyes. 

\----

A few weeks later left Lexa in D.C. again, a few days after Aden passed his second trial. He passed it with flying colors; his Trigdasleng tongue so fluent that Lexa would have assumed he spoke it since birth. She was so proud of him and after his trial took him for ice cream, only to have him join her for half of her livestream the next day. 

She did it every year on that day. May 29th -- the day that haunted her. It was the day that Costia died. While it seemed to get easier every year, it still hurt the same. She could still remember how it felt, calling Costia's name over the bannister. But every year on May 29th she livestreamed a part of Costia's favorite game -- _The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time._ And she'd relive the memories with the fans that were dedicated enough to watch the whole thing. It lasted a few hours, but after each livestream Lexa felt a little better knowing that Costia would be happy with how Lexa was coping. She wasn't moping in her room anymore; she was being productive. And that's what mattered. 

After she finished the livestream, she took the saved footage and started to immediately export it to her editing software where she'd edit it down into parts and post it to her channel. She didn't do this every year with this particular stream, but this time she wanted to. She wanted to remember it. If not because of the game itself, but because of where she was when she held that stream. She was happy, and in love, and part of her hoped that Costia approved of Lexa's choice with Clarke. It may not have been healthy to think that way, but it helped. 

It was late that night when Anya came into her room, a stoic expression on her face. Lexa knew her sister well enough to gather what Anya was feeling based on how her eyes were. They were trying to be void of emotion, but Lexa could see the hints of sadness and concern. The video was immediately forgotten about and she turned in her chair to face her. 

Something was wrong. 

She had heard her sister's phone go off an hour ago and hadn't heard from Anya since. The apartment had gone quiet. 

"That was Octavia..." Anya started, her eyes focused on the circles that covered Lexa's comforter. 

Lexa wondered why Octavia had contacted Anya. 

"Is everything okay?" 

She was starting to get worried. If Octavia had contacted Anya and it produced this expression, that meant that something may have happened to Raven. 

Or Clarke. 

(She hoped it was neither. She _prayed_ it was neither.) 

She could feel her heart starting to beat out of her chest. 

Anya still hadn't spoken. 

"Lex.. Clarke, Raven and Jake were in a car crash." 

She didn't remember recovering from the panic attack that ensued immediately after.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp. That's been planned since roughly the third chapter or so. Didn't intend for their first time to happen in the same chapter though. Don't worry... no gays were harmed in the making of this chapter.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aftermath of the crash. Lexa comes clean. Anya gets demanding. And if you look closely, some fluff ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _Wow_. Almost every comment saying that they didn't want Jake to die. I'll admit; that was originally what was going to happen and I had this plot line based around it. Nevertheless, I'm a sucker for making my readers happy and I made some adjustments. Hopefully this chapter turned out okay; it's a little all over the place but it was written when I was in the middle of high anxiety. It's when I feel like my writing flows best.

Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. She heard people talking to her, heard Bellamy trying to get her to smile, but it was like every emotion fled her body leaving her exhausted from trying to keep up. Her eyelids were heavy, her heart was slow. They had been that way since Lexa got on the first flight to Los Angeles. 

She remembered Anya saying that they were leaving. She remembered Indra's concern, Aden's worry. Nyko and Gustus driving them to the airport. She remembered Octavia and Bellamy picking them up and taking them to the hospital. But it all seemed to be so distant, despite it only being a matter of hours. She felt numb. 

The first person she had seen in the hospital was Abby. Being the emergency contact for the three in the crash, she was first to hear about everything. She explained what happened to Octavia, Bellamy and Anya, but Lexa couldn't hear her. All she could make out was "okay", "concussion" and "leg". But she couldn't decipher what went with who. 

Soon she found herself slumped in the waiting room chair, guided by Anya. She tried to look around but everything was blurry. The nightmare kept replaying in her head; the one where Clarke had taken Costia's place. Lexa couldn't lose her; not now. Not today of all days. Not when-- 

She checked the time. 

Eleven thirty two. 

Ten years and two minutes ago Costia jumped. 

Lexa couldn't breathe. 

She gripped Anya's hand and stood, squeezing it once more before she left them in the waiting room. 

"Is Lexa okay?" Octavia asked, watching as the brunette left the room. 

Anya sighed, shaking her head. "No. She's not. It's... a really bad day for her." 

Bellamy looked between the two, noticing the tension. After rubbing his hands on his jeans he stood, going to follow Lexa. 

"If she left its for a reason, Bell." Octavia stated. 

"I'm just going to check on her. I don't..." He ran a hand through his hair, "I don't think she should be alone right now." 

He looked to Anya for confirmation, and she nodded. If she wasn't so shaken up herself she'd have followed her sister. 

The hospital was quiet. The only thing Bellamy could hear as he walked was his own footsteps and soft beeping coming from various machines. It was enough to drive him nuts if he were to stay any longer than what he needed. He slipped his hands into the pockets of his jacket, fiddling with his keys until he got to the entrance of the hospital. 

That's where he found her. 

Curled up against the wall Lexa sat, her head buried in her knees. It didn't take a rocket scientist to know she was crying based on the muffled sobs. He knew she was scared. He was too. 

He walked over to her and dragged his feet to let her know he was approaching. He didn't know a lot about people with anxiety, but he knew better than to suddenly touch someone when they were panicking. Bending down, he watched her until she looked up at him. 

Green eyes were filled with tears and in the short amount of time he knew her, Bellamy had never seen Lexa so distraught. Without a word he held out his hand, helping her up. 

"I'm not going back inside." She whispered, and he nodded. He understood why. 

"We're not going back inside." 

Lexa looked at him, confusion covering her face. 

"Let's go for a walk." 

They walked out of the parking lot, past his truck and off hospital grounds. It was there that they stopped, a short walk was all they needed as he sat down in the grassy field. Lexa quickly realized the reason for the walk as Bellamy pulled out a pack of cigarettes, lighting one up. 

"Don't tell Octavia." He mumbled, a smirk appearing on his face. 

The brunette watched as he took a long drag, the smoke dissipating in the windy night. Just watching him perform the action calmed her, but out of curiosity she took his pack in her hand, pulling one out for herself. 

She never really smoked. Only did it once or twice with other youtubers who did when they were overly stressed. It was enough to make her not cough up a lung when she took a drag. 

"She's going to be okay." He said softly, looking over at her. "Just a few bruises and a concussion. Doc said she should wake up in a few hours... they sedated her because she was in hysterics. Jake's okay, he was in the backseat." 

Lexa nodded, a sigh of relief leaving her lips. 

"Can't say the same for Raven, though." 

Her heart sank, but instead of panicking she took another drag. 

"They took her immediately into surgery. Apparently..." he paused, letting the smoke float out of his mouth again. "She got the brute of it. Some asshole hit them head on... Clarke was saved by the airbag but Raven's didn't deploy..." 

"Is she..."

"Her leg's fucked, Lex." 

Lexa crossed her legs in front of her, letting the silence wash over them. She looked up at the sky, hoping, _praying_ that if there was a God, that he'd help Raven. That things were going to be okay. 

"I..." Lexa shook her head. "Costia died tonight."

He quirked an eyebrow, looking at her. 

"She was..." She sighed, "My first love. Jumped off the bridge connecting the national mall and Arlington." Looking down at the halfway finished cigarettes, she paused. "It's been ten years. And for half a second, I didn't know if Clarke would be okay or not. She's... she's saving me, Bell. Helping me. But if she..." she couldn't finish that sentence. "I would just be falling back down that hole." 

Bellamy nodded, understanding. "But... she's okay. That's what matters, right?" 

Lexa nodded, swallowing thickly. "Maybe. But that doesn't mean that I'm not scared. Bellamy I live across the country. What if something happens again? What if I'm not able to fly out here or her to me? What if..." 

As she started to ramble, Bellamy sighed. "Lexa you can't spend forever focusing on the what ifs. Clarke's okay, Raven's going to be. Don't worry about what's going to happen in the future, be grateful for the now." 

"But..."

"Lexa." He took a long drag, "I understand. You're worried, you're anxious. But just breathe. Breathe and focus on what's right in front of you." 

Lexa nodded, falling into the silence. 

They finished their cigarettes and started the walk back inside, Lexa feeling a lot better than she did when she left. What mattered was that Clarke was okay. What mattered was that Jake was okay. 

What mattered was that Raven was going to be okay. 

Walking back into the hotel room, Lexa immediately fell into the arms of her waiting sister, holding her close. She knew the fear that Anya was having; the pain of not knowing. It was terrifying. 

They all sat in silence until Abby returned with more news. 

"They want to keep Clarke and Jake overnight to make sure there's nothing seriously wrong. As for Raven..." Anya held her breath, "She's still in surgery. They're doing all they can to save her leg, but from the looks of it..." The woman sighed, pushing her hand through her hair. "She may be paralyzed on her right side. The car is completely totaled... it's a miracle any of them got out alive." 

Lexa could tell that Anya was biting back her tears. That Anya was trying to stay strong, to focus on Lexa and the others. But when Lexa whispered to her, "it's okay to not be okay", Anya lost it. The tears fell freely and for the first time in a while Lexa was the one consoling Anya. Anya never cried. And if she did, she did it in private. That's just how Anya was. 

"I'm going to stay with them tonight... but you guys should go home and get some rest." Abby told them, and with that she turned and left the waiting room. 

"I have an extra key to Clarke and Ray's place... Bell and I can drop you off." Octavia told Lexa, the latter nodding. 

But the rest that night never came. When they got to the house Anya excused herself immediately to Raven's room, but it wasn't long before Lexa heard the muffled sobs coming from behind the door. Lexa, however, made her way slowly to Clarke's room. And she dug out one of Clarke's sweaters and settled into bed. Despite crying earlier, the numb feeling returned. She didn't know how to feel, how to cope. Even knowing Clarke was okay, it didn't help much. The fact that she was across the country, had to be told via a phone call, it killed her. 

She took out her phone and turned on the camera. It was time to focus on the now. 

"Hey guys... this is a rather.. _unconventional_ vlog." She started speaking, her voice monotone. "But I just... need to talk to someone. Because I feel... not okay right now and it's really late. Anya's sleeping." 

With a sigh she pushed her hair from her face, pulling the hood over her head. Clarke's scent overwhelmed her and she had that feeling of pain and fear coming back. "Something happened. And I'm trying... I'm trying so hard to be okay. And she... she's okay, but... I don't know if I'm okay. God, this is all over the place..." she shifted on the bed, crossing her legs. "Clarke got into an accident. She and Raven..." She swallowed, closing her eyes hard. "And I'm in Clarke's room right now. I don't... I love her, you guys. I love her so much. And I just... I needed to talk. I needed to let this all out because.. yeah she's okay but.. I wasn't here. I wasn't here when she needed me. I wasn't here... I was across the freaking country." 

Pausing, she looked around the room. "I don't think there's going to be a new video for a while, you guys. I'm sorry, but this is... I need to figure stuff out. I need to be okay again. Please, please understand." 

She ended the video. And without thinking twice, she uploaded it. She'd deal with the consequences of it the next day. 

Sleep never came that night. 

\----- 

The hospital was quite busy for being a Tuesday morning. Lexa walked alongside Anya, who seemed as sleep deprived as Lexa. Octavia and Bellamy didn't look any better. They met Abby in the lobby, who took them up to Clarke's room before leaving to check Clarke and Jake out. Octavia, Bellamy and Anya stayed in the hallway, allowing Lexa to be the first to see Clarke. 

Upon stepping into the room, her heart broke at the sight. Clarke's face was bruised; mixes of purples and dark blues on the side, close to her eye in a curved line. Lexa could only assume that her head hit the steering wheel. She could see further bruising peeking out from the hospital gown going across her left shoulder; the impact of the seatbelt. There was a soft beeping in the room; the heart monitor that told Lexa that Clarke was still alive. She took in the IV hooked to her girlfriend's arm; the way she slept soundly on the hospital bed. She didn't look comfortable; stiff. 

She stepped forward into the room, leaning against the side of the bed. Carefully she pushed a strand of hair from Clarke's face, looking at how peaceful, yet broken the blonde seemed. Lexa would give anything to trade places with the girl. 

"I wish I could take your pain away..." She whispered, sighing to herself. She pulled the nearby chair closer to the bed, taking a seat as she took Clarke's hand in her own. She squeezed it gently, half expecting the girl to squeeze it back. She wanted her to squeeze it back. 

She had to remind herself that Clarke was only sleeping. 

She remained there, holding Clarke's hand and just watching the girl until Clarke's eyes blinked awake. Green eyes met blue and Lexa smiled softly. 

"Good morning, sleepyhead." 

"Lex..." Clarke whispered; voice hoarse. "You're here..." 

"Yeah baby..." She squeezed her hand again. "I'm here. You..." She let out a soft, breathy laugh. "You gave me quite a scare." 

"I'm sorry..." 

"Don't be sorry." 

Lexa brought their hands up to her lips, kissing the back of Clarke's pale one. 

"What about..." 

"Jake's okay." 

"Raven?" 

Lexa sighed, looking down at her lap. "Raven... She..." 

\-----

"Paralyzed?" Anya asked, her heart dropping in her stomach. "What do you mean paralyzed?" 

"They tried everything they could. They could amputate it--"

"No. No way. That's not happening." 

"--But it would just cause more complications. But, the surgery went well. She may not be able to feel things there right now, but with physical therapy, and time, she could begin to regain feeling." 

"How much time?" 

Abby looked down, shaking her head. "That can't be determined right now, Anya. 

"So what, she's not going to be able to walk anywhere? What about her job? What about the new place?" 

Octavia stepped in, "Bell said he'd switch with Ray. He'll take her room upstairs and she can have the master bedroom downstairs so it's easier for her." 

"Octavia you _know_ she's not going to be happy about that." 

"What else do you want us to do?" 

"I don't know--" Anya huffed, turning back to Abby. "When can I see her?" 

"She's being moved to her own room soon. I'll come get you when she's settled." 

Anya slumped back down in her seat, crossing her arms. She had so many emotions right now, but most of all she was scared. Scared that Raven would push her away. Scared that she wouldn't be able to help in any way. God, did she feel helpless. Raven had grown on her, the girl meant so much to Anya and she wasn't sure how she'd be able to handle being away from her. 

Pulling out her phone, she went to send a text to Lexa but got sidetracked by a notification -- 

" ** _CommanderHeda has uploaded a new video:_** _Something bad has happened._ "

Shaking her head at her sister's antics, she sent the text. 

_**Anya:** We need to talk._

\-----

"So... she's..." 

"I don't know, Clarke. I..." 

Lexa's phone went off and she checked it, biting her lip as she responded to Anya. 

"What's going on?" 

"It's Anya, we... she has to talk to me..." Lexa stood. 

"Lex..." 

"I'll be right back, okay?" She kissed Clarke's cheek gently and left the room, getting a bad feeling. 

\-----

"You want to tell me why you decided to spontaneously out yourself to the entire world?"

Lexa folded her arms around herself, looking down. "It was a spur of the moment--" 

"A spur of the moment that you told Clarke you weren't ready for, Lex. Not only did you out yourself but you shared something with the world that Clarke may not have been ready for." 

"I know, but Anya--"

"I want to move to LA." 

Lexa froze. "What?" 

"You heard me. I want to move out here." 

"Anya..." 

"She's paralyzed, Lex. She... She needs me here. I can't.. I can't live knowing that she's here suffering while we're across the freaking country." 

Lexa shook her head and sat down, running her hand through her hair. "Don't I get a say in this?" 

"I don't think you do." 

"Anya we can't just--" She glanced around, grateful that the waiting room was empty. "We can't just up and leave. Not when Aden's trail is happening. Not when Gustus and Nyko's wedding is in a few months. Not when I've finally gotten settled in Minneapolis. Not when--" _Not when I'm finally feeling content._

"Who said you had to come with me?" 

Lexa looked up at her sister, eyes wide. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. "You can't be serious. Anya, I _need_ you--" 

"And so does Raven." Anya sat down next to Lexa, turning towards her. "Lex, she won't be able to walk on her own. According to the doctors she'll be lucky if she'll be able to walk again after physical therapy. And I _know_ that being away from Clarke is killing you." 

Lexa squeezed her eyes shut, bringing her knees to her chest. Being in LA _would_ be beneficial. More opportunities, being closer to Clarke. Having the ability to be able to see the friends she's made all the time. The pros outweighed the cons in this sense. 

But moving to LA meant being further away from home. No more spontaneous late night trips back to the comfort of her childhood home. No more red eye flights hours before she had to be home in time for her duties. 

She was torn. 

"Can I at least think about it? Please?" 

Anya nodded and stood, leaving Lexa alone in the room. 

Lexa wanted to escape her thoughts. They were yelling at her, telling her to take the chance. To be spontaneous. To live in the moment and not think about the consequences. 

Consequences. 

She checked her video from the previous night; comments continuing to flood in as the view counter spiked. 

_  
"I KNEW IT!"_

_"Heda and Clarke? So hot."_

_"Hope they're okay :("_

_"Should've known you'd turn out to be a dyke. Consider me unsubscribed."_

__

They were a mix of good, bad and concerned. But all Lexa could see was the bad. 

And she cried again. 

But this time, Bellamy didn't show up to save her from her thoughts. 

\-----

When Jake and Clarke were checked out, the gang decided to go get food while Anya and Abby stayed with Raven. Anya was determined to see her when she woke up after surgery, but Abby didn't want the girl to wait alone. So the rest promised to return with food, but made their way to a diner a few blocks away. 

"So, I got a pretty interesting notification on my phone..." Bellamy started, popping a fry into his mouth. 

Lexa felt sick. This wasn't how she planned for it to come out. 

"What was it, Bell?" Octavia asked. 

"A little bird coming out of the closet and giving an update on her girlfriend's accident..." 

Lexa looked down, despite feeling the eyes on her. She felt Clarke's hand appear in her lap and bit hard on her lip. 

"Lexa?" It was Jake, who spoke first after that. 

"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to tell everyone about what happened. I was... I was upset, and scared and I just needed to vent and it seemed like a good idea at the time but I know it wasn't--" 

"Lexa, it's okay. I was going to have Octavia post something to my channel later anyways... it's okay. Really." 

"You're not... mad?" 

She could feel her heartbeat racing. She thought she had really messed up. 

"No, babe... I'm not mad at all. I'm glad that you came out." Clarke smiled and leaned over, giving her a kiss. And it felt natural. Domesticated. It made Lexa think further about what would happen if she and Anya did move to LA. 

Maybe the idea wasn't so bad after all.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> UPDATED CHAPTER. Lexa and Clarke have a talk. Lexa returns home for a bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. I know you all were expecting this to be a new chapter, but unfortunately it isn't. Chapter 21 will hopefully be coming shortly. As for chapter 20, I completely rewrote the the last chapter and fleshed it out compared to the train wreck that was the last chapter. It wasn't my best writing; it was rushed and it didn't flow well at all. Felt really forced. I feel a lot better about this one compared to the last one and I hope you all agree with me. This story still has a lot in store for it, so I hope you all bare with me while I work through any potential kinks that come into play.

Raven was allowed to go home roughly a week after the crash once she was healed enough to walk with the help of crutches. Anya wanted to stay by her girlfriends side, and with Lexa not having anything planned for the upcoming week she stayed as well ( not to mention how, despite what Abby said the doctors told her, she was worried about her own girlfriend ). As to be expected, Raven wasn't happy with the room switch with Bellamy but after trying to walk up the stairs once she reluctantly complied, if anything just to make her friends happy. Anya tended to her side and helped her when she could, and Raven appreciated it despite her wanting to be independent. 

The same couldn't be said for Clarke and Lexa, however. 

It seemed that with even the smallest of things, Lexa was trying to do them for Clarke. Things like running the bath, making food and even changing movie discs when they had mini marathons with the rest of the crew. It didn't go unseen by the others, but it was when Clarke mentioned having a headache and Lexa almost insisted they go back to the ER that Clarke had had enough. 

"Lexa, you need to _relax_. I'm _fine_ , the doctors even said that there's nothing wrong anymore." 

"But Clarke, concussions are unpredictable and-- "

"Can you stop _hovering_ for just a moment and let me be?!" Clarke snapped, running her hands through her hair. Lexa stood there, looking as if someone had told her her dog died. 

"I'm just trying to help, Clarke. I..." 

"But you're helping with things I can do entirely on my own. I get it, it was traumatic for you, but it was even _more_ traumatic for me. Raven almost _lost her leg_ and I was the one driving. I'm _lucky_ that nobody died!" 

"I'm not... I'm not trying to hover, but concussions are unpredictable and I can't -- I can't stand the idea of losing you like..." 

"Like what?" 

Lexa shook her head, crossing her arms over her chest. She didn't want to think about Costia. She didn't want to imagine losing Clarke the way she lost Costia; her nightmare returning in the back of her mind. Movement at the threshold of the kitchen made the tension in the room known; the two girls turning towards the individual. 

"Everything okay in here?" Bellamy asked, slowly stepping into the room. 

"Everything's fine." 

Bellamy looked to Lexa and he could tell that things weren't. She looked afraid; panicked. He looked over at Clarke, seeing her annoyed expression but also the hint of concern hiding behind her eyes. 

"It doesn't sound like everything's fine, Clarke."

"She says I'm hovering. I... I didn't mean to, but I... concussions are unpredictable, _anything_ could happen and I-- I can't..."

"You don't want to lose her, too. I understand, Lex." Bellamy commented, stepping over to Lexa. 

"What are you talking about?" Clarke asked, looking between the two. 

"I..." Lexa sighed, looking down and holding herself tighter. "Costia." 

"So he knows?" 

"Clarke --" Bellamy tried. Clarke shook her head. 

"No, Bell. I keep hearing about this Costia girl but I don't know anything about her. It seems like _everyone_ knows about her but me, and _I'm_ supposed to be your girlfriend, Lexa! What the hell? Who is she?" 

Lexa looked at Bellamy, almost for guidance, but he only nodded his head. "You can do this, Lex. I'll leave you two alone." 

"She was... the most important person to me. For a short while, at least." Lexa sighed, placing her hands on the table. "We were young... About... ten years ago? Ten years ago..." 

Clarke's eyes filled with concern as she stepped forward, placing her hand next to Lexa's on the table. "What happened?" 

Lexa was staring intently at the table. She didn't feel ready; didn't feel like it was time. But she had to do this; so she forced herself to. "We were together for... a short amount of time. Kind of long, but..." she sighed, swallowing her fear and squeezing her eyes shut. Her anxiety was creeping up her spine but she tried to push it down. "She... killed herself. Jumped off a bridge. I... never saw it coming." 

Clarke was silent a moment. She wanted to bring Lexa into her arms; wanted to hold her but based on the way Lexa started shaking, it wasn't time. "Lexa, do you... do you blame yourself for what happened?" 

Lexa's silence was enough of an answer for Clarke. 

"Lexa..."

"I'm trying. I'm trying... _so_ hard to move past it. But that was the worst thing to ever happen to me. I... I never recovered from it. I can't make friends easily now because... I'm afraid that things will get bad again. I'm afraid I won't see the signs, that I'll fail you all like I failed Costia. She was... I _thought_ she was my person. Her dying... it broke me."

Hearing Lexa speak calmed Clarke down from her anger. She understood now how hard it must have been to talk about such a thing happening. She had experienced something close; as of late she had been blaming herself for what happened with Raven and Jake. But they didn't die; they only had something to work through. A bump in the road. But Lexa... Clarke couldn't even imagine what the girl was going through. It was something that even Clarke couldn't fully help her with. And she didn't know what to do now. 

"Lexa, how are you supposed to love me when you can't forgive yourself for what happened with Costia?" 

The question Clarke asked surprised even herself. She didn't remember saying it, but the look on Lexa's face showed her that she had. 

"So I'm not allowed to move on by falling in love with someone else? I'm supposed to suffer in silence and force myself to get better when all I can think about is her? Clarke..." Lexa sighed, turning towards the girl. "When I met you... it changed things. I... I was looking forward to... to going outside my house. To trying new things, to... making experiences, the way that Costia would have wanted. When I kissed you I didn't even think about it; I didn't over analyze it like I do with everything else --" 

She placed a hand on Clarke's shoulder. Clarke could feel how violently she was shaking. 

"You are helping me get better by just being _you_." 

Feeling Lexa's hand on her shoulder; the loose grip that she knew came from her anxiety and fear; it made Clarke feel a little better about this conversation. But she still felt helpless. 

"Lexa..." 

"Please, Clarke. Don't... don't do this, okay? I'm getting better, I'm... I'm doing so much better than I was doing..." 

"Lex." 

"I'll -- I'll move out here. I'll start going to therapy, I'll talk to a psychiatrist--"

"Lexa." 

"I'll--"

"Babe!" 

Lexa looked frightened. "Please don't break up with me." 

Clarke furrowed her brow, "You thought I was going to break up with you?" 

Lexa nodded. Clarke sighed. 

"No, Lex... I'm... We're okay. I just... I have one request, okay?" 

"Anything." 

"Please take down the video. I love that you came out and all, but... I can't handle so many people that keep asking me if I'm okay. I'm proud that you came out, but... I'm going to be honest here, I would have liked it a lot more if you kept the accident out of it." 

Lexa nodded. Clarke could see the wave of shame that washed over her. 

"I know. I was thinking about deleting it; making a new video..." 

Lexa's thoughts were cut off by her phone ringing. Seeing who it was, she pecked Clarke's cheek then headed outside to answer it. 

Clarke watched as she walked away, sighing as she leaned against the counter. 

"She was right, you know." 

The blonde turned towards the voice, seeing Anya in the threshold. 

"What?" 

"She's been getting better since she met you. I can see it. It used to be horrible to get her on a plane, we used to have to drive from Minneapolis to D.C. every time we had to go down there. But the moment she heard you were in a crash... she was the one who bought the tickets. Even if she doesn't remember it." 

Clarke licked her lips and looked down at her hands. 

"You're helping her, Clarke. More than you think." 

"How long were you standing there?" 

"Not very long." Anya smirked, finally walking into the kitchen. "Raven wanted some water." 

They sat in silence for a moment before Lexa returned, shaking her head. "I'm leaving." 

"What?" Clarke asked, confusion painting her face. 

Lexa walked over to her, placing her hands on Clarke's waist but turning her attention towards Anya. " _That was Indra. Ontari Queen is in town and demands to speak to me. Something about Nia_." 

Anya nodded, looking between the two. " _Am I required as well?_ " 

Lexa shook her head. " _It isn't something to bring the whole tribe around for. Heda duties._ "

Anya nodded and went to leave the kitchen, patting Lexa's shoulder as she left. 

"What is it?" 

"Stuff at home. It... won't take too long, I assure you." 

Clarke frowned. "It's going to suck not having you here, especially after the conversation we just had..." 

"It'll be okay. I'll be back in time for VidCon, okay?" 

Clarke nodded, and after Lexa kissed her lips followed her up the stairs to help her pack. 

\--------

"What do you mean she's dead?" Lexa asked, narrowing her eyes at Ontari. "We didn't even get notice that Nia was sick." 

"We didn't find it necessary. Especially with a traitor in your midst." 

Lexa pinched the bridge of her nose, shaking her head. "Roan has nothing to do with this." 

"To hell he does! He blackmailed my mothers company and fled like a coward only to switch to _Trikru_ because he knew he wouldn't be handed the business." 

"Ontari this is about Nia. And if you hate _Trikru_ and our values so much, why bother coming to me when you about your mothers death?" 

Lexa watched as Ontari's resolve started to break. "It was my mothers wish. Her death was enough of a press event in Vermont; she wanted the funeral to take place elsewhere. Besides... as she put it, the only person that would be able to easily put her to rest was you." 

Lexa wasn't buying this for a second. "Are you sure we're talking about the same Nia Queen? The woman who almost _killed me_ days before my ceremony for the sake of _you_ becoming _Heda_?"

Ontari scoffed, clearly annoyed. "Yes. I know it sounds ridiculous. But you of all people should know that the only way to successfully move into the City of Light its by holding a ceremony performed by _Heda_." 

Lexa sighed, knowing that Ontari was right. It was the only way. Reluctantly, she had no other choice but to agree. "Fine. But on one condition." 

Ontari nodded. 

"You are the only _Azgeda_ to attend." 

\-------

Nia Queen's funeral was emotionally and physically exhausting to Lexa. It being so last minute, she had to rush to get everything ready. It took place a few days later, once the body was cremated and transported, but even then it seemed like Ontari would not leave her alone. Question after question was thrown at her, comments about her career of choice and how she was leading the coalition despite it being modernized and almost disbanded. It got to the point where Lexa felt the only way to get alone from the woman was to potentially behead her. 

"She just doesn't know when to shut up." Lexa ranted, sitting on the couch across from Lincoln who was nursing a beer in his hand. When Lexa had told him what was happening, the first day he had off he made the drive to his childhood home.

"All the Queen's are like that, Lex. Hell half the time I want to smack Roan upside the head." 

She was waiting for nightfall to begin the ceremony. Given that Nia was _Azgeda_ , it was only going to be herself and Ontari. It was almost a selfish decision, demanding that Ontari be the only of her clan to attend, but given the past between _Azgeda_ and _Trikru_ it was the only way to avoid a war. 

"I just can't wait until she's gone. I left Clarke for this -- she's lucky I didn't say no." 

" _Heda_ isn't like that." 

"Don't remind me." 

Lexa sighed, hesitating before taking a sip of his drink. 

"How are you and Clarke, anyways?" 

Lexa hummed, looking at her lap. "We're okay. I... told her about Costia, before I left." 

"How'd she take it?" 

"Okay... she asked me a question, though, that I can't stop thinking about." 

Lincoln quirked a brow. 

"How am I supposed to love her, when I can't get over Costia?" 

Lincoln nodded. "Are you going to do anything about that?" 

Lexa smiled softly; "I have a therapy session scheduled for tomorrow morning. I... want to try and get better. Really try this time." 

Her cousin smiled at her; "I'm proud of you, Lex." 

When it came down to the ceremony, Lexa led Ontari to the bonfire pit and sat the woman down across from the throne. She lit the fire herself, despite tradition where the Aden would, but she didn't want to include him on this. He knew of the past between the two clans, but it was better if he was left in the dark with this one. 

( That didn't stop him from watching from his window, however. Even if he couldn't see that well. ) 

Clearing her throat, Lexa was set to begin the ceremony when --

"What the hell is _he_ doing here?" Ontari exclaimed, causing Lexa to look behind her chair. Roan was quickly approaching in a jog, visibly out of breath when he arrived. 

"She was my mother too, Ontari." 

"She didn't want a _traitor_ here!" 

"Haven't you moved past that?" 

"No, and neither did she --" 

"Enough!" 

The feuding siblings both looked at Lexa, both having more to say but knowing better than to speak out of term. 

"You both will sit down. And you both will partake in this ceremony. If you do not, the ceremony will cease to continue and Nia will _not_ go to the City of Light." 

The two nodded, sitting side by side and putting away their differences for the moment. Lexa felt powerful in that moment, continuing the ceremony with pride. 

\-------

"You said she would be here in time for VidCon, right?" 

"Yes! Lincoln sent me a text saying she was leaving. She should be here at any moment." 

"How long do flights from D.C. to California take?" 

"Clarke, just be patient. She'll be here soon." 

Clarke groaned, flopping down on the couch. She didn't want to be patient; she had missed Lexa since the moment the girl left. It felt like time was moving at an agyonizily slow pace, like it was just taunting her. It was horrible. 

During the time that Lexa was gone, life had continued on in the Blake-Reyes-Griffin household. Raven had continued with physical therapy, and was slowly working her way around the house more easily on her own with the help of crutches. Anya knew she was moving too quickly, but seeing the look of pride and happiness on her girlfriends face was enough to allow her to do what she pleased ( mostly because every time Raven fell, she was there to catch her ). 

It was the day before VidCon. They were all packed for day one; all they were waiting for now was their last member of their usual "squad" and for VidCon to begin. As per guessed, Clarke was the most impatient. 

"What time is it?" 

"Clarke it's literally been two minutes since you last asked." 

"Give her a break, O. She wants to see her girlfriend." 

"You're just excited because your gamer buddy will be back." 

"Point made." 

It was when Clarke gave in and suggested they watch a movie when the doorbell rang. She sprung to her feet and all but ran to the front door, confusion spreading her face when it wasn't Lexa on the other side. 

"Lincoln?" 

"Hey, Clarke." 

"Where's Lexa?" 

He smiled, stepping to the side to reveal the brunette, who was immediately tackled in a hug by her girlfriend. He chuckled, stepping inside and leaving them be. 

Octavia was the first to notice the man stepping into the house. She grinned, eyes lighting up and exclaimed, 

"Oh! She brought the hot relative!" 

Only to be met with a smack on the shoulder by Anya.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa's return to LA. Start of VidCon 2017, and a Clexa date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know. I haven't updated in a month and I'm sorry about that. Fact is, I really struggled with the motivation after the whole chapter 20 switcharoo. Different opinions on the chapter made me have mixed feelings and doubting my capabilities to really tell a story. I'm trying my hardest here, folks. Planned chapters get altered by things I forgot I had already put, new ideas come and replace the OG plan. I've got some ideas for the next few chapters; hell I've been thinking about turning this story into a series and ending off this part. Only time will tell, I suppose. 
> 
> Anyways, enough of my rambling. This chapter is a little on the shorter side and I struggled, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless.

As soon as Lexa and Lincoln were settled in, the gang spent an easy night in watching movies and ordering pizza to really kick off their VidCon weekend. By the end of the night, Bellamy had passed out in his chair, Octavia had retreated back to her room, Raven had her head on Anya's shoulder and Clarke had fallen asleep with her head in Lexa's lap, the latter playing with the blonde's hair. The movie credits played on and Anya turned towards Lexa, hitting the mute button. 

"So... not to be rude, but, why did you bring Lincoln?" She asked, breaking the silence. 

Lexa hummed, looking over at her cousin. "I... know Raven didn't want to go tomorrow, because of her brace and all, so... I figured he could come with me. Use your pass and I can have someone with me that actively knows how I am around crowds." 

"What about Clarke?" Raven asked, tiredly. 

"She knows, but.. you remember how I was last year. I ended up having to leave a panel because I was too anxious. Clarke helps, a lot actually, but...." 

"Family is different?" 

Lexa smiled at Raven, "Yeah. And... I've thought about it, Ahn, and... maybe while we're out here this time, we could look at places nearby..?"

"So you've thought about moving?" 

Lexa nodded. "Yeah. It'll.. it'll be hard, but maybe the change is what I need. A new location, change of pace." 

Anya nodded, linking hands with Raven. "I'm proud of you, _striksis_." 

"Do you guys need a roommate?" Lincoln asked from his side of the couch. 

Lexa and Anya looked at each other, then back at their cousin with a smile on their face. "I think that'll be lovely, Linc. What about your job?" Lexa asked. 

"I was thinking about getting a transfer. With all the newbies coming in I'd be getting less hours anyways, and as much as I love my parents... I gotta explore, y'know?" 

Anya nodded. "I see. I think we can figure something out." 

Lincoln grinned, and the night carried on with the four of them still awake watching one more film before they all passed out in the living room, the credits rolling on without them. 

\------

Day one of VidCon 2017 went off without a hitch. Anya and Raven saw them off that morning with coffee and bagels, and then the five of them piled into Bellamy's truck, on their way to Anaheim. Lexa was nervous; it was her first time speaking at a panel. And even the calming orchestra music coming out of Octavia's speakers ( upon Lexa's request; an attempt to help calm her ) wasn't helping her a lot. All she could think about was the way things could potentially go wrong. What if she stuttered? What if her answers to questions wasn't good enough for the people who asked? What if the power went out and they were thrown into darkness, surrounded by chaos? What if--

"Lex?" 

She looked to her left at Clarke, who was tapping her shoulder. "Hm?" 

"I asked if you were excited." 

"Yeah, totally." She lied, looking back out the window. 

It wasn't a complete lie. She _was_ excited, much like last year, but mostly for the sake of meeting her fans. Of interacting with them; learning more of their stories. She has foregone vlogging the experience this time; knowing that if she added the pressure of vlogging and maintaining footage throughout the day it would just make her anxiety harder. 

She thought about the methods that her therapist told her to do to help her calm down. Breathing; finding something solid to focus on. A moving vehicle didn't help much with that. How did she expect to get through the day without Anya if she could barely keep it together in the car? Buildings and people passed by outside the car, but to Lexa they came off as mere colors as she got lost inside her head. Her hands rubbed against her phone case; the slightly bumpy material giving her some sort of rock to keep her on the ground. 

Her hand was removed from her case and she looked down, seeing the porcelain hand linked with her own. 

"It's going to be okay." 

Lexa took a deep breath and nodded, squeezing her hand tightly. 

Things were going to be okay. 

\-------

The convention center was packed and if Lexa didn't know any better she would have assumed the Purge had begun based on the amount of screaming and running around she was witnessing. Last year it had been a little easier; she had Anya, she had a camera to distract her. Her face had barely been as recognizable as her name. But now? Now, she couldn't even get ten feet into the convention center before someone was running up to meet her. And they went through the back entrance. 

The boy seemed to be about fifteen. On the shorter side; lanky and small. His hair had streaks of green and blue going through the bangs. He was with two others around the same age as him; while Octavia wanted to shuffle them along ( with the help of security ), Clarke knew better than to rush Lexa when it comes to her fans. It seemed that the boys' friends were a little impatient; they didn't seem too interested in Lexa. But the boy she was talking to; it was clear that Lexa meant a lot to him. 

Clarke watched from afar. Watched the grin on Lexa's face grow twice the size as she listened to the boy speak. He seemed nervous, but excited as he rambled on. She could tell he was nervous by the way his hair fell in his face, and he kept pushing it to the side letting his eyes fall to the ground. Clarke herself had seen it quite a few times. They had stood there for what felt like hours ( it had only been about ten minutes ) when the duo ended their conversation, Lexa sending the boy on his way with a selfie and an autograph. When the brunette joined Clarke again, Clarke could sense that Lexa felt five times lighter than when they arrived. 

"Everything alright?" 

Lexa nodded. "Yeah... his name was Christopher. He... told me my video inspired him. To come out to his parents, and..." She sighed softly, looking at the ground. 

"What is it?" 

Lexa chewed her lip, looking back at Clarke. "I never expected my life to turn into this. To... become a role model. And now people are coming up to me saying that I influenced them making such a big decision, I... I don't know how to handle all of this." 

Clarke gave her a soft smile and gently kissed her cheek. "How about... we go out tonight. No parties, no friends... just us. A real date. Forget about everything for a little bit. Does that sound okay?" 

Lexa nodded, "That sounds great." 

"Great. Now let's get in there, Octavia is getting impatient and I don't think it'll leave a good impact on Lincoln if she starts getting rage-y." 

Lexa laughed and squeezed Clarke's hand, letting the brunette lead them into the center. 

\---- 

VidCon Day 1 went off with little difficulties. Lexa was able to openly speak at her panel; despite the stage fright she knew she had to do this for her fans. It was a big step for her and really, she was proud of herself when the panel was over. She knew Anya would be proud of her too. 

She was able to meet so many new fans, and even met up with fellow gamers who gave her some games she needed to try. In times when her anxiety was taking over, she found herself moving closer to Clarke, or during Clarke's panel she was attached to Lincoln's hip. 

After the day was over, Octavia and Bellamy wanted to go dancing like they did the previous year, but Clarke and Lexa declined because of their plans. Lincoln offered to go with them, to be there for Lexa, but Lexa sent him off with the Blake's to have fun. From the convention center Bellamy dropped the girls off at home, then the remaining three were off. 

Raven and Anya were holed up in Raven's room, and the girls opted not to disturb them. Clarke had told Lexa to dress in something comfortable, but not too classy. Lexa was in the dark about where they were going, but she trusted Clarke's judgement. 

They were stopped outside a Thai food takeout place. Clarke had gone inside, leaving Lexa in the car. Really, Lexa was curious as to what Clarke had planned on such short notice. It wasn't like she could plan out this huge day, but Lexa didn't mind. She was looking forward to spending time with Clarke. Especially after how hectic her life has been as of late. 

When Clarke returned and the smell of Thai was wafting through the car they were on their way to the undisclosed location. The longer they drove the more the scenery became familiar to Lexa, despite her being there only once before. 

"We're going to the beach?" The brunette asked, earning a smile from Clarke. 

"Yeah. I figured what more of a relaxing place than eating Thai food by the ocean at sunset?" 

Lexa smiled and took Clarke's hand. She wouldn't ask for any other way to end the night. 

\-----

"You know, this is the very location I met you almost a year ago today." Clarke commented, stabbing her food with her plastic fork. "I walked over to invite you and Anya to go out with my friends and I." 

"And by walk you mean stumble?"

"You saw that?"

"It was kind of hard to miss." 

They laughed, leaning against each other as they watched the sunset. Lexa set her food down and sighed, running her hand against the blanket they sat on. Clarke had pulled it out of her trunk, and when asked her response was "in case of emergencies." Lexa really felt lucky to be there with Clarke. As unconventional as their relationship may be, she was glad to be where she was. Even after everything with Costia, she was starting to feel happy again. 

"Remember when you asked me... how can I love someone when I can't get over Costia?" 

Clarke nodded. 

"I'm... I've been thinking about that. A lot, actually. And... I'm trying. I'm going to therapy... I need to switch my therapist to someone out here, but... I'm trying, Clarke." She said softly, looking down at her lap. "I... I want to be with you, Clarke. But I just need a little time. Time to... to learn how to let myself truly love again without being held back by Costia." 

Clarke gave her a look, "What are you saying?" 

"I'm saying that... if you're willing to help me... I want to start getting better. I need to do this, for myself. For us. I can start with my anxiety, and work my way up to my other fears. Are... are you willing to help me?" 

Clarke fell silent. The only sounds they heard was the waves in front of them, and the few other people a distance away on the beach. She took Lexa's hand in her own and brought it to her lips, kissing the back gently. "Of course." 

Lexa grinned. 

They finished their food with small talk and enjoying each other's company. When the sun was almost fully set, Clarke took Lexa's hand and stood. 

"What are you doing?"

"Just trust me." 

The blonde took off towards the water, pulling a laughing Lexa along the way. And they splashed in the water, their clothes getting soaked while sharing kisses in the sea. They stayed out there until the sun fully set, the stars being their new source of light. When the sea breeze picked up, sending a chill across both of them and leaving goosebumps in its wake; that's when they retreated back to the sand, collapsing against the blanket. 

They laid there, staring up at the stars with their hands laced together, enjoying their temporary serenity. 

"Clarke?" Lexa whispered. 

"Yeah?"

"Are we going to be okay?" 

Clarke looked at her, and for the first time she saw how truly vulnerable Lexa could be. And she nodded, and she kissed her softly, bringing Lexa into her arms. 

"Of course we are."


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of time jumps. A glimpse at Lexa's therapy sessions, touches on Lexa and Anya's life in LA, and ( finally ) the wedding of Nyko and Gustus. Also marriage talk and Lexa visits an old friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay guys, final chapter. I put a lot of thought into whether or not to end it here, but I figured anything left unsaid could be picked up in a potential sequel. I hope you all enjoyed the ride; I know I did. When I started this story I was in a fit of writers block; I never anticipated for it to be my most successful story, ever. So I thank you all for giving it the time of day. I'm still going to keep writing, and writing what I want to write. And I hope you all continue to follow my journey.

_**Friday, July 21st, 2017.** _

"Tell me, Lexa, when did the nightmares start to occur?" 

The brunette fidgeted in her seat. She hated therapy. She always had. But she knew she had to do this -- to get better. For herself, and for Clarke. More so for herself. The past half hour had been spent with Lexa spilling her guts about the last so many years since losing Costia. She had briefly mentioned the nightmares, so it was obvious that Tsing would choose that topic to linger on. 

"Roughly... a week after she jumped. I didn't sleep the first few days, really." 

"And when did they start to disappear?" 

Lexa thought about it; the time that she was able to get a decent amount of sleep without being haunted by what she felt was her fault. 

"Maybe... a year or two later, maybe a little longer. After someone first confided in me in a letter; not long after my channel grew in popularity." 

The story she had read from a fan had been one that always stuck with her. She still had the original letter in her box of keepsakes. It was one of the first pieces of fan mail that was sent to her. The fan had told Lexa their story about how they battled with depression and how watching Lexa's videos had helped them. It sparked something in Lexa; if she could be the light that people needed the most in a time of darkness, even if she was shrouded in darkness herself, then she would continue to do it. Just because she was suffering, didn't mean that she couldn't help people suffer less. 

"How did that help you?" 

Lexa didn't even have to think about it. "It made me realize that even though I was trapped in my mind, that I was helping other people. I... was giving them a reason to smile. To be happy again." 

Tsing nodded, jotting something down in her notebook. Lexa tried to not dwell on it too much. Thinking of it would make her panic, and she didn't want that. Not when things were going so well. 

Lexa had started seeing Dr. Tsing not too long after she, Anya, and Lincoln found a house. It was a small, three bedroom house, just around the corner from _Skaikru's_ place. It took some getting used to, but as Lexa sat in her third meeting with Tsing, Lincoln and Anya were moving stuff into their new home. The first meeting was simple. Getting to know each other, almost like a coffee meeting. The second was Lexa trying to warm up to Tsing, but it went horribly wrong when Lexa tried to go too fast, causing her to panic. But she was trying again. 

"Is that why you still make videos?" 

Lexa nodded again. "It's become something I love to do. Making people smile, playing video games... it's all I could ask for." 

They continued going back and forth, asking and answering until time is up. And Lexa felt like a giant weight had been lifted from her chest. She could do this. It was going to be slow and steady, but she could do it. 

\--------

**_Saturday, August 5th._ **

"Why did you insist on getting an entire new bed?"

"The one back home wasn't comfortable." 

"So you had to get a new bed frame on top of it?" 

"Lexa not everyone feels the need to sleep on a mattress on the floor." 

"That was one time!" 

"Yeah, one time for five months." 

Lexa huffed, readjusting her grip on the giant box as they lifted it up the stairs. It was the last thing they were moving into their house, and Lexa was happy to be done with the moving process. The new home was a lot to get used to, especially for her. The change in scenery was well needed, though. Now that they were closer to Los Angeles, Lexa felt a greater need to get out more. That, and her therapist suggested that Lexa pick up hiking as a way to keep her mind clear. Once she added Clarke into the mix, the brunette started becoming less and less of a homebody. Her video schedule went from almost four times a week to two, but she knew her fans didn't mind all that much. Her health always came first, and it gave her a lot more time to focus on herself. 

The sisters gave it one last huff, pushing it to the top of the stairs. Lexa left it, shaking her head as she leaned against the wall. Anya could push it the rest of the way. 

"Why did you choose the room upstairs again?" 

"More privacy." Anya shrugged, moving past Lexa to push the box into her room. 

Raven's physical therapy had been going a lot smoother than any of them anticipated. Once the woman realized that she'd have to cooperate in order to get better, she was working a lot harder. She was almost to the point of walking on her own with the brace. Anya was really proud of her. 

"So you're just going to carry Raven up the stairs?" 

Anya glanced at her, her expression stoic. "Yes." 

Lexa shrugged, placing her hands up. "Fair enough." She left Anya to her own devices, walking further down the hall to the last room. 

Foam squares lined the walls, leading to her new setup in the corner. It was a lot more space than just a computer in her living room -- now she had her own office. Two monitors, a pro-quality microphone, and the gaming keyboard she's been wanting for a while. She had set up the office in a moment of what Octavia called "retail therapy". It was the one requirement that Octavia ( and Bellamy ) suggested when the Woods' were getting decorations for the new house. While Lexa protested, she was very grateful for the idea as a whole. 

She ran her hand over the wooden desk, a sense of happiness washing over her. Two years ago, she would have never thought this would have happened. She would have protested against therapy, wouldn't have even thought about moving from her safe space. But she had one person to thank for that. 

And that one person was calling her now. 

"Hey, babe. I was just thinking about you." 

_"Aw, look at you being all gush-y."_

"Yeah, yeah." Lexa smiled, leaning against the chair. "What's up?"

_"The gang wanted to go out for dinner and wanted you and the fam to come with. You guys in?"_

Lexa hummed, but left her office and went back to Anya's room. "Want to go to dinner with _Skaikru_?"

Anya pushed a strand of hair from her face, glaring at Lexa. "You couldn't have asked before I started putting this together?" 

Lexa smirked. "Is that a yes?"

Anya sighed, "Yeah. I'll give Linc a call." 

"Clarke? We're in." 

_"Great! I'll text you the address."_

Lexa really never anticipated her life to turn out this way. She used to think that she'd live out her life inside, making videos day in and day out until her duties as _Heda_ called. She used to think that her anxiety wouldn't let her go out with friends; if she even had any. But now she had more than one, and a girlfriend on top of that. Something she didn't think she'd have after Costia. As she left Anya's room and headed downstairs to her own room, she came to realize how good change could really be. She was getting better; a lot better. And she was really happy about that. 

\-------

Dinner with friends went well. Laughs and stories were exchanged; plans for the week were discussed. Lexa planned a gaming collab with Bellamy on a game of his choosing, and Octavia talked Lexa into doing a house tour for her channel. Why Lexa agreed, she didn't know, but what she did know was that she didn't want to disappoint the younger Blake. So she complied, and by the end of the night everyone was going their separate ways. Bellamy, Anya and Raven decided to go bar hopping, while Lincoln followed Octavia home for a movie night ( she wasn't exactly sure when that became a thing, but she was just glad that her friend and cousin were happy ) and Clarke went home with Lexa. 

"Clarke?" Lexa asked from her bed, watching and Clarke started changing into her pajamas. 

"Yeah?" 

"How do you feel about marriage?"

Clarke furrowed her brow, turning towards the brunette. "What do you mean?" 

"Just... the idea of it all." 

"I don't know; I mean, my parents' marriage turned out fine. I don't think I'll be getting married anytime soon, though. Unless this is your proposal, to which I say yes." The blonde joked, pulling on a tank top. 

Lexa smiled. She wasn't against the idea of marriage, but she agreed with Clarke. She was a tad too young to be thinking about it just yet. 

"Nyko and Gustus' wedding is in a few weeks. I've just been thinking about what it'd be like to spend the rest of my life with someone; how it could be." 

"Well, I don't think it's a bad thing. Waking up next to the person you love the most in the world every day, knowing you made that commitment to each other. Getting to do all those sappy, romantic things for the rest of your life with the same person. I think it's sweet." Clarke explained, crawling up into bed with Lexa. 

"Oh, don't get me wrong. I love the idea. But I just... wouldn't it get hard?"

Clarke lifted Lexa's arm and rested her head on the girl's chest, wrapping Lexa's arm around her. "Probably. But wouldn't it be worth it?" 

Lexa let the question hang in the air. It would be worth it, she thought. Spending forever with one person. In her situation, the person would have to make _Heda_ happy. But when she was with Clarke, it was like all her insecurities faded away. As if her grandfather was speaking to her from the past, telling her that he approved of Clarke. And that's what mattered to Lexa. The way Clarke made her heart skip a beat. The way Clarke felt next to her, as if the blonde was a part of her. That's what mattered. 

"I think we'd make a great married couple." Lexa eventually commented, pulling the blanket over them both. 

"Are you sure you're not proposing, Lex?" 

Lexa smirked, placing a kiss on Clarke's cheek. "Maybe someday, babe." 

\-----

**_Saturday, September 9th, 2017._ **

For the entirety of his life, Lexa had never seen Aden look so handsome. He was dressed in dressy casual attire, but his _Natblida_ sash sat proudly along his shoulder. Nyko and Gustus wanted a casual wedding, one that was sleek, simple, and stuck to tradition. Lexa, however, preferred to wear what she was comfortable with given her status over the tribe. So she stood there, adjusting Aden's skinny tie, in her full _Heda_ attire. All that was missing was the armor. 

"Are you excited?" She asked him, smiling when he met her eyes. 

"Oh yeah. Gustus is great... I've always thought of him as a second dad." 

Lexa hummed, letting his tie fall flat. "Do you ever think about marriage?" 

"Lex, I'm way too young for that." 

Lexa chuckled. "Not now, _strikbro._ I meant when you're older. _Heda_ aims for soulmates, you know." 

Aden shifted on the balls of his feet, folding his hands behind his back. "There is this _one_ person..." 

Lexa hummed. "A crush, or something more?" 

"I don't know yet."

Patting his shoulder, Lexa grinned. "You'll figure it out some day. Trust me... it took a while for me, too." 

"Is Clarke your soul mate?" 

Lexa paused a moment, but nodded. "Yes. It took time, but yes, I have realized that she is." 

"I can tell how happy she makes you." 

"She makes me very happy, yes." 

Before Aden could say anymore, Anya peeked her head into the doorway, "Showtime, guys. Let's go get a new uncle." 

"And father." Lexa added, gently pushing Aden along. 

\--------

Lexa had changed into something more comfortable as soon as she could. The wedding went by without a hitch, the party following immediately after. Indra had made it a point to show off her decorating skills in the Woods' big backyard, impressing everyone who attended. There were multiple tables, food was being served, and there was even a karaoke machine near the back of the house where the drunken adults tried to serenade their lovers. 

But Lexa wasn't interested in that. She was interested in the way she and Clarke gently swayed with each other, and imagining what it would be like on their own wedding day. Sure, she was a little young to even be thinking about marriage. But the idea of it made her heart swell, despite her having to bite back that panic rising in her chest. She was going to be okay. She and Clarke were going to be okay. 

"Lex?" Clarke asked, getting Lexa's attention. Green met blue, and Lexa felt calm again. "Are you okay?" 

Lexa smiled softly, nodding. "Yeah... I'm okay." She leaned in, kissing Clarke's lips gently. 

She was most definitely okay. 

\--------

There was one more thing she had to do while she was visiting in D.C. 

Taking a deep breath, Lexa pushed open the metal gate to the cemetery, flinching as it creaked against her. The colder weather caused it; too much usage and not enough care. 

The headstones were ones that she hadn't seen in a long time. Each one she passed brought back a different memory. The spirits that lingered weren't ones that she herself had to foresee; most were from _Heda's_ before her. Most were _Trikru_ , others from other tribes that rest in _Trikru_ grounds as per request by the loved ones. All were ones that she came to mourn every time she visited. 

Her visits became less frequent the more time went on. 

Sighing, she came to a stop in front of her first location. Her parents lay side by side, a shared granite headstone with their names engraved. She knelt in front of it, placing the flowers down neatly. It had been a while since she sat and talked with them. It was the same thing she planned on telling at her other stops. She had three to make this trip. 

When she was finished talking to her parents she stood, feeling the autumn breeze blow past her. That's something she would miss while in LA. That cool, crisp, east coast air. Another reason for her to visit more. 

Her second stop was her grandfather. And from the way the wind picked up when she was finished, she knew he was proud of her. 

Her last stop was the one she was the most worried about. 

Costia Green, gone but not forgotten. 

She knew she'd be there a while. So instead of kneeling, she crossed her legs. 

"It's been a while since I came to visit." She spoke softly, as if Costia was about to rise from the grave and scold her. 

"I've been... busy." She sighed. "And I know that's such a lame excuse, but it's the truth. I... started getting big on YouTube. But I'm sure you know that. It's... really changed my life. I've met so many people, done so many things and gotten so many opportunities. You would have loved to see the things I've seen." She gave a sad smile, fiddling with the grass under her. Plucking a few strands here or there; creating a small grass pile. A nervous habit. 

"I... also met someone. Her name is Clarke; Clarke Griffin. She's blonde, and short, but so full of energy even if she's such a klutz. She fell off the bed a few nights ago because she didn't want to get up to get the remote." A chuckle left her lips, a sigh following. "She reminds me so much of you. I think you two would have been great friends." 

She glanced around; a young woman entered the cemetery. She had heard the creaking gate while she was visiting her grandfather, but didn't look up. The woman had walked across the cemetery, and was in a position that mimicked Lexa's. She wondered who the woman was visiting. 

"I moved to LA. It was... it was really hard at first. I didn't really want to do it. But it's been a great improvement. I'm... going to therapy. And the change in scenery has really gotten me out of the house more. I started hiking, and Octavia -- she's a little spitfire; you'd have liked her a lot -- she wants me to start going to the gym with her. Can you believe it? Me? Going to a gym?" 

She smiled an actual smile, and brushed away the grass pile. "I'm doing a lot better than I was. And I know I have Clarke to thank for that. She's... I think -- no, I know -- she's my soulmate, Costia. I used to think you were my soulmate, it felt like you were. But... Clarke makes me so happy. And I know you wanted me to move on." 

The wind blew again. Lexa knew that Costia was listening to her, and she hoped that the spirit of the girl agreed with her. 

"It's time for me to let go, Costia. To let go of you, to let go of our past. But... I'll still visit. Because while you're gone... you'll always be my best friend. And I'll always love you, no matter what. Even if Clarke has my heart now." 

She stood, knowing that if she didn't leave now she'd be there long after the sun set. She had an early flight the next day, and Clarke was waiting for her; she couldn't stay so long. She still had so much left to say, but she knew it could wait for another day. 

"May we meet again, Costia Green." 

She held out her hand, and for a brief moment she swore she felt the feeling of someone touching her hand. Costia's spirit was gripping her forearm. She smiled, nodded, and left the cemetery, and past, behind her. 

As she flew back with Clarke the next day, she couldn't help but think of how different her life would be had Costia not jumped off the bridge. And while she mourned Costia for years, she knew she made the right decision. Clarke was her anchor; her reason for being alive. And the more she thought about it, the more she realized that life was about a lot more than just living.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that is that. What do you guys think? Did you like it? Did you hate it? Let me know!! And also, keep an eye out because I've been figuring out a few ideas for a new story.


	23. A/N - Sequel !

Hey guys! This is just a little Author's note to tell you that the sequel to this series is now up on my page! It's called "Be You" and it takes place a year after this fic. If you liked this story I would really appreciate it if you gave the sequel a shot. From what I have planned the fic as a whole should answer a lot of questions that you may have regarding this one. Hope to see your responses!


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